Depression.

Hello to everyon, i guess my stories quite similar to some I've read. I came out of a 19 year relationship nearly a year ago, my choice due to my ex having a drinking problem, I have no regrets and am still relieved not to have alc in my home, yet the loneliness can be consuming. Even with my kids here and a new partner, although he lives in Australia and we've only had 2 precious weeks together it's still awfully lonely. I was going to do medical trials as I'm broke but have had to return to the doctor after having my first and hopefully last anxiety attack. Wow I really thought I was losing my mind with that. So my doctors were useless as usual and sent me away saying it's probably a blip in my illness and to come back in two weeks, so tomorrow is 2 weeks later and no anxiety attack but the misery remain. I'm really trying to stay positive but I think I'll try going back on medication tomorrow if the doctor will give me any as I really really just can't carry on like this. It's just not fair on my kids. Trying to stay positive as I'm sure you all are as well. 

Make sure you get what you need people think that having children and starting a new life but sometimes you need  your own help and stability.  I also tried to get onto medical trials but failed as im on anti depressants.  So please make sure you get your meds you need so we can continue to talk in the future.

I also did something last night I thought would never happen in trying to hurt myself. Not in a life threatening way but enough to get me to hospital.  I failed of course and when I woke this morning am I glad I failed but I don't know now when I might try it again or how more serious ill be next time.

Why we do these things I don't know my son is doing well in collage my daughter is about to move into her first house and is expecting twins but yet this is still not enough for me some people would say im mad.

But that's another story but please look after yourself take care and we will talk again in the future that I promise. xx

Good afternoon Bexstar, I am pleased that you haven't gone ahead with the medical trials. You need to look after you long term and not think of the short term remedies [finances] that wouldn't make you feel any better inside. Your children need you well.

My new partner, was self medicating with scotch ;before me . This was due to a marriage break down resulting in him having a mental break down as he was also diagnosed with a terminal illness. He really was in a dark place. He has struggled so much + although I was understanding/supportive he was arrested for drink driving. Life had become too much for him and he was suicidal . He thought following that ,that I would turn my back on him but I didn't as he acknowledged, accepted and embraced all the help available. Talking was his life saver although it didn't come naturally. Coming to terms with his diagnosis can still be a struggle; understandably but he hasn't seen his children thanks to his ex. How anyone can deny access to the other parent is hard enough especially as she committed adultery but to deny it to their terminally ill father is unforgivable.

I do understand how hard it can be; I too had been diagnosed with anxiety depression and although I 'had been there" I still had to remind myself to be patient when he was really low.

Sometimes, the best thing to do for your own health, well being and happiness is to walk away; you can't help those that won't help themselves.

You can get through this dark, lonely tunnel but it takes time. My words of advice, having been through what you are going through; including anxiety attacks;

Learn to be gentle on yourself; we are our own worst enemies ; especially when  feeling low.

Take time out for "you". Do things for "you", no matter how small. 

As I was on my own ,although one of my sons was living at home; I wrote a list of everything that I wanted to do /change in the house. No time limit was set as that would only add more pressure.

Even the simplest things like painting a door was an achievement.

For my anxiety I would practice my breathing; a wonderful free tool to use when you can feel panic/stress emerging. To this day, I focus on my breathing to calm myself down.

Force yourself to go for a walk, no matter how short. Take time to notice the flowers, trees, birds instead of the weeds.

I couldn't even concentrate on anything like reading or watching TV. In time, I started buying weekly magazine that contained crosswords. I can't tell you how clever I felt when I actually completed one

You can be surrounded by lots of people; some of whom you know and love but you can still feel the loneliest person on this planet. That is all part and parcel of depression.

You have friends on this group, so make the most of them as we are all here for each other. I will continue to message you, not to necessarily chat about our "ailments" but also to have a giggle. Laughter really is a wonderful tonic.

Please return to your medication and don't miss any doses but don't expect miracles as drugs are used to help lighten the situation, the hard work must come from within yourself.

My mind was in chaos and although the medication didn't solve my problems they helped to ease my frantic mind enabling me to focus on my "issues"

I can honestly say that I never ever thought that I would ever be happy, enjoy my life etc, but I was wrong; thankfully.  Life really can be wonderful, as mine is. It hasn't been easy and I still have down days but then who doesn't?

