Nothing but darkness, I really hate living

Good Morning , I am so pleased that I had taken the evening off yesterday as my partner's anxiety levels were extremely high. Motivating him was impossible as he complained of feeling sick. Despite suggesting that it was more than likely due to anxiety [ I was diagnosed with anxiety depression] . In the end, I just left him to do what he wanted as I totally understand how frightening it must be waiting for his hospital appointment with his Consultant. 

I spent the day freshening up the paint work . Today will be spent baking , something that I used to do frequently when the boys were younger. 

I worked in the NHS in my younger days and some of the Consultants were truly horrible with no bedside manner at all.

I do hope that you have a fab time meeting up with Debby.

Looking forward to reading all about it later perhaps?

Love + hugs coming your way. 

Julie 

Well yesterday with Debby was fab, we went to Yates's for lunch, and then went shopping, I bought a new hoodie top , and then after a walk around town, we went to Costa for coffee , I almost wanted to cry, as I was so happy, for the first time in a long time, so relaxed, Debby insisted on paying for my lunch and my coffee, nobody ever pays for me, so it felt special like someone actually finally really cares, I really hope I can spend more time with her, maybe I can pay next time

People are shocked about how my family don't celebrate my birthday, and despite it being my 30th  on Wednesday, then nobody will celebrate it with me, I'll be celebrating  alone, as usual, maybe have a card from my family, but that'll be it, I have my meal out at the pub booked, complete with my 16oz T-Bone Steak, I will enjoy it, despite being on my own

I'll likely have a mini celebration  on Friday too, with my counsellor, it's my counselling session, and he'll likely bring me a card, and not a full size cake, but a cup cake with a candle on, he's quite silly in that respect, as he doesn't like it when he hears of people celebrating alone and not having a proper birthday , but he can't go too over the top, or he'd get into trouble with his boss, and I don't want that happening, but I think he knows how to keep things calm enough that he won't get into trouble 

Today is a boring Sunday, with no buses, and nothing to do, I think I'm thinking more about things, and feeling a touch low, but nothing I can't handle, I have bought some hidden spy cameras on eBay, ready to install to get some evidence of what went on when I was a child, I know it may sound a touch dangerous and scary, but at least this way I'm not just making statements that my dad can deny, although they'll take a while to arrive, purchased from China.

Most consultants I've met have absolutely no bed side manner, they are horrible, but at least there is the odd good one amongst them, I can only cross my fingers  that when I go for my appointment, that I'm wrong about it being my actual horrid psychiatrist

Nice to hear you got to freshen up the paintwork like you planned, am curious what colour the paintwork is  and that you were able to do some baking, you seem to enjoy baking  just a shame it was impossible to motivate your partner because of the anxiety, and his anxiety is understandable, I hope his anxiety eases after his hospital appointment

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x  

What sort of day have you had today?

My day has been ok. 

I was sad to read your comments regarding your 30th birthday. Everyone deserves to be treated and made to feel loved/special for at least one day ;that being their birthday. I hope that you are proved wrong and are made to feel special/loved because I am sure that you are.

I find painting; in the decorating sense very therapeutic. I can always remember a friend commenting on how I must be feeling better mentally because I had started decorating. I love changing the colours around the house. My biggest achievement was completely rubbing down the kitchen units and painting them. I am now on the 3 rd colour change. 

Tomorrow, can't come soon enough as my partner is imagining the worst at his hospital appointment tomorrow. I can only try and calm him down but it is hard as his anxiety is sky high.

I will let you know how it goes.

