How do you feel today?

Hi, I have been suffering with depression and severe anxiety. I also suffer with chronic back pain. And have been on medication for the depression about 15 years ago and the last 12 with severe chronic back pain.

I have gone to my gp and have been told that my back pain was not real that my depression and anxiety were making me feel like my back was nothing. It made me feel like I was a useless and stupid and started cutting myself. It was bad time for me as I have a son who was depending on me. But thankfully my gp believed me and sent me to another consultant at another hospital. Where he found that I had degenerative chronic back problems and I went through all the pain management and all the pain medication and that all I can do was deal with having pain all the time. After 6 years I was finally seen by another doctor Who operated on my back but he said it didn't work for me as I am left with a degenerative disease and permanent nerve damage to my right leg. And all of this with my depression and anxiety and try to take care of my beautiful son. Who I have failed so badly and been that he hates me as I was never was good enough for him. I am really am a waste of space.

I was in the gps on Tuesday and I was trying to tell him that I was using a higher dose of my medication was not helping. And he turned around and said that the medication I am on for my back and depression were very addictive and that I was on the high end and he wasn't going to increase my medication. He is my new gp as the doctor I was for over 20 years retired. And I have been to see him twice. He made me feel like I was just a sad and useless junkie who wants to get high so and is a useless mother. 

I am so so sorry for going on but I have been cutting myself to try and feel like I deserve it and it is getting worse the last few days. My son is now 19 years old and he doesn't need me as much and I hate this feeling that I wasn't any good as a mother as when he was just a few years old I had a job that paid well so I spoiled him rotten but after 5 and a half years they shut down the office and opened in Manila. So I did courses to keep me busy while he was in school but I had to stop as I ended up on disability. And that has been my condition for the last few years and for a long time my parents didn't understand that I was really depressed and barely went out socially as my anxiety would go into overdrive and I would have panic attacks. I have been an embarrassment to my family as they believe that I want to be this failure of a mother, daughter and sister. As my younger sister has a great boyfriend and she has 5 kids under 10 and I only had my son and his father is not involved in our lives. 

I am really sorry for bothering you all but I have taken extra medication before not to try and kill me just to take away all the pain so I wouldn't feel this way and that I could be someone that people would want to be seen as normal. Tonight is another really bad night and I have taken extra medication and I tried cutting but none of it has helped me. I am so sorry for not being what everyone wants me to be which is being normal, have a good job taking care of my son and being able to give him every thing he wants and never have to scrap away money to get him everything he deserves.  At this minute I am so scared that I am going to do something stupid and then they will take him from me. That has been my greatest fear for the last 19 years . 

I am really sorry for bothering everyone I just thought that would help to just write it down and it would work but I don't know how I feel now.

Hi, still in a rotten place, cutting has helped a little bit. But I look at my son and I feel blessed, he is such a good kid. He helps me to clean the house when I am struggling to move and clean. I feel better when I spend time with him even if it's just watching a movie together. It's funny we have a German Shepard husky cross he is called Oden and when I feel able to it I go to the park to walk with them. Now Oden likes to cuddle with me on the couch and have me rub and scratch his back which helps me to relax when I am having a panic attack or just not feeling good, he seems to know exactly how to make me feel better.

Now when me and Adam are watching TV Oden gets up on top of me, and stares at Adam even trying to push him off the couch. And won't let him back on the couch or if Adam's back on the couch he will either sit on me or between us and sighs or just gives him evil stares that has us laughing.

Now Oden also sleeps with me on my bed but he can roll around and tries to take over the whole thing but it is nice to have someone to cuddle especially when the nightmares come or after I have been cutting to get some piece. But my parents who I thought was starting to understand what depression was, told my uncle on the phone without realizing that I was on the line as well. They said that they don't realize why I am on so many tablets and as the eldest why couldn't I make them proud instead of being a waste of space who just wants attention. That killed me and I was going to take an overdose but I thought of my son so I couldn't do that. So I just cut and cut deep probably needs a few stitches as I cut deep to feel like I was useless and a waste of space and then I look at Adam and maybe I have messed him up or maybe he is the kind helpful big hearted person who will be able to do whatever he wants without me ever judging him. That I love him so much and with all my heart.