Try and go outside your comfort zone, do new things; especially if they bring you joy.

As one door closes another door opens . 

In times of upset,stress, loneliness  or just a chat ,please message me ; I will always be here to walk alongside you as you continue on your personal path to happiness and peace.

Hope today is peaceful for you within.

Big hugs, wrapped with love.

Julie xxx

Hi Alunsue, I hope that things are looking a more focused today? It was sad to read about the pain you were feeling last night resulting in the need to harm yourself.

I too, had thoughts regarding how easy it would be to walk out in to traffic ; that for me was the turning point  as it made me realize that I wasn't coping ;something that I continually not only told my friends/family but more importantly myself.

Like you, I too had a lot of positive things in my life but when you are depressed /low that logical mindset doesn't come in to it. Depression is an illness that needs treating. With the best will in the world when suffering depression you don't appreciate the truly good things in life.

Too often we concentrate on the weeds instead of appreciating the flowers,the birds or even how green the grass is.

We are all so precious as individuals.

Please try and be gentle and loving to yourself. Don't spend too much time over analyzing why you felt that you had to harm yourself last night as i think that you will never really be able to pinpoint it .

Always here for you.

Big hugs, wrapped with love.

Julie .

Thank you I've just told a friend of mine what I did and asked why. I dont know amd would I do it again I couldn't answer her. It's strange that although I have people around me I still feel alone but sometimes I want to be alone and get away from everything and everybody. It's a strange place to be especially when I have so many positive points. Thanks for your hugs and understanding xx

Hi yes I've been given new meds to try so fingers crossed with them. Hey Alunsue please don't let yourself come to harm. I know the urge to do that can be overwhelming believe me (stood at the train station and seeing a train coming at full speed)but i just keep telling myself my kids need me no matter what tricks my mind plays on me into trying to believe they don't. Thank you Julie I have been doing the deep breathing and it does help when I persist. I hope and pray for the day I find peace and my 18 year old son who suffers terribly with his mental health. I remind myself how I locked all my knives away from him until he got control of himself and he is in better control and not being threatened with being put in hospital. So if he can cope then so can I. For now I'll focus on my tarantulas ?? and I'm slowly but surely going to get my house decorated. Look after yourselves. Xxx

Hi Alunsue, It is good that you have spoken to a friend; opening up can only benefit you ,as it is all part of the healing process.

It is such a common wish just to walk away from everything/everyone but in reality you can't walk away from yourself . Whatever is troubling you goes with you. Also the moment that you return then all those negative thoughts/ideas will return.

You can be surrounded by lots of family ,friends or even strangers and yet still feel so alone; the flip side is that you may want to surround yourself with people. Depression knows no boundaries.

Bexstar, Keep up with the breathing exercises on a regular basis. They are the best thing to calm you down in times of anxiety.

You are braver than I am having tarantulas. Great news that you are looking ahead regarding keeping yourself busy doing jobs on your house as and when; that is what I did and it is so satisfying to tick it off.

I do hope that you have had a good weekend.

Big hugs wrapped with love.

Julie

Thanks for the tips but I still have a poor view of what's ahead for me although others would be wondering how I can't be happy with what I have already.

Take care alun xx

Hi, just when things seemed to be improving I had 6 hours of repeated anxiety attacks a few nights ago despite the breathing it just would not relent. Honestly the worst night of my life. Anyway with that has come the suicidal need real bad. I have some beta blockers which I'm going to try. Strangely if I spend my evenings researching how to suicide successfully it gives me peace of mind. Kinda strange but at least something helps.

Alun I'm feeling very similar to you at the moment, it's so hard to see anything good to live for and look forward to. I try to think about my children being motherless but the thought of suffering like this forever is so awful. 

If we talk about it possible it can help us both. I thought things with me would improve after last week but not really im just hiuding them instead of dealing with them although I don't know what im supposed to deal with to stop me feeling like this. I don't want to leave anyone and I don't think you do either there is enough bad things going on in the world for our familes to deal with without us adding something else. We will just have to find a way to get through this somehow.

Take care with hugs xx