Counselling

I've also hag numerous different counselling. This one was the best I've had so far and my counsellor was great. I just needed more. 

Been back to see my doctor now and have crisis team involved again at the moment. ??

Aww sorry things are so difficult right now DebbieBLCP, but they will get better, needing the crisis team is not a good space to be in, I hope you're darkness lifts a little soon, and you're able to find more counselling to help you  *hugs*

Hi Debbie, I do hope that you have had a positive outcome from this morning's meetings?

As Stumpy states that over shadowing feeling of gloom and despair will lift.

It is hard to even imagine anything ever changing ,but it will. Stick with not all the outside available help but also with the self help as this will push you on your way to that better place.

Keep chipping away, you are doing great; although I doubt that that is how you feel at the moment.

Make the most of this group for your benefit and keep chatting.

Always here for you.

Gentle hugs wrapped with love.

Julie

The longest sessions of counceling I had was with a womens centre, the counselor was good but the place has since closed. Most of my counselors have been good the worst was an NHS one though my GP.

I have suffered with depression throughout most of my life. I can feel ok for a couple of months but it always returns. I have seen various counsellors and therapists and only found one of them useful but he retired about 5 years ago. I went to my GP in August 2014 to tell them I was really struggling and having suicidal thoughts. They put me in the system for a referral to see a psychologist. I saw several GPs and asked what the time frame might be for the waiting list, some didn't know and another told me it was about a year! A year! For someone who has stated they are suicidal! I was referred to see various counsellors through my work none of whom were of any help to me and was passed from pillar to post and in the end just had to try to help myself so that I could get back to work as that was making me feel worse. As I work shifts I could barely ever get an appointment at my doctors. I reached several points of crisis from when I first went to tell them about my depression/suicidal thoughts. In Oct 2015 I asked the surgery what had happened to my referral to see a psychologist and was told by the receptionist that she couldn't give me that info and the admin team dealt with it so she said she would put in a request for them to call me to update me on my case. No one contacted me and by Nov I had to change doctors just so that I could attend the walk in clinic at my own surgery as they had stopped allowing registered patients from going to the walk in. So after 15/16 months I was still on the waiting list to get some talking therapy through the NHS and presume that after I was forced to change doctors surgeries that I may have been removed from the list. I am now almost 36 years old and have suffered with depression since I was about 11 years old which is when I first thought of killing myself. I have no friends, which is one of the reasons I often get depressed, and means it is often difficult for me to cope with things alone. If you could see a counsellor for 6 months then that is excellent as the most I have had is 5 sessions which doesn't even begin to scratch the surface or build any type of rapport/trust. I have become so sick of having to tell my story to one person after another, dredging up awful memories and not getting any help in return. Each time I get really ill I just have dig somewhere deep down inside and find it in me to help myself. It is not a very nice place to be but it has been my reality for as long as I can remember.

This group is ideal to chat /open up. We all have our own personal experiences but the emotions are the same.

Do you know the root of your depression is?

I completely understand the frustration that you must feel with 'time limits' being placed on the amount of counselling sessions. Waiting lists are a sad reflection just how mental health affects so many people.

You have done so well in digging deeper each time but look on that fact as a positive; you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I do hope that you achieve the outcome that you are looking for. xx

Always here to chat/support.

Julie x

Hi Julie,

Apologies for my late reply. Mostly I feel depressed because I have no friends and have spent most of my life alone and it just seems that no matter how hard I try people don't really take to me. I have a good job but the shifts are very demanding and that also affects my mood. I have tried to join some groups in recent years but have found it almost impossible to attend any as they always seem to clash with my shifts. Sometimes I can feel ok but it never really lasts more than a couple of weeks and I have felt chronically depressed most of my life since I was about 11 years old. I was bullied at school, well several schools in fact, as I was always very quiet but bright. I was also victimized at several workplaces, again I believe because I am quiet and find it difficult to stand up for myself as I also suffer with anxiety, most notably social anxiety. I have got into a bad habit of drinking too much over the last few years and treat alcohol as if it is a friend. It seems to give me something to do for a couple of hours out of my day but has, on occasion, got me into trouble and ultimately makes me feel bad about myself because I know I shouldn't be drinking all the time and worry about how it may be affecting my health. I think it's just because I feel so completely lost in my life and even though I am able to pick myself up most of the time I also wonder sometimes how much more of this life I can take because I don't think I can spend the next 30 or 40 years, or however long I have left living my life alone. I just feel so heart broken that no one wants me in their lives. It never goes away. :'-( x

Oh sweetheart; your post touched me so much. You really are I am sure a lovely person with so much to give. It is so hard when you feel alone or that the world is against you to ever change but YOU CAN.  It really isn't going to be easy, in fact there will be days when you think ; What's the point or why bother? 