Until tomorrow

Good night and God bless

Julie xxx

Hmm unfortunately I know I won't be proved wrong about my birthday, but like I say it's the mini celebrations  with people like my counsellors and support workers that make me feel good and put a smile on my face , along with my own spoiling of myself with my favourite meal , nobody has properly celebrated my birthday since I was 11 years old, and that isn't going to change now, hence I spoil myself, I got my first birthday card today, signed by all my friends at Mind , they are more like family to me, they were quite annoyed by the fact I didn't tell them that not only is it my birthday, but is in fact my 30th 

I love painting/decorating too, and find it really fun and relaxing, one day I swear I will decorate a living room with a design that I've had in my head since childhood, that I love but would cost a fortune, I want a black wooden floor, matt black skirting boards, black ceiling, upturned black dado rails, and rope lights around the bottom of the skirting boards, on top of the up turned dado rails, and at the top of the wall/ceiling, bottom set of rope lights purple, middle set green, and top set red, the walls I want 2 dark purple like the colour of ultra violet light strips, and 2 glittery silver, it probably sounds crazy, but I find the idea relaxing, then I want some black box shelves, with my lava lamps, and other fun sensory lights I own

Hope tomorrow goes well for you, tomorrow for me will be good, it'll be both fun and a much needed calming day, as I have my anger management with Sarah, re-arranged, moved from our usual meeting in Neath, to meeting in Swansea, I think she has plans to turn it into a mini celebration  for my birthday

Today was a bit strange, it started with no Script at the Pharmacy, I had to go down the doctors , I told them the script hadn't been done, after being told it'd be sorted and done, turns out they sorted the mess of it not being on repeat, it is now on repeat, they just hadn't actually issued it, not sure how stupid they can really get, so they said they'll issue it now, get the doctor to sign it and then fax it to the pharmacy, I'm hoping it's at the pharmacy tomorrow

I went to Mind, I talked with the staff there about my upcoming psychiatrist appointment, and how I feel about it, only to find out from the co-ordinator at Mind, that she's now met my psychiatrist, as he's now also become the Psychiatrist for Powys too, and rather than make me feel better about the appointment and more confident, she agreed that my psychiatrist is ignorant, not really much reassurance, although I guess it's better that she didn't lie, I didn't really get much benefit from being there today, other than being in company that I guess I'm quite comfortable in

After leaving mind and walking down to town I bought some food from the fish and chip shop, not having eaten all day, clearly off my food, I sat on a bench to eat my food, after a friend nagging me to go to the pub for a drink, I was annoyed, and it clearly showed, I was pulled aside by my local Police PCSO's who wanted me to talk, but seeing I felt unable to, they told me to chat on Facebook, I chatted on Facebook, and have arranged to meet with them a week Thursday, at Mind where it is neutral and safe, unfortunately it's closed this Thursday, I think they want to discuss my safety, and extra safety measures, since I told them about my idea of spy cams to get some evidence of my childhood abuse and the stuff that went on, I also think they want me to allow them, to take my rope from me, but didn't want to push it too much, as they understand my need for that one element of control over my life

I have been on Facebook talking with a few friends, but even got frustrated with that, I'm not feeling overly low, just a little low, but more frustrated today, here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day, and that getting an early night tonight, and a better nights sleep, will help, I'm feeling unusually tired, something I'm not used to

But at least I have a little optimism and no matter the negative aspects of the day, I'm trying to remain positive

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x     

Well today was an eventful day,

I went to the pharmacy today, to collect my script, only to discover the doctors had messed up my script yet again, they actually issued the wrong script, so I went to the doctors and kicked off shouting so loud that the practice pharmacist offered to help, so he squeezed me in, he tried to help, he's now removed both of my scripts from the computer system and replaced them with 1 script, for 1 & 1/2 tablets 3 times a day, and replaced it with a fortnightly script instead of monthly script, as per my request, starting March 31st, so hopefully when I put the script in, it should now be correct, and I shouldn't feel uncomfortable about having too many tablets, and the risk of over dose.

