Nothing but darkness, I really hate living

Stumpy; You have come so far . You have overcome so much in the last few months and you can overcome all of this now.

You have dealt with a lot worse than this. x

Get in touch with your support workers asap ; they are there to support you.

You know that this will pass and suicide isn't the answer.

Focus on the positives that you have worked to put in place. Concentrate on your breathing to calm yourself down.

I can imagine how angry/upsetting it is to receive horrible letters after having a fab holiday away. I used to hate opening mail up on our return from holidays; usually a bank balance

Adopt the little by little ,day by day attitude. Don't let things overwhelm you; hard I know.

How was your return flight?

Stay strong my lovely friend.

Big hugs wrapped with lots of love and positive thoughts.

Julie 

The return flight  was a nightmare  and really dragged, I was glad to get back, until those letters, I have told my support worker, with my housing association, that I can no longer meet with her, due to legal reasons, as I fully intend to take on my housing association, it's just put a spanner in the works for moving, meaning I'm now trapped around my dad for even longer, and relying on him for help with my legal battle with my housing association, it's put me in a really difficult and vulnerable situation, and I'm struggling to find any calm, I used my Thai Buddha to try to achieve some calm and meditation, and it did help a little  xxx

I've had fits in my sleep again

I have spoken with my drug & alcohol support worker, but he doesn't really know how to help, all he knows is I need to move and be away from my dad, but until the legal battle with my housing association is over, there is nowhere else I can go, I was relying on them to either do a transfer, or for a housing reference, but now I'm trapped, I feel really stressed out, and back to square one, I now have no trust what so ever for my housing association as they keep blaming me for things, they say one thing, and do another 

There is no protection, the only way I know to protect myself is to attempt to take my own life and go to psych ward, I'm gonna go to Mind in the morning, and see what they make of the whole situation, nobody should be pushed and backed into a corner, it's not my fault the radiator fell off the wall, but they seem to be hell bent that I deliberately ripped it off the wall, most of the time I barely have enough energy to get out of bed, let alone rip a radiator off the wall 

I'm due to see my anger management worker on Tuesday, perhaps she'll be able to help, I just don't know, I don't think she'll be very happy with the situation, I'm fed up of crying

I've felt like, if things are not starting to get resolved by Wednesday, I'll get in touch with the AMHP (CPN) with the drug & alcohol team, and ask him if he can get me a bed in psych ward, before I do something really stupid, because of not being able to contain my feelings any longer 

I just wish I could be happy all the time, but it's impossible, I don't feel safe, even taking things minute by minute, but I'm not giving up, I keep trying no matter how bad things seem to get  XXX

*Frightened Hugs, wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. X 

Big virtual hugs lovely lady. I just wanted to quickly let you know that I am thinking of you. I am off to work but I WILL be in touch later.

Hang on to those good feelings/memories that you have tucked behind all the rubbish that is happening today. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.

Don't let fear win; YOU ARE STRONG,Concentrate on your breathing and really focus on it, letting go of the anger /frustration with every focused breath that you take.

Catch up later for a proper chat.

Gentle hugs wrapped with all the love in the world.

Julie xxxxx

Ok sat crying all morning, not sure what that achieves, but now I need to get myself together and get on the bus, go to Mind, I'm hoping that helps, although I'm not sure how it can 

I'm trying not to let fear win, but that is easier said than done, I'm fearful of everything, and trying to push past that fear is near impossible, I really hope I can get a taxi later as I think 1 bus is enough for today, and at least if my taxi knows I'm not Ok, then they'll do their best to help look out for me, even if it is simply getting me to a doctor or the hospital, he understands mental illness, as his dad was schizophrenic, so has often tried to help when things are going wrong, down to watching on as I almost threw myself from a river bridge, and refusing to leave, knowing that I wasn't safe to be alone at that point 

I'll catch up later, as now I have to go catch my bus, before I miss it, I really hate relying on buses, but that is the way my life is, if I need to go somewhere I catch a bus, or get a taxi 

*Hugs wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. X 

Hiya, How did you get on at Mind? I do hope that you managed to go.

There is nothing wrong with having a good cry; it is a great release valve. It is also beneficial that you then knew what you needed to do next. That in itself is a real positive; it shows what a great strength of character you possess.

Fear is a terrible but it is the unknown that actually grips you. Did you focus on your breathing ? It really does work .

