Nothing but darkness, I really hate living

What sort of day have you had today?

Yes, the bakery is going ok but today I wasn't impressed with the other assistant whose face could curdle milk. I don't like miserable people and can see that I will be asking her what her problem is as she obviously doesn't enjoy her job. I also don't like being invisible as I detest rudeness. The baker did comment on a few run ins that he has had with her as apparently she is 'surly' most of the time.

My partner seems a tad brighter today; which is good to see.

Perhaps the meeting with Angela won't be as bad as you anticipate, although I totally understand how daunting /stressful this may be for you to even contemplate. Is there anyone who would go with you ?

I think that the important thing for you is to stay calm and not be negative or aggressive from the onset as this could go against you . 

I am sure that you will be ok but it is yet another hurdle for you to get over; of which I am sure that you will achieve.xx

What have you got planned for this evening?

Try and not to worry/overthink what 'may of may not happen' regarding your meeting; for your own well being.

Sending oodles of confidence just for you.

Hugs,

Julie xxx

Today is a really mixed bag, firstly I tried to message Angela, to arrange to meet with her, on two conditions, that I think are more than fair considering the circumstances.

My first condition was that we meet on neutral territory.

My second condition was that she doesn't get involved in the legal battle between me and my housing association.

I received no reply, once again she ignored my message, leaving me feeling low and worthless, I don't really think I deserve that, I've tried my best, despite how badly the recharge notices from my housing association have caused me to become so mentally and physically unwell 

I also met with Sarah, my Anger Management Support Worker, now she is fabulous, and couldn't believe Angela was so ignorant, she is really good at making me laugh, about how others often have little to no understanding, and fail to learn despite the fact that due to their age, they should have some life experience and understanding, she described Angela as Mindless, and I have to say I quite agree, and was amused by her observation/perception  

Sarah is an ex prison officer, so her sole aim in supporting me is keeping me calm, and keeping my anger under control, to keep me out of prison, due to my issues with aggression from both my childhood experiences, and due to my impulsivity caused by my ADHD, that I have difficulty controlling despite my medication 

I also got to rekindle/reconcile an old friendship today, that went bad several years ago, because of my impulsivity, with the mother of my friend, my friend, her son, also suffers with ADHD, our friendship went bad several years before my diagnosis, now she understands my impulsivity a lot better and the reasons for it, she is back to being like a mum to me too, and cheered me up a lot today, making me feel good about myself , that I've managed to keep my cool with my housing association, as she is well aware, a few years ago, I wouldn't have kept my cool, and was so impulsive that I'd have attacked the housing association staff 

Tonight I feel extremely sick  from the side effects of the antibiotics, so I made no plans, after my friends mum Fay, who is now back like a mum to me, dropped me home at 7pm, after spending the day together catching up on old times and discussing our legal battles, she also has a few of her own right now 

I tried to eat before taking my second antibiotic, and my final doses of my regular meds, but have not managed to hold down my food, and have been laying in bed since 9:30pm 

Glad to hear your partner seems a tad brighter 

Your description of the other assistant at the bakery, made me laugh and brought a smile to my face, as the Miserable, and Surly description reminds me of one of the assistants who works at my local bakery, who also not only has a face that could curdle milk, but also the attitude to go with it, she has upset many, a customer, throughout her time working at the bakery, including me on several occasions, causing people to boycott the bakery for a period of time, haha  

Thanks for the oodles of confidence and the hugs 

*Hugs in return, wrapped with oodles of Laughter and Love* 

Stumpy. X x x 

I finally received contact from Angela today, she wanted to meet me at the local Development Trust, that is next to my flat, on Friday but I messaged her back to ask if there is any alternative, she didn't reply, so I sent her a photo of my length of rope, and she panicked, she frantically tried phoning me, and I refused to answer, I can't talk on the phone, my anxiety makes it near impossible. 

I messaged her to tell her I can't, but that I was headed to Mind, she turned up there requesting to speak to me, about an hour after I arrived, so finally we discussed things, and it has been agreed that we can meet away from my place, in neutral territory, and that she won't get involved in the legal battle with my housing association, this is good, as it means my support will continue, and they cannot say I haven't engaged/liaised with the support provided, also she can now write me a letter to let them know the impact the recharge notices have had on my mental health, their more likely to listen to her, as she works for them 

I still need to see my GP, but tomorrow I'm going to a Mental Health Service User Network get together, I received contact today from Jan the BACP registered counsellor who facilitates the group, and she said it'd be great to see me, so that made me feel good, I'm still feeling really sick from the side effects of the antibiotics, and the abscesses are swollen more again today, I don't think the antibiotics are helping, I've also messaged my drug and alcohol counsellor to tell him I'm a lot calmer now, so he'll worry less about the added impact when he comes back to work on Monday 

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x 

Sorry Stumpy, I have just turned on to Carenity. I am pleased to read that things appear to be getting resolved. I was concerned upon reading you deciding to ignore Angela's phone call, although I do understand how hard it would have been for you to answer it. I am sure that Angela wouldn't wish to cause you so much stress; as I don't think anyone would. Sometimes they are just following policies; unrealistic as they may be. Sometimes a little compassion and understanding is wrongly put aside.

