Depression.

Hi Jessa hope you are well.

Yesterday I had a tough day and today I was watering the plants in the garden and I started to feel very bad. the bad thing most of this bad feeling comes from a complicated relationship with a man more 15 years old than me. 

Thanks for listening to me.

hi am sitting here thinking i just cant go on am so fed up with depression and anxeity , for no reason i have just returned from a lovely family holiday and wham back to feeling so anxious that i can barley go to work, am avoiding my family as they are good but must be fed up with me,I have no real problems which make me feel so selfish, I have been like this since my son of 24 died in a car crash 13 years ago, i have tried almost everything tablets, drink, talking, but now wonder do i need to see a some one, any advice please , Ann

Hiya Ann. 

You do need to speak to someone; it could even be a real benefit by just chatting on here?You obviously haven't really got over the sad loss of your son.

Self medicating with alcohol, not only just hides the issue that you are not accepting but it can also inhibits you and can pull you down even further.

My new partner who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, hasn't seen his children and is divorcing someone whom he thought was his soulmate self medicated also. He was so low and turned to alcohol as his comforter. He was arrested for drink driving, spent 2 nights in police custody under constant observation by the mental health team as he was suicidal. He has spent numerous weeks in hospital. 7 weeks in a hospital immediately from court and more in a local one after his moods dipped that low.

It is heartbreaking,

He is coming to terms with the fact that this will be his last chance of happiness as he will have nothing otherwise. He is no longer self medicating , although he seems to think that counselling will solve all of his problems. They wont. He has to do the hard work himself with the tools to succeed .

He has to embrace the facts and accept them . We all have our breaking points; some reach them sooner or later but at the end of the day it will come and they have to be "owned"

Whilst you are away, everything is put on the side until you return when all those insecurities/anxieties re surface. My partner was the same. 

Focus on yourself and getting the help that your son would beg you to get.

From my own personal experiences , I do understand how frightening, lonely and painful life can be as I was diagnosed with anxiety depression.

You are still grieving for your son and grief has no expiry date but you now need to put that grief on to one side and embrace the life that you deserve. Enjoy being in the company of your family, surrounded by those that love you so very deeply.

Celebrate your sons life; live his life though you. Go out and make the most; hard as that may be at times, especially when it comes over you without warning and for no reason

Ann, you are not being selfish , you are ill. Please return to your GP and start learning to love life again. I am always here for you if you want to chat. x

Big hugs, wrapped with love .xx

Hi Ann, it sounds like you have been through a difficult time recently and I am sorry about that. I agree with everything that itgetsbetter said above, but I will reiterate that talking to your family is really important. I know you don't want to see them and you feel that they are fed up of you, but I can guarantee that they don't feel like that at all. They are most likely worried about you and by talking to them and telling them everything (and I mean everything- the good, bad AND ugly) you are allowing them to help you which is helpful for both you and your family. I did it with my family and although i'd say they didn't understand as such, they are now very supportive and helpful, I feel a lot better having told them compared to before when I bottled it all in. 
Another thing is to take time out of everyday to do something for you! whether its going for a short walk, reading your favourite book or watching a film that you have always wanted to see, I find it helps, especially if you don't feel guilty about it, of course you have no reason to feel guilty but unfortunately guilt is depression's best friend.

I hope this helps, always remember that the carenity community is always here to listen and help and remember that you are important! xxx 

Hi my name is jon i have autism  i have had depression for 10 years cant achieve my goals want a girlfriend want female friends want to go to America want to walk with wolves  want to help animals want a lap dance  they are my goals  i get upset that i cant achieve my goals  self harm few times Dont want to  be alive have no purpose nothing here for me  live in darkness i am scared of people years ago  had a  friend  he got very violent at my house he kicked me in the nuts rammed plank of wood in my stomach a few times  i really wish i wasnt a human being  very bad unwanted dark thoughts of suicide and touching women dont want to go on the beach in the summer much as want to touch women in Bikini and i cant it is frustrating i get upset i have obsessive fantasy of wanting a lap dance frustrated and upset that i am not having one want to cuddle a woman i am jealous of young couples and hating men i see with girls at mardi gra last year  a guy was on one knee a woman in it put her bum in his face i was jealous and upset that it happened to him and i have nothing  like lhat happen to me  i am very lonely want alot of cuddles from a woman 

hi jon, why dont you message me and you can tell me all about it. Us men have to stick together and we could have a good chat about whatever you want. I dont think the ladies here will be able to talk about your man feelings.

I did a drama degree so can put myself into character when I need too. People see a confident, happy person. They don't see the illness I've lived with for 12 yrs.

The only reason I leave the house at the moment is because of the school run. This is a positive as I have to do it, I can't let my children see me panicking or stressing. Once I return home I feel good for having been out but relieved to be back in my safety net.                                                                                  

I have created a routine where I force myself to do some housework even if it's just plumping up the cushions. Or making the beds. By eleven I'm exhausted and ready to sleep. I set my alarm and go into a deep sleep for a couple of hours.                                                                                                

It's then nearly time to pick kids up.I put myself into character and collect children from 2 different schools. Come home and do some more housework, homework, cook tea - hubby comes home - one of the kids will have a club activity - (I usually sit in the car and read) come home again and kids go to bed. I'm exhausted again and sleep right through to alarm clock goes off for hubby to go to work at 6am. That is an average day.                                            

Some days are worse where i ache all over, have no energy at all, I feel empty, hollow and then my mind goes into overdrive after a couple of these days. I feel like im a burden, I feel like the family would be better without me, I think about how quickly and easily I could end this illness. Then I think about the kids and how they would cope without me. I cry lots for thinking such negative thoughts, that's when I up my medication. I try to concentrate or focus on something, anything. This is a monumental task as my concentration has vanished and I am on auto -pilot. I actually don't know how these days eventually fade? But they do!

Some days I wake up and feel positive, these days are few. However I will have loads of energy and get house completely up together, be organised. I will feel good about what I have achieved. I feel confident, I feel like this is how it should be everyday.I wish I could have more of these days.I love these days.

This illness has cost me friends, jobs, luckily not my marriage, my hubby tries to support me however having not ever experienced the mental battle himself it's hard for him to truly understand. He has his own stresses with work, mortgage, bills etc... Some days I can see the last thing he wants to hear is that im having a difficult day. So I find myself shutting off from the family. 

Depression is a daily struggle. Depression is exhausting. 

hi bethany nice to meet you. Do you realise what your post has just told me by reading it? you are a mum, a wife and a survivor. You have the strength to do what you do every day and you continue to succeed despite how you feel.

Being a mum is no easy task and looking after us blokes is no picnic either so big yourself up and concentrate on those good days.

There are plenty like minded souls here willing to be there if you need to vent, cry whatever. 

Thank you Knuckles, today is a good day  It felt good getting all of that out in the open  It's also good to have support from people who have or who are in the same place, and give advice back 

Hi Bethany. I also get my periods of feeling the same way you described. It comes in waves for a few weeks then dissolves as i get more immersed in looking after my son and myself. I have been a single dad for a while now and a shift worker for many years. The fact that you rest well is a positive, and im sure your husband and children worship you and would love to hear about your day but it may be worth you letting them know individually how low you feel occaisionally. My son was 15 when i explained to him how i get my good days and bad days and is now incredibly supportive to my condition. He still doesnt know the full extent of my illness but really helps me knowing that he is there for me when im down. Im sure you will get through your illness too and i am always prepared to listen to someone in a similar situation to me. Best wishes for the future and dont hesitate to message me.