Am I right?

Looking back on my life at school, makes me sad because I was painfully shy, couldn't mix and felt so alone. I was the one who didn't 'fit in' with the groups. It was a quite an affluent school and despite my parents working so hard as psychiatric nurses they weren't 'posh'. I also lived some distance from the school and so never mixed.

My reports all stated the same; Lacks confidence. I was such a timid child, going red if anyone looked at me, never putting my hand up in class. I hated primary school. 

Even at collage I was the 'misfit'. I married my childhood sweetheart and yes, my confidence did improve but it was nothing major. I trundled along doing the best for my family, giving up a professional career to raise them and try and be the 'perfect wife/ mum etc.

I 'allowed' people to walk all over me, make me feel inadequate . This is what you are doing ; You need to delve so very deep inside and find that amazing person yearning to get out and scream ;' Here I am ,this is me and I am much stronger than you ever thought I would be.

Repeat it to yourself every day. Believe it.

I hope that when you read back your post ,you can see a real positive?

That positive is; you recognize your issues along with how you are reacting to them. Although I didn't turn to alcohol, my partner did .He also knew that he saw alcohol as ;'his way out of facing his issues' His self esteem was rock bottom and he turned to alcohol. He had been drinking before we got together; his marriage had broken down due to him having a break down , he hadn't seen his children , he lost his job, and just to throw flame to the fire he was also diagnosed with a terminal illness.; like you he had no one to turn to and really open up.

He was suicidal and was arrested for drink driving; that for him was the turning point in acknowledging, accepting and embracing 100% all the help available. He ended up spending a few months in a psychiatric hospital. 

For many ;opening up and admitting that 'they are not fine' is a massive struggle. He has found it so hard but with a lot of self help /medication he is off the alcohol. As you know, it really isn't your friend.Please, please get help for this issue. Don't take path to what he has gone through.

Whilst you are drinking , you will always feel 'lost' with no direction. There really are no benefits to drinking in excess; it will drag you even further in to despair. 

Start by trying to reduce the amount of alcohol if you are drinking to excess, as cutting it out altogether is too much pressure for you. Keep a diary , jot down your intake, your moods etc. In time , you will realize just how far you have come when you read it back.

Please try and look forward ; looking back is preventing you to reaching that better place that is waiting for you.

I do understand totally how hard it is to break the cycle and go outside your comfort zone through my own experience. I too could come up with lots of reasons/excuses why I couldn't do something  step outside the negative thoughts, as you are setting yourself up to fail before you have even began; just like 

Sorry but this laptop has a mind of its own. I meant to type; just like I did.

When I reached my late 30's I suddenly decided that I was fed up of being a 'push over' and started to realize that if someone didn't like me then that was their problem , not mine. Don't own someone else's emotion; you are probably very much liked/loved but due to your low self belief/esteem you are blinkered to it. We are our own worst enemies. Be gentle with yourself instead of beating yourself up; its the easiest thing to do. Accept compliments instead of shrugging them off. xxxx

When my marriage of over 30 years broke up due to his adultery, I was heartbroken but it has been the making of me in the process. it has made me stronger and more focused in my attitude/outlook. All the confidence that I had fought so hard to gain over the years was lost ; I felt so alone/lost etc. I have got it back in bucket loads now. Stand tall and proud.x Just take deep breaths and speak out. You don't have to shout from the rooftops . Learn to voice your thoughts, don't shy away. Practice really does make perfect. Concentrate on your breathing. 

Jane , you can get to a better place were you are truly living instead of merely going through the motions. No one believes that I was ever shy/ picked on because of my roman nose, 

The only person who can help you is you and so look at it as 'work on progress'. Set yourself small challenges, anything to make you 'feel good'. You can turn this all around but you have to believe in you and make it happen; it won't come to you.

Have you received counselling? I was offered it but declined , I had a great network and when the time was right ,I talked to them , Talking is the best tool available. The more you address your issues the less impact they will have on you.

There is a real person screaming to get out and enjoy life, but the outer you is preventing that from happening. I am ALWAYS here to support you; please start to open up, I will never judge you because I TRULY understand how hard it is to learn to love yourself . Don't let the past spoil your future... you can do it.

Huge big hugs wrapped gently in love.

Little by little ,day by day.

Keep posting on here, we as a forum are all here to help /support each other.

Don't be alone as there is no need to be. We are your friends so make use of us all.

Julie xxx