Nothing but darkness, I really hate living

Well today I actually took delivery of the rope, it wasn't as triggering as I first expected, I actually spent some time tying it, and becoming comfortable enough handling it, that it is now much less of a risk, I coiled it up, and put it in a shopping bag out of the way for now, to concentrate on my weekend, I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow, who I've not seen in almost 2 years, we're taking her twin girls aged 4 to the cinema to watch Moana

Then I'll likely go for some food at McDonalds, before finally heading home to get ready to go out for the evening, I have been invited to the 80th birthday party of an old lady who I've known since I was a little kid, about 3 years old, she used to be my lollipop lady as a little kid, helping me and my brother across the road when going to primary school, she used to buy us chocolates at easter and Christmas, her daughter works as a bar maid in the working men's club, and she herself calls bingo, not bad for an 80 year old, so when invited to her 80th birthday at the working men's club I felt thrilled, so I'll have a full day tomorrow

*Hugs wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. x x x 

Hi Stumpy; Well done on coping, you have done well getting through what must have been a nightmare time for you.

As i recently mentioned to you , if I feel the need to speak up on behalf of one of my outreach workers then I will. We do have a good relationship and he knows that everything that both myself and his key worker do is for his benefit. Your support mentor sounds great; just what you need.

Sorry for not getting back sooner but I have been busy working and visiting my mum in hospital. Along with being diagnosed with lymphoma; her CT  scan revealed that she also has vascular dementia.

I am off to work now . i look forward to reading all about your busy day with your friends and then later at the party...I am so jealous of you having something fun to do with your friends, although I do enjoy the company of the folk that I work with.

Catch up later. Stay strong and focused; Don't let negative comments ruin your day. Get rid of negative people and surround yourself with positive people. Laughter is the best attitude.

Big hugs, wrapped gently in 

Julie xx

Hi Julie, sorry to hear yet more bad news for your mum, vascular dementia is what my grandad had, before he passed away, just a little over 3 years ago now, it's an awful disease, you are one of the bravest and strongest people I know, am sending you strength and hope xxx 

My day today has actually been really good, a positive day, it was hard at first, and I won't lie and say I didn't have any dark thoughts, but the good stuff that happened really made a lot of difference, meeting with my friend Amy and her twin daughter's, taking them to the cinema and McDonalds really brightened my day, Amy's twin girls are really mischievous, and one thing that really made me laugh was one of them playing with and swinging her umbrella whilst sitting waiting for their bus home at the end of the day, she almost smacked the guy sitting on the next seat on the head with the umbrella, it likely wouldn't have been funny for him, but seemed really funny to me that she almost accidentally smacked a complete stranger on the head, I had to struggle to keep a straight face as Amy told her off, their little personalities made me smile and giggle 

Then tonight my friend and old lollipop lady, had an amazing turnout on her 80th birthday party, she is so well loved, I also had a surprise taxi home, when my taxi driver couldn't make it to collect me, he rung an old driver who used to work for him, who I missed a lot, to collect me, I was shocked and am now back in touch with him hoping I won't lose contact again in future, it felt so good to feel at least a little happy for the first time in a while 

*Hugs wrapped gently with Love*

Stumpy. X x x X x x X 

Hi Stumpy, Thank you for your kind words. I certainly don't feel brave or strong at this present moment. My youngest son is really devastated regarding his grans diagnosis; what is even more upsetting as he suffered 2 bleeds on the brain and is really struggling with the effects of brain trauma also. His life really has been changed all due to 8 mindless thugs picking on a innocent person and punching him on the back of his head and then kicking him on his head as he fell on to the floor. He is about to finish uni, which hasn't been easy for him since the assault.

 I feel that every way I turn at the moment there is something horrible waiting for me to deal with.

My partner last night, whilst I was working drank a bottle of scotch due to him sitting thinking about the fact that despite sending his kids money they couldn't even be bothered to thank him. He hasn't seen them in 2 years and has struggled with depression resulting in him drinking. His bloods have to be re done a month early following  the last batch taken revealing that his levels are rising. I do feel for him as he has had a really tough last few years. He is a good, loving man who is struggling through some circumstances out of his control.

I was not however, a happy bunny on my return last night ; I was livid and so let down.

After a sleepless night on my behalf ,I decided that I need to be strong for 'me' and came to the decision that after fighting so hard to get over all the c* that my ex put me through and promising myself that I would never ever allow anyone to put me in that position again. I love my partner so much but I deserve better. After a chat this morning , he knows that I am not a soft touch and I will stand by my words that if it ever happens again then he will be history; much as it will hurt me I will not allow anyone to drag me down. His 'saving grace' is the fact that he is dealing with his divorce, not seeing his kids as his ex is a real heartless individual with no empathy at all towards mental health ,let alone terminal illness. He is really struggling with having to return to hospital early due to his blood levels rising regarding his illness. It is hard sometimes not to be judgmental of him but I just think if I can get by then so should he; wrong I know.