Stumpy, I have said it once and I will say it again; you have done so well and come through so much and yet here you are ....marching on regardless. You are an inspirational star to others; you just are having a 'blip' but as before you will conquer it.

Off to visit my mum who is still in hospital ,still awaiting her biopsy. Sadly we had the devastating news that she is also suffering with vascular dementia.

Catch up later.

Julie ; with love.xx

Sorry to hear that you have you're mum's vascular dementia to contend with, I did go to Mind, although I'm not sure it helped any, I guess it did feel good to see my friends there, but it didn't change my thoughts, their still too destructive, and I'm seriously considering hospital, it feels more than a blip 

I really hate crying, it does nothing much, other than give me sore and dry eyes later, the fear feels more internalised than fear of the unknown, like fear of my own capabilities, I know it probably sounds really stupid, but I felt so low and out of control that I've bought a length of rope, but it doesn't get delivered until Friday, I'm really scared by my own stupid thoughts, and possible capabilities, I see Sarah my Anger Management Worker tomorrow, and I think maybe I should tell her, how I'm feeling, part of me is shaking inside, but another part of me thinks of freedom 

I tried my best to focus on my breathing, and it did help a little that and focusing on meditation and my new found Thai Buddha calming reflective thinking, along with some music, I don't really think the staff at Mind noticed I'm not myself, I did mention the issues with my housing association, but didn't really get much feedback, so I'm unsure about what their thoughts are, I think tonight is gonna be hard to get through, I'm gonna continue trying to focus on my breathing, make sure I take my medication dead on time  

Maybe I should try sleeping  , I could use self hypnosis to force myself to sleep, along with taking a few Tylenol Paracetamol, they also contain Chloroform, considered a poison in the UK, but used as a sedative in with Paracetamol in Thailand, I brought a box back with me, and they do help me sleep, and would help combat my muscle pain, from the fits I've had in my sleep, through stress 

I'll try to keep updating as much as I can so everyone knows I'm ok, I'm trying not to act on any of the bad thoughts, if I do go to hospital tomorrow I'll have my phone with me and can still access the internet, and I'll take my charger with me, so I can stay online, I just hope it doesn't come to that, maybe I can just see a doctor, get a sedative, maybe get some legal aid, through my Anger Management Worker, I'm just too unsure right now how things are gonna go 

*Hugs wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. x x x 

Please tell your support team about your inner thoughts along with the rope. 

Take your mind back to those days of feeling 'good, happy and relaxed'. Relive the brilliant feeling/emotions that they aroused.

Taking a combination of tablets is just going to mess you up Stumpy and I for one don't want you to do that. You are feeling rubbish at this present moment in time, but you have fought so hard and have made it through and so I am looking forward to reading your posts for a long time to come; so don't you dare do anything harmful/hurtful .

Without being rude , you have come through these thoughts before and so there is no reason why you won't get over this one. You are a fighter, which you have proved on many occasions.

You may not think that the staff at MIND haven't noticed that you aren't yourself but they may well have. Did you not mention exactly how you were feeling yesterday when you visited them, not just the housing issues?

I do hope that your housing issues are soon sorted.x

Be gentle on yourself today my lovely friend; I will be looking online later today but for now I am off to work.

Massive hugs, wrapped with oodles of the  stuff.

Julie xxx

I intend to tell my support workers everything, including my inner feelings along with the rope, I'm trying to remain as calm as I can, trying to think of the positive things, I'm wasn't thinking of a combination of tablets, just a few Tylenol, but I did manage without them in the end, I know a few Diazepam will help with the muscle pain after fitting, but the other effects I get from them are really not helpful, hence me dragging my heels a little about seeing my GP as I know he will allow a short course of them just to help with the fitting, and only worry about any consequences later, my GP is very good, don't get me wrong, but he is not your average GP, he uses more modern ways of thinking in dealing with problems, and then deals with any adverse consequences later, rather than only treating after there is no other option 

This is the first time I actually bought a length of rope, specifically for the purpose, quite a scary thought  but at least I know I need to put some safety nets in place, I think my support workers will either intercept the delivery or just pick it up once it arrives to prevent me from using it to harm myself with, I have tracking info, so they can track it, contact the courier, and will know when it is going to arrive, so I'm sure I'll be safe, will let you know later how it goes with my support worker/workers, fingers crossed they can help me get over this hurdle

I didn't tell the staff at Mind about my thoughts, just about the housing association stuff, I'm really good at hiding my thoughts, unfortunately, I'm off in just under 10 minutes to catch the bus

*Hugs wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x  

Good Morning Lovely Lady.