At first he struggled to understand why I was complaining about receiving too many tablets, it took me to ask "have you ever felt suicidal?" for him to finally understand why I was unhappy that they'd issued the wrong script, but still the right medication, so if when I collect my next script it is right, I have told him the next time they screw my script up, I'll be back to see him, we actually shook hands, considering it's the first time I'd ever met him, and it was all because I was shouting so loud I could have been heard at the end of the street, and almost reduced the receptionists to tears, he was actually quite patient, but he did request that I apologise to the receptionists upon leaving, which I did 

I got to town an hour later than planned, went to McDonalds, got a text just as I'd finished my meal from Sarah to say she'd arrived early for my anger management, so I rushed to meet her 

Wahoo! as suspected, I had a 30th Birthday Card, and mini celebration , with Sarah, she got me a really funky card, it was baby blue and pink, and glittery, she said a glittery card to go with my fun glittery personality , it brought a smile to my face 

After my mini celebration I then met with my friend John, who I've gotten quite close to, had a cwtch, then we went to the library together, I know that probably sounds strange, but John knows I don't usually get much peace, and the library is very peaceful, and we can look out the window out to sea from there whilst staying warm and dry, we then did go out by the sea for about 45 minutes to watch the tide come in, it was really relaxing, I love the sea

I then had a nice relaxing bus ride home, had the bus to myself, in the dark, was quite nice

I'm getting a really early night tonight, as it's been a long day, I always feel more tired after having a blow out, kicking off zaps my energy, and having a relax after makes me want to sleep , looking forward to my birthday  meal tomorrow too, so want to replenish my energy, Paul was unable to get me the 16oz T-Bone Steak, I requested, instead he's got me a 20oz T-Bone Steak, so this is gonna be a whole new challenge, have never attempted anything bigger than 16oz before

Hope everything went ok at the hospital with your partner today, hope his bloods were ok, and his anxiety has eased a little, and that things have been a little easier for you today, I have been thinking of you, it's a really strange feeling for me, as very rarely do I think about anyone else, especially when I kick off.

All I thought about when trying to calm down after kicking off, was, what you'd say,... probably to breathe,... and that it could be a lot worse.

I text Sarah, and Huw my counsellor to let them know I'd kicked off, and the outcome. I think Sarah was glad I only shouted a lot, and didn't actually become physically aggressive, result, shows my anger management is working  

I think Huw will be proud as I didn't turn to drink, despite how difficult the situation, I was almost reduced to tears when I had to explain why I was unhappy about the script, but I got through it, and feel good that the outcome was a more positive one  

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of positivity and Love*

Stumpy. x x x x 

Firstly; Happy birthday to you,

           Happy birthday to you,

           Happy birthday dear Stumpy ,

           Happy birthday to you.

I hope that you have a great 30th birthday.

It was sad to read about your experience in the chemist. It was good to read that you apologized. It isn't always their fault/doing but being first line they take a lot of grief. Concentrating on your breathing in times like this does work but it is a case of putting it in to practice the moment you can feel your anger surfacing. I am sure that you don't need me telling you that it is all about 'you taking control of your inner self' x

Well done on not drinking ; a massive pat on your back.

There is one outreach client that I support and every time we go into Town ,we head for the library. I have told him that we need to stop, as despite having a kindle to read books on, every time we 'frequent it' I end up taking books home to read and then forgetting to have them back in time for the return date. Thank goodness for online renewals.

What a fab view you have out of your library; I am so jealous as I too love watching the sea as it is so calming; despite me being frightened to death of it following near misses in my childhood almost drowning. I can still clearly remember going over to Ireland and having to go on a small boat over to the Island that my dad grew up on as his dad was a lighthouse keeper. The proximity to the water terrified me and I do think that my fear all stems from that. Although , I did almost drown in a pool and had a can also clearly remember getting out of my depth in the sea; thank goodness for my 'big sister' being there.

Our aim is to move to by the sea but presently, we are staying put. I do love my home and where it is but I understand that it isn't my partners home. 

His appointment was heartbreaking yesterday as there is a strong chance that the medication is no longer suppressing the CML and he could be coming out of remission. It was the same scenario from his 1st lot of meds; they stopped working after around 16 months. We are to return early next month. I just wanted to sob my heart out there and then.