We had a really deep conversation ,discussing coping strategies when I am not here. He was shocked at my attitude which was harsh ,although i just wanted to hug him and tell him 'it is ok'. It wasn't nice but I have to look out for me and that includes being open and honest at all times.

It was lovely to read your post . It sounds like you are in a better place mentally.xx

Young children can be so funny can't they?

It is great to have a laugh and you certainly had some of that yesterday.

Goodnight and God Bless. I hope that this week is a good ,positive week for you.

Big hugs entwined with oodles of love.

Julie xx

So sorry everything has become so trying, it sounds like despite your son's issues after the assault, he is getting on with his life and doing well despite the physical effects of the brain bleed, I really admire that, your partner sounds like he's struggling, and you're right to not want him making your life more difficult by turning to drink, drink is never the answer, no matter how bad things get, and your partner is lucky to have you around to ensure he realises that, or things would only get much worse, his ex and his children sound quite selfish, but he needs to realise that it has no reflection on who he is as a person, they are the ones who have the problem, and eventually his kids will regret not staying in touch, he needs to focus on how much you, and your family love him, I hope his blood levels get better, although I know with terminal illness things usually only ever get worse, but I always have hope of a miracle 

It sounds like you have some really good coping strategies, even if you don't feel brave or strong, you really are, and it proves it, that you're still able to offer support to others on here too    

I had a good day today, been to Mind today, my friend made me a Lemon Cake, with Lemon Butter Icing, I then went for dinner at my favourite pub, now reopen after a refit, for dinner, I had the carvery, it's great value for money, and the people who run the pub are like friends, they get to know you, I've felt great all day, however now I'm starting to feel a bit flat,  and thoughts of the 2 texts my housing support sent today to try to coax me to meet with her, are starting to bug me, why does she want to see me so badly? it's frustrating, as I had already made it clear that I wouldn't meet with her until the recharge notices for the radiator are dealt with , I think she would just try to push me to pay it, and I'm not paying it , I didn't cause the damage, so I'm not gonna be pushed to pay something I shouldn't have to, and I think she's afraid she'll get into trouble when it surfaces that she didn't try hard enough to see me, to help resolve it, when I finally go to their office and make it clear the effect it's all had on my mental health.

I'm gonna try to see my GP tomorrow, as I'm no longer going for breakfast with my friends, as Tanya is ill, so we're having to reschedule, I'm thinking of taking the length of rope, I still have, to my GP, and show him just how bad the impact has been on my mental health, perhaps that will help get things sorted, as he'll write a letter explaining the impact on my mental health, and hopefully that letter will help my housing association to actually work harder to resolve the issues that are causing my stress levels to increase 

Young children can be really funny, and always bring a smile to my face, I'm looking forward to the next time I see my friend and the twins, I have anger management this Wednesday, so hopefully that'll help to keep me calm, no matter how things go tomorrow 

*Enormous Hugs, wrapped with oodles of intertwined Love*

Stumpy. x x 

Hiya, Thanks for your email.Yes, I totally agree that my partner needs to put aside his kids and focus on getting himself to a better place mentally. He has done so well not drinking; but the issues with his ex/kids really are taking its toil along with his forthcoming hospital appointment. The really sad thing is that his daughter text asking him to message her; he hasn't heard from her in over 2 years. He was so emotional on receiving it. Imagine how devastated he was later on when she didn't reply to the requested text. How cruel is that?

I personally can't imagine not having my children in my life. It would be more understandable but he wasn't the one who was committing adultery!!!

He is sorry and I don't need him to feel any worse as I did let rip at him. No one is perfect and we all have 'blips'. I will remain strong though in supporting him. I actually do think that he will view is life as 'over' if we split as he isn't a strong person mentally.

I can understand you feeling anxious about the texts from the Housing dept. However, it may not be as bad as you are thinking it is. 

Look at it from another angle; What have you got to lose by hearing what she has to say?

Is there anyone that would go with you just as moral support?

Try not to let it cause you any anxiety; it may all turn out well in the end. Yet again it is fear of the unknown that trips us up.

Are you making pancakes tomorrow?

Have a great evening.

Big hugs for tomorrow.

Julie xxx

Me and making pancakes just doesn't mix, the last time I attempted to cook pancakes, there was nothing but an unholy mess , I bought the wrong flour, and it stuck to the pan, in a solid gunky lump, how embarrassing , but that is what comes from a lack of concentration, although it was quite funny, and my friends were certainly amused and still attempted to eat them, despite them being very messy, I guess just the thought does bring a smile to my face

I honestly am not anxious about the texts, more annoyed, by the fact Angela was supposed to be my care and support worker, but cannot even break through some simple barriers, like understanding my anger and the reasons behind my anger .

I can't make it plainer for her, I simply have no interest in what she has to say, unless she makes an attempt to try to help with the letters I've received, I consider my housing association, and anyone who works for them my enemy, actions speak louder than words  

I think my feelings are normal considering the circumstances, they blame me for damage because of neglecting the property I live in, and then try to send me bills to recover the cost of their neglect, I have no trust, trust is earned, not something I'll just give, if she were to contact the office and tell them that I'm annoyed because of the letters, and that I felt when I tried to resolve it, I got ignored by the staff in the office .