You should be proud of yourself for going outside doing what you feel comfortable with; sometimes the best feeling is 'going outside your comfort zone' It certainly was/is for me.

Lovely to read that you have rekindled your friendship with Fay.

Yesterday at the Bakery was fine. I went to sleep dreaming about identifying the various markings on the flipping pies each denoting what it contains. What has my life come too??? Lol

If the mentioned miserable assistant continues to be miserable /ignores me then I will ask her 'What is her problem?' I prefer to address the issue and move on than to let it fester; as my family and friends all know too well. I am not aggressive as it doesn't achieve any possible beneficial outcome. I was always told that 'if you are going to be a critical friend etc then say what you have to say with a smile' I was a school governor and that was the advice given; it is true as if you are smiling whilst calmly saying what needs to be said then you will feel relaxed all due to you smiling.

I am off work today .Yipee.

Going to take our dog out for a walk whilst feeding some swans/ducks on a near by river.

Stay chilled/relaxed. Hope to hear from you later.

You are doing so well ;stand tall.

Huge hugs wrapped in the usual 

Well today was a good day, despite Huw my drug and alcohol counsellor being unavailable to see me, I did speak with Lois, I call her his partner in crime, she's another counsellor with the organisation he works for, and is actually the counsellor of my ex partner, but will chat with me and offer support despite that in the same way my counsellor does for my ex if Lois is away from work, and if he feels he'd benefit from the extra support even if Lois is in work, I discussed the length of rope with her, and she made me feel comfortable, and some extra courage surrounding it, finally giving me the boost I needed to share the photos of it with a select audience on Facebook to let them all know how much I've been struggling, and how best they can help, and how my needs can be met in quite simple ways, and the signs to look out for in future to know I'm becoming unwell, a big step, as, as I often say, I hate having to spell things out, but sometimes there is no other way of letting people know

I also went to a Mental Health Service User Network get together, in Neath, at the Centre for Voluntary Services, facilitated by Jan, who is a BACP registered counsellor, who made me feel good about my self, she takes a keen interest in my struggles with my mental health, and is going to invite my housing association and other housing projects to our next get together, in a bid to explain how they fail, and the effect it has on tenants with mental health issues, and to help them better understand mental health difficulties, and how they can help their tenants, rather than make things 10 times worse 

Tomorrow I'd usually go to Swansea, but so far my friends I usually meet with seem very distant, since I fell out with one of them through a dispute in a group chat on Facebook, so I may not go out, I may stay in bed, or go see one of my friends I haven't seen in years, if I can make contact on Facebook to let her know I'm coming, as she did ask me whilst I was on holiday if I'd pop to see her, so I may do that while I have the time

Glad to hear that things are going fine at the Bakery, and it's nice to hear that you have a day off work, as you seem to be working a lot

Taking the dog for a walk and feeding the Swans/Ducks sounds relaxing, animals always make me feel better 

Hope the miserable Bakery assistant cheers up a little, but if not, try not to get too wound up, remember, she could just be depressed, perhaps if she feels she can talk to you, then she may not feel so miserable and may just cheer up a little, sometimes it can be difficult to talk, as we know from personal experience

I like being out, away from home, as there are now way too many bad memories here, I'd rather be anywhere, so long as I'm away from here, so yes getting out, outside of my comfort zone definitely helps  I love a change of scenery, I hate seeing the same 4 walls, it drives me to despair, it feels worse than watching paint dry, I'm looking forward to next week with lots of positive stuff in store 

*Enormous Hugs, wrapped with mountains of Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x  

Well just wanted to post after finally posting the photos of my length of rope on Facebook, I've had so many messages of support, even from people I never would have expected, it has made me so emotionally happy, I'm almost crying with happiness, it's only when I show people just how ill I've become, and how close they came to losing me, I realise how many people truly care, it really shows who my friends are  ? 

*Hugs and much Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x x 

Oh my life, I can't tell you how great it was reading your posts.

You have every reason to be smiling like a Cheshire Cat. Well Done; nothing but positives all round for you.

Sometimes when we are down, the hardest thing is to openly let people know that we are struggling; perhaps it may be because we view it as a weakness but in fact it takes a stronger person to admit to struggling. As you are aware ,once you make that initial step you realize that people really do care and want to ease your struggle. 

Arranging meetings with the various Housing Associations enabling them to have a better understanding of mental health can surely only be a good thing. Every organization has a duty to understand their clients/users. Brilliant news .

The best thing for you personally is realizing that 'you' are not alone and do have the support /love of friends; sometimes we 'think' that no one cares when actually in reality that is so far from the truth. Logic does fly out of the window at times.