How are you today? More chilled and positive i hope?

I was pleased to read that the rope may be removed and that you have actually mentioned it to your support. Please, please be open and honest with those that are there to help and protect you.

I was supporting an man who abuses alcohol along with self esteem issues. We were at a meeting that will hopefully support him .It is sad to sit and listen when he flosses over important issues that could potentially be so positive if only he were honest with those doing the paperwork. They are there to help; not judge. Sometimes, I am a tad naughty and do encourage him to be open /honest and I sometimes will interject if I strongly feel that he is struggling expressing himself. Thankfully, we have developed a good relationship ; plus I understand how debilitating anxiety depression can be through my own personal experience as you are aware of.

Looking forward to reading your post later; on ward and upward my friend.

Julie; Sent with love; as always. xx

Well yesterday with my support worker went well , I became a little more rational , had a plan to put everything in writing to my housing association, but first needed to speak to the woman in question, to find out exactly how I address it, as in the letters it states that I am only to deal with this 1 woman, so today I decided to go to their offices in search of this woman, however it didn't go well , after travelling all the way there, she wasn't in the office , all they told me is she'd had to go home, not very helpful .

So they asked if they could help, and I said, NO!

They asked if they could take a message, and I also said NO!, what would I say if I were to leave a message?

So they said they'd get her to ring me, and once again, I said No! as I cannot talk on the phone, my autism causes me to clam up, and become mute, especially if talking to someone whom I've never met, I even struggle with my close friends and family, it's almost like their playing games with me .

Eventually they said they'd just tell her I called in, considering I travelled 24 miles on a bus to get there, you'd think the least they could do, would be to ring her, and ask her to return to work, it left me feeling annoyed, and lost , had I have not wasted my time going there, I could have tried to sort out to see my GP, and to try to bring my psychiatrist appointment forward.

I've made it clear that I am disputing their recharge for the radiator to be reattached and for the wall to be reinforced, and that I'm only prepared to deal with it, either in writing, or face to face with me recording the conversation, so now I just wait and try again, keeping a record of every wasted journey, in such an important role you'd think she should be in the office at all times, but it's no surprise, considering the mess they make of things continuously 

Not being able to deal with any of it left me feeling over stressed, I had to go up to a quiet park the other end of town to try to calm down enough, to even catch a bus home, I tried to reach out for some support in a group chat on Facebook with a group of my friends, and was promptly asked by one of my friends to stop being so negative, needless to say I left the group chat and have been on my own all day, not wanting to talk to anyone 

My drug and alcohol support worker interjects all the time with me during my psychiatrist appointments as he knows I cannot communicate with the psychiatrist, I go mute through fear because of my autism, just like I do on the phone, if he didn't interject for me, I'd likely still have no diagnosis, and be in a dangerous unmedicated state and in and out of Psych ward so often it'd make your head spin 

But even throughout all this I try to maintain a sense of humour, no matter how hard it is, if I didn't laugh  at some of the stupidity, I'd cry , sometimes I suppose I just have to hope things will be ok, the thoughts on the rope from yesterday are to dispose of anything I can use to harm myself, including the rope when it arrives, but there is only one problem, what if I don't feel strong enough to dispose of them? I'm struggling with self harm urges, perhaps I should try to see if I can see the GP  in the morning, and tell him, I feel like seeing blood will make me feel better, I know how bad and wrong that sounds, but somehow the sight of my blood calms me, I know the feeling doesn't last, but at least it works, even if just for a little while, perhaps I should try to go back to my elastics, I haven't used them since I left to go on my holiday, it just seems like giving in to a vice, but I also keep seeing people having cigarettes and thinking how much I could just chugg down a whole cigarette in just a few puffs, despite not having smoked for a very long time, several years, maybe I could just smoke 1, I'm that stressed, I don't very often even contemplate smoking, if my drug and alcohol support worker sees me smoking, first thing he asks is, are things really that bad, as he knows how much I hate smoking, often complaining that it stinks, and that people who smoke smell like an ashtray 

Anyway with any luck, things can't get a lot worse, so I can only go up from here 

*Hugs wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. x x x