Please God, his blood results were just a blip; although realistically that is highly unlikely.

I messaged his estranged wife informing her and requesting that she tells his children. I took the opportunity of informing how sad it was that they couldn't even thank him for the money that he had recently sent.

I detest bad manners. It makes me so mad as they aren't young kids. Manners cost nothing.

She hasn't replied and I haven't told my partner as he has enough to think about.

I  hope that the card arrives today .xx

Enjoy your meal; for the life of me I couldn't eat a 20 oz steak .

You go girl.

Have a truly wonderful day whatever you get up to.

Birthday hugs and xxx coming your way.

Julie 

Thanks for the birthday wishes, I've not had the card yet, but post here is terrible, so it may well arrive tomorrow, I'll check with my neighbours in a while see if it got delivered there by mistake, my mail often does 

I was saddened to hear the bad news about your partners bloods still being bad, and that the CML no longer being in remission, it's a heart breaking scenario , but I know you need to remain strong for your partner's sake, it's disgusting that his estranged wife and children don't seem to care, but I think you're right that he has enough to think about, without worrying if or not they have replied to correspondence, sending massive hugs and prayers your way 

I'd love to live by the sea, but being a bus ride away is still nice, I love to spend time by the sea, although I probably shouldn't spend too much time there, temptation to swim and end up endangering my self may just be too much, if you ever get the chance to live by the sea do it, sitting watching the sea from a safe distance whilst inside and warm is so relaxing 

I love going to the library in town, but my local library was rubbish, I say was, because it got closed down, along with most libraries in and around my local area, the view from the library in town is rather nice, I wish I was frightened by the sea, but that is one of my problems, I have no sense of danger, and am frightened by very little, sometimes being frightened of nothing is a real disadvantage, it leads to crazy actions, that if I had a sense of danger, or was frightened by things would not happen, like scaling the wall of a river when in full flood, not the best or safest idea 

Cherish your library and being able to take out books, as if you don't it'll become like most of our local libraries, closed down, I hate that they keep closing them, their even making suggestions of closing the library in town, I hope they don't, although I don't read books, I just like to go there to sit, in peace and watch the sea 

I had a drink today, a quadruple brandy in my coffee, to dull down my tooth ache, after my filling cracked on Monday evening and there being no time to get it fixed before my meal today, so now, it's time to contact my dentist, my counsellor will likely disapprove of my choice and quantity of drink, but it doesn't harm me as a one off, I won't drink now for the rest of the year 

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of excitement and Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x x 

Good Morning, I do hope that you receive your card today. My partner is still shell shocked regarding the appointment.I am hoping that today will be better for him. I am trying to push it to the back of my mind as I could just break my heart otherwise just watching him. Hopefully, my positivity will encourage him .

I am at loggerheads with one of my sons regarding my grandchild's 1st birthday. He wants me to be 'civil' to my ex and his new wife!! I would be civil to him but not to her as she was the one who had me arrested for the vile letters sent to her signed in my name c/o my ex. She made it too easy for him to run/hide from his issues/family.

I feel my son blames me for the break up ,although he says he doesn't. I do know that he is in regular contact with my ex. He is very much like his dad. I agreed to be civil , just as I was upon bumping in to him last year but now 'I have a time slot' to choose from to spend time at the 'family party' . He is making me feel guilty with emotional blackmail saying how 'this is about his son ,no one else and we should put our differences behind us for the sake of our grandchild'

If everything was that black and white , how simple life would be??

My ex also had the same message apparently and so must have also stated the same; but why? He was the one lying/deceiving? He was the one taking her here there and everywhere whilst I was here worried sick about him because 'he was working away' or working out what he wanted in life and was away for a few days 'alone'.

I was such a bad person that he kept in touch with messages + gifts whilst giving me the 'there will only ever be you in my heart'. Like a fool, I believed him. I am still so angry at myself for remaining loyal to him for 3 years.