You do however, realize who your real friends are; I did.

Fantastic Stumpy that you are opening up and reaching out ; although I do know what a enormous mountain you have had to climb , but real credit to you as you have carried on supporting others . You are an inspiration; a real star

Have a wonderful Saturday.

Catch up later my lovely friend.

Oodles of  

Julie xx

Hey, thanks Julie, I went to Swansea today, I did meet with a few friends, but our time together got cut short by one of the people who I once thought was a friend, who turned up, so I left, I really don't want to be around him, he makes me feel nothing but negativity, he was someone I tried to reach out to, but who pushed me away, then complained I had betrayed him when I turned to his ex partner, her partner and his mum Fay for the support I needed, if anyone should feel betrayed it is me, for the way he pushed me away when I needed a friend  but I'm glad I did at least get to spend a few hours with my friends before he arrived  I went and did some retail therapy after leaving my friends, I bought a new pair of trainers and a new Wales Rugby Union peak cap, as much as shopping for things I like cheers me up a little  I can't help but feel a touch lonely, I don't often feel lonely as I like my own company 

However when I've felt so suicidal and so low for so long and not been able to admit just how much I was struggling, I'm now craving company, but find myself alone , I'm thinking of getting an early night tonight, if nobody turn up to visit me, as I don't want to face a night of emptiness , I'm looking forward to Monday when I go to Mind , as most of my friends who go are also on my Facebook, and are aware of my struggles, I think the staff will know of my struggles too, and will try to offer up more support 

I'm gonna go down my housing association office again on Tuesday, to see if the woman I need to deal with is there, I don't intend to spend long there, as I have arranged to meet my friend Amy in town, have some lunch, and a catch up 

I'm dreading tomorrow, I always hate Sunday, as there are no buses, and nowhere to go , I'm always stuck here on my own , maybe I'll spend the day in bed, catching up on some sleep , then spend the rest of the day trying to distract myself with forum posts, Facebook, or even try to find a movie to watch that will help distract me , although I often struggle to get into watching movies, due to a lack of concentration, yet another joy of my ADHD, I've tried altering how I dose my medication, to allow for better concentration and calmness during the most important part of the day , instead of taking 1 and a half tablets 3 times a day, I've spaced it 1 and a half in the morning, 2 in the afternoon, and then 1 at night, so I'm still taking the correct dose, but have just spaced it differently to suit my needs  

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x  

Sorry to read that your time spent with friends yesterday was cut short; great that you managed to have some fun prior to it.

When I was really down, I didn't want to be near anyone. I was so anti social looking back but it is part/parcel of depression. 

How have you managed today?

I am on a course on Tuesday and so I drove round this morning to see where it is being held. Today has been raining all day; it has been horrible.

I went to my parents as I had made them a steak + onion pie along with some jam tarts; my dads favourites.

I haven't really done anything else apart from the usual boring laundry jobs

One of my sons and his girlfriend came for tea which was nice.

Hope that you have had a good day and are having a chilled evening.

Big hugs for a lovely lady.

Julie xx

I stayed in bed today until 13:25, and then I got up checked my Facebook, then decided I felt really antisocial, I didn't even want to talk to any of my friends on Facebook, so I decided I needed a distraction from the loneliness, as loneliness and and feeling antisocial just don't go together, so I thought of playing computer games, I have literally spent 9 and a half hours playing computer games, not done anything constructive, not even any positive thinking, any relaxation, not listened to any music, and not even attempted Facebook again until now, just to check my notifications before bed

I feel so lazy, in an escapist mood, but that is better than feeling suicidal, and needing to feel that element of control over my life, now is the first thoughts I'm having all day, a little low, but not dangerous, or overly dark

I am apprehensive about tomorrow, although I think I'll get some extra support at Mind, as whether I like it or not, the staff there will likely know about how bad my mental health has been, and will try to put extra emergency support measures in place, before I attempt again to go down to my housing association office, to sort out the mess of the recharge notices, and I'll likely be questioned as to why I didn't tell them I was struggling so much, it's not because I don't trust the staff or anything, I just felt they wouldn't be able to help with the issues I was facing

You said you drove round today to see where you're course is on Tuesday, I kinda do the same thing, only I like to check google street view, I have to go see Angela at a day centre in Swansea on Thursday, and don't have a clue where I'm going, not even from street view, as the address Angela gave me, the address doesn't match the post code, and I can't see anything resembling the day centre building, not at the post code that I found online to match the address or the postcode that she provided, if she got the address wrong, I can get near by, but may have to try ringing Angela to find out exactly where it is, when I'm close by, despite my severe anxiety about talking on the phone

Glad you enjoyed the company of your son and his girlfriend for tea, I've spent the whole day on my own, and now I'm off to bed, or I won't get up in the morning, I go to the pub for dinner tomorrow too, almost forgot

*Hugs wrapped with lots of Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x x