Angela, who is clearly not trained in any aspect of Mental Health, needs training, as, no support worker, should just ignore a text, that tells them, you can't meet, for legal reasons, to simply not even question my motivations for not meeting, clearly shows she really doesn't care, not about me or my feelings towards both the company she works for, and my housing association .

I get distraught at the best of times when I feel people are not listening, something my drug and alcohol counsellor knows all too well, as he's written it in many a letter over the course of time he's been involved in my life, as does my psychiatrist, as when I last saw him, he also stated he doesn't want me feeling, I'm being ignored, hence he sorted my medication and did everything necessary to get me stable at that time .

However it appears nobody can pass on any knowledge, or training, to someone who appears to have had, very little, to no training, hasn't been there, and couldn't empathise even if a crocodile were to bite the seat of her trousers, haha sorry for that very vivid thought, but sometimes I just wonder how some people end up in the jobs their in.

If Angela were to simply offer to meet me some place I'm comfortable with, like at Mind, where there are other staff, who can help her understand mental health, or at the drug and alcohol project, where my counsellor or other staff can help her to understand mental health and it's impact, and how it's made worse by silly demands and feeling ignored, then perhaps I'd meet with her and have some kind of chance of building trust, but until then I just don't feel comfortable.

I'm glad you're partner is sorry for turning to drink, it really can't be say for him, especially after the text from his daughter, and then no subsequent reply, that is very cruel, but I'm glad he has you, and your family to love and care for him . 

I wish I had parents who cared enough that I could turn to, never forget, that no matter how much negative things seem to happen, that you're a good person, and I think if I had to go through some of the challenges you face, I would have broken down a very long time ago, and be stuck in hospital not able to leave, I hope my GP understands that the only reason I'm taking him the rope is because I built up the courage to allow it to be taken from me, and that I am mentally strong enough to keep going, despite how close I came to taking my life, something stopped me, I still don't know what, other than the thought of being able to help others who struggle in the same way

*Big Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x x       

Went to the doctor  today, saw a doctor I didn't even know, have seen her once before, just as brief as today, don't like her frivolity , have zero confidence in telling her anything , she prescribed me yet another course of antibiotics, I have 3 infected abscesses under my arm , and still the argument over removing the cyst on my back and finding the cause why my body keeps creating more cysts and abscesses continues , oh but it doesn't look infected, stupid is as stupid does , I thought they were supposed to be trying to cut down on the use of antibiotics not insist on continuously prescribing more just because they say a procedure is too invasive , it's a simple cyst, stupid pathetic squeamish doctors , afraid of removing a simple cyst so they just dish out antibiotics like smarties, not impressed! 

I take my first tablet and, yuck, I know tablets don't taste nice, but their not meant to, so they add vanilla flavouring to them, why? because their stupid , I hate vanilla , I'd rather the bitter taste of the tablet, than that! Gross nearly threw up , not a good start, and their making me feel very nauseous , drowsy , and causing hallucinations/double vision , really not nice, a few years ago I'd have enjoyed the hallucinations/double vision , but not now, right now I hate this feeling, and just want to go to bed 

I really hoped things would get better as the day went on, but also had contact from my counsellor to say he can't make my appointment on Friday, just when I really could have benefitted from a counselling session, but I have now re-planned my Friday, and am planning to go to a Mental Health Service User Network, group meeting, at Neath Centre for Voluntary Services, to at least try to do something positive

Hope you're day has been better

*Hugs wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. x x x  

Hiya, Sorry to read that your day hasn't been positive for you. I do hope that this evening you have felt a little brighter.

i actually started a new job in a small bakery today. I am still keeping on my support work job but I am hoping to reduce some of the shifts.

It has been a long day today and I am ready for my bed. I am in the bakery again tomorrow followed by going straight on to a support shift.

My partner is on a downer today ,which is a struggle for me as i find it frustrating, Yes, it is totally cruel how his kids have treated him. Shame on his ex for using his kids as a tool for hurting him more.

I hope that you have a good day tomorrow.

Love + hugs

Juliex

Well I meet with my Anger Management Support Worker today, and really need it , I've just had a letter this morning, from my Housing Care & Support Worker Angela, now giving me, an ultimatum that if I don't meet with her by the 9th then my support will be withdrawn , I'm struggling to understand how she has no understanding that I'm in a legal battle with her company, and this makes me feel difficult , as I have no trust , and am not sure where I go from here, so this suggests not to make things worse I will have to meet with her , but she has to agree to neutral ground, and has to agree not to interfere in the legal process, my letter tells me I'm only to deal with Becky Richards, therefore I don't want to complicate things 

Ooh working in a bakery sounds quite nice, but glad to hear you're still keeping you're support job on, sorry to hear you're partner has been on a downer and it's made things a struggle and frustrating for you, I hope his downer subsides and that your struggles and frustration are easier to cope with soon 

*Hugs wrapped gently with Love*

Stumpy. xxx