He is a coward through and through. I just don't get why I am made to feel the bad one?

I am off today and so we are taking my mum out; No idea where yet!!

Our library which is a huge, lovely old one was earmarked to close but due to public pressure/petitions it will remain open. The Council wanted to put it in the nearby shopping Mall inside a small shop!!!!!.

There is nothing worse than tooth ache . Please accept my sympathies.

Hopefully, you will get it sorted today.

Have a fun filled day.

Love + hugs.

J.

Wahoo I got you're card today  it brought a huge smile to my face , www.facebook.com/cerileanne.davies/posts/1301950049896227

Hehe princess riding pink pony, holy flying pony, I posted it on Facebook to show all my family and friends, that there are really nice people out there, I also received my carenity polaroid magnet today, what great timing, so have had a really happy day today 

Hope your partner is feeling better today, was nice to finally learn his name from my card, I won't post it here, as I'm not sure about identity, I know if I were to post family names here it could cause issues were anyone who knows me (like the gossips in my local area) to find it, so I tend to keep too many personal details out of public view

Hope you have felt lots of positivity today, as positivity definitely seems to rub off on others even if they try to deny it, I think my positivity definitely rubbed off on others today

Sorry to hear of the position your son placed you in over your grandson's first birthday, it is very unfair of him to expect you to be civil after the ordeal that horrid woman put you through, he should have more respect and meet with both you and your ex separately with your grandson, so you can feel comfortable and enjoy spending time around your grandson, to celebrate his birthday with quality time, without having to worry about the tension in the atmosphere 

It sounds like your son is struggling with feeling like piggy in the middle, and needs to accept that sometimes when people split, it is best that they don't see or have contact with each other, I don't think he blames you, for the split, or he wouldn't want you there, I can understand his feelings on wanting his son to have both of his grandparents around to celebrate his first birthday, but he should respect your wishes and maybe ask his dad to attend alone without his partner, as it sounds that could make things a little easier if you have to see him, at least that horrid woman who caused you so much distress won't be there, I'd also suggest having a friend or your son with you at all times, this way he can't cause any trouble either 

I think it's very insensitive for your son to restrict you to 2 time slots, although I understand that he's done this to try to minimise any potential problems between you and your ex/his partner, but this sounds far from ideal, I think it is up to you to make a decision here, myself I'd tell your son you'll celebrate your grandson's birthday on another day, this way it is quality time with less worry, I think you're grandson will appreciate it more if everyone is comfortable as little ones pick up on every vibe, all the tension, and if your son likes it or not, I'm sure that's not what he wants for his son, is memories growing up of birthday parties that feel like a funeral where the atmosphere is hostile, perhaps it may be worth asking your son if he'd reconsider the arrangements? 

I'm glad public pressure/petitions kept your library open, you're lucky, keep visiting that library, don't worry about book return dates, so long as you can extend them online, then don't let forgetting to return them stop you, and I'm sure you're client appreciates the time that you spend at the library

I've not sorted out my tooth yet, but it's not ached so much today, I use dentemp to fill it, and can replace it up to 5 days, or 7 at a push, so it'll be fine until next week, and if I do get aching I have plenty of Tylenol paracetamol tablets, that I brought back home from Thailand, so I can take a few if I need, and sleep through the pain 

I met with Angela today at her office, I now know where her office is, so should be simpler next time I go there to see her, she asked today if I'd like her to set up a meeting at head office, re the radiator and she'll go with me, but I told her no, as I told her we shouldn't have to chase them, it should be up to them to contact me, I did tell her that everything is now going well with my doctor, my counselling, and that I'm due to see the psychiatrist, and that I intend to ask my psychiatrist, that if I continue with my police report, that I want his promise that if things go wrong, he can keep me safe, as if my dad denies things and becomes aggressive I am likely to need a bed in psych ward, as I would likely lose my mind, not able to cope with fighting it all