Cant go on anymore. Suicidal thoughts are extremely strong. Sick n tired of having no friends and no one to talk too. I have been peaying for my death for the last 4 months. Havent had covid but i wish i did get it as i would of been dead by now and that would of done everyone in the family a favour.  

Hello @salem666‍, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Please know that the community is here to support you. If you ever feel like you can't cope with these feelings any longer, please reach out for help. 

Here are a few numbers that are available 24/7 if you need to talk to someone right away:
Call 116 123, or text SHOUT to 85258 if you don't want to talk over the phone.

Hi everyone, what do you do when you're feeling your lowest? Is there someone or something you turn to? What do you do to get out of a negative head space?
@Siobhanloui93‍ @Michael4‍ @Chan989‍ @Viny76‍ @Nannie22‍ @Katykat38‍ @Rf1974‍ @Debbiepeters‍ @Josehc‍ @Hedgehog92‍ @LyndaJ67‍ @Ajwilso‍ @Tina06‍ @BakuBunny‍ @Shaunm‍ @Muffin‍ @Gemma-Louise‍ @littlemisskitty‍ 

Feel free to share here, we're all here to support one another!

Take care,
Courtney

Hi all, I've only just joined in because all my notifications were going to junk. I'm Joe, pleased to meet you.

Hi,

Things have not been great two weeks ago I was in absolute agony and couldn't straighten up and I was already on the highest level of painkiller according to my gp. I have been on the same prescription for the last 5 or 6 years and my prescription is amitriptyline 25mg 2 @night, Serlan tabs 100mg 2 @morning, Lansoprazole 30mg 1 in the morning. Pregabalin 150mg 1 in the morning, Pregabalin 100mg 1 @ night, Meloxicam - Areloger 7.5 mg 1 in the morning, Oxycontin 10mg Pro Rel Tabs 1 in the morning and 1 @ night.  Also Xanax 2 a day, Also Oxynorm 10mg twice a day.  And with all of these tablets that are supposed to help me I am still in pain and feel so down.  Lately the only thing that helps is cutting and that has gotten pretty bad. I asked the new gp if I could increase the pain meds so that at least I am not crippled over and can't even do the basic things. And when I do try and go without all the pain meds to be able to everyday things without feeling like a zombie and so out of it, I just end up worse than I started and it just starts the vicious circle again.  But my gp says that I have been on all the meds so long that I have built up a tolerance to them, especially the oxycontin and oxynorm.  But seemingly these are the best pain meds that there are and there is nothing else I can try.  

So I am just living in pain and it feels like it is never going to end and that I am always going to be a waste of space and an embarrassment to everyone. I feel so alone and like I will always be the one no one wants. I am so so sorry to bother everyone .

 I think a zoom hub would definitely be good I have a zoom cancer support facilitator every week I phoned cancer support they rang me and introduced me to this zoom meeting and I find it very helpful, it's great to be able to talk about how I feel and the worries I have with this cancer plus hearing others talking about themselves I find it great as you cant really explain how you feel to your family because you dont want them to worry about you so this is a better way to Express your feelings as after you finishing your treatment you are on your own you dont have that shoulder to lean on so if we had a meeting with cerenity then that would be good also Tigger 

Hi Salem, I dont know you but we on here are here to give you support ,please dont do anything to harm yourself if you are feeling like this then please ring mind 0300 123 3393 they will help you or the samaritans home 116123 but please try mind they are a fantastic mental health charity but they are proper people to help you with this ,I suffer with PTSD low moods depression and anxiety, and they have helped me when I was young I used to self harm so I do understand how you are feeling but please seek help love and big hugs Tigger. 

PLEASE listen to Tigger, what she says is very wise.

Sorry I haven't been on in a while. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. My chronic pain is better in the summer months with the warmth so I think it must be linked. I always dread fall and winter because I know I'll be plunged back into my depression. I hpe with the vaccines we won't end up in lockdown again this winter because I don't know if I'll be able cope again