I'm looking forward to my counselling tomorrow, I know my counsellor has got me a card, and possibly a little cake, and he knows there's lots to discuss before my Psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday, including my spy cams, the danger involved, and my rope, I know the Police PCSO's want to take it from me, but I'm not sure I'd allow them, although, I might trust my counsellor enough to take it from me if he feels the need, he's one of the only people I do trust, who usually always sticks to his word, despite my insecurities

I hope you enjoyed taking you're mum out today, wherever you took her, I hope it was somewhere nice

*Hugs wrapped with oodles of positivity and Love*

Stumpy. x x x x x  

I was pleased to read that your card arrived. Yes, I totally agree about being cautious regarding putting too much personal information on here. I do wonder sometimes if I should have private messaged you at times, but I  think that it is important to demonstrate to others reading our posts that help/support is always available on this group along with trust/friendship; just like we have

The card made me smile when I was choosing it; it was cute which I do like . I too, received the fridge magnet that I also won in the New Year Carenity game. It is now on the fridge for all my visitors to see.

I was quite annoyed at the son in question ; we never mention his dad. I did actually email his dad asking what his problem is with meeting up as we have met up by accident in a shop and we were fine. I do think that his new wife is a control freak who is insecure regarding his past. When she phoned whilst we were chatting in the shop , he didn't answer it unlike myself who answered it when it was my partner and told him who I was chatting too. I have absolutely no feeling at all regarding my ex and so I am always honest with my partner. The hurt,lies and deceit run too deep.

I have made it clear that I will never play 'happy families' with her. I do know that my ex will be /is petrified of us meeting as he knows that I will tell her the absolute truth ;I even have the emails /dates regarding his lies/deceit to her also; not that I give a stuff regarding her. From what he told me on his numerous returns, she thinks that I am terrible person who totally controlled him. If that was the case then I would have been totally in control of the financial side.

It makes me so angry and this has stirred it all up again; especially the police ordeal. They really are a nasty evil pair . The truth always comes out and let's see how long she puts up with the insecurity and his mental illness issues. She already actually believes that he wrote a now famous book that has been made in to a film!!!!!

For my own well being I need to put it out of my mind but certain incidents ie solicitors letter concerning the divorce /finances ,now the birthday stir it all up. I hope that both those 2 and his family get everything that they deserve.

Yesterday was a good day although I don't know if it is because of mums diagnosis I felt like I to watch her like a hawk. It was so sad in a way just watching her knowing that her condition is going to get worse. We went to a large garden centre, although just before leaving my parents she piped up that she wanted to go to a beach.

Due to the fact that we don't really live near any beaches plus it was forecast rain we put her off that notion, We will take her when the weather is more predictable. I was upset when she was chatting about giving up her driving licence and being stuck in . She also mentioned the fact that she won't be able to just get in the car and nip and get something. I did point out that we all drive but she says that 'it isn't fair to put on us' . She has always been 'there' for all of us. In my darkest days she would be here. I could have cried when she was saying that.

I personally think that it would have been beneficial for you/Angela to sort out the radiator issue together; that way it is sorted and forgotten about. With her back up /support, it more than likely will have more clout than you fighting it alone. Just a thought from outside the situation. I never think it is good to leave things but to address them face on.

Did you manage to eat the steak?

I can always remember mentioning to a librarian who had worked in the library for many years that I felt guilty about buying a kindle instead of continuing to regularly borrow books, only because it was easier at that time [midst of marital mess]. She assured me that it wouldn't matter as it is the powers that be/cuts that would close it and not the total lack of use. I love reading an actual book though . After we returned from our trip out , both myself/partner sat in the conservatory reading. We both love sitting outside but it was a bit too chilly but our garden is South facing so it was lovely and warm in there with what was left of the sunshine making it a calm , peaceful place to be.

I hope that your meeting goes well today my sweet.

Look forward to reading all about it later.

Have a fun filled day.

Oodles of  and 

J xx