I'm scared I'll be depressed forever.

@katz38 Hello katz38,

Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm really sorry that you're going through such a terrible time. The forum is here to allow you to share how you're feeling and I hope you post as much as you need to.

Take care,

Michael

Hi, 

Things have just gotten worse since Christmas, and I barely leave the house unless it is too bring my son to school. He turned 18 last Tuesday and we went to dinner on Saturday with the rest of my family. And my sister made snide comments the whole night. Even my son said it to me that she was being nasty, and that when she was 18 our parents bought her a car and that I hadn't bought him one. But he said it was OK with him, and I bought him the car insurance. But it meant I felt like so bad, and when I got home he had gone to bed, I ended up cutting my arm but it is so deep that my friend David cleaned up my arm and put steri strips on it, but he said it is the last time he was going to help me. He said that I have to stop letting her upset me, I went back to my doctor today and she put me back on xanax and increased my antidepressant to 200mg a day but I don't know if it is going to be any good or what's the point. I just wish I was normal and was a good mum. And that I didn't always let my son done and wasn't an embarrassment. I have been taking medications for years and nothing seems to help me for long. 

Hi katz38 ,I really understand how you feel, I myself suffer with PTSD low moods depression and anxiety I also have been like this as I have had a really bad life it's only now I have a really good life ,I have been bullied in my school years from the day I started till the day I left ,just because my dad was in a mental hospital, I used to self harm but not by cutting myself mine was pulling my hair out I used to have loads of bald spots ,I used to cover mine up with a eye pencil so nobody noticed ,also I was raped at 17 by my own boyfriend  ,had a son by the rape ,but kept in got married when i was 19 so my son would have a dad ,but that ended up as a violent marriage, was punched ,kicked ,raped ,and he was digging a hole in the garden to bury me ,my second marriage was an American but went back to the states and left me with my three children ,and my last marriage he was manipulating and burnt all my photos and memorabilia and chucked me out of our 4 bedroom house and remortgaged in my name so when it was sold I didn't get half like I should have , slept on the street for 6 months ,spent a year trying to get away from a stalker now I have loads of illnesses as well as breast cancer on top of being a coeliac which is food intolerance, to gluten and wheat but I have remarried have a wonderful husband 3 beautiful children and 11 grandchildren and one great grandson, but I still have PTSD low moods depression lost my mum to lung cancer ,had to identify my dad when he fell out of his hospital window in 1980 ,lost my mum which I nursed her for 6 months before she passed away in 1995 ,so I have had it all but I am still trying to stay strong because I wont let anything beat me I have been on loads of different pills for my depression PTSD low moods and anxiety but now I am on 2 amitriptyline at night and that keeps me calm but I am 65 and still here thank the lord and I will beat breast cancer this is what some of my life has been like now I am trying to stay happy because I  do have a wonderful family to help me not like my previous life ,Tiger 

Hi katz38 ,I really understand how you feel, I myself suffer with PTSD low moods depression and anxiety I also have been like this as I have had a really bad life it's only now I have a really good life ,I have been bullied in my school years from the day I started till the day I left ,just because my dad was in a mental hospital, I used to self harm but not by cutting myself mine was pulling my hair out I used to have loads of bald spots ,I used to cover mine up with a eye pencil so nobody noticed ,also I was raped at 17 by my own boyfriend  ,had a son by the rape ,but kept in got married when i was 19 so my son would have a dad ,but that ended up as a violent marriage, was punched ,kicked ,raped ,and he was digging a hole in the garden to bury me ,my second marriage was an American but went back to the states and left me with my three children ,and my last marriage he was manipulating and burnt all my photos and memorabilia and chucked me out of our 4 bedroom house and remortgaged in my name so when it was sold I didn't get half like I should have , slept on the street for 6 months ,spent a year trying to get away from a stalker now I have loads of illnesses as well as breast cancer on top of being a coeliac which is food intolerance, to gluten and wheat but I have remarried have a wonderful husband 3 beautiful children and 11 grandchildren and one great grandson, but I still have PTSD low moods depression lost my mum to lung cancer ,had to identify my dad when he fell out of his hospital window in 1980 ,lost my mum which I nursed her for 6 months before she passed away in 1995 ,so I have had it all but I am still trying to stay strong because I wont let anything beat me I have been on loads of different pills for my depression PTSD low moods and anxiety but now I am on 2 amitriptyline at night and that keeps me calm but I am 65 and still here thank the lord and I will beat breast cancer this is what some of my life has been like now I am trying to stay happy because I  do have a wonderful family to help me not like my previous life ,Tiger 

Thank you for your advice, God you have had a horrible time. Hopefully these increase in tablets will help and I will start to feel normal. My son is the best thing in my life but when his father was told he beat me up and said he wanted nothing to do with me or my child. It was only his roommate coming home and stopping him from killing me. So I moved away and l have raised him to be a good boy and he is a great friend. 

That is great to know I hope everything improves for you in your life just take one step at a time and live for your son ,life does get better you just have to believe in yourself and never give up just stay strong and never let them win that upsets them more just remember what goes around comes around have faith ,love and hugs if you ever want to talk then let me know take care love Tiger xxx 

Hi today is a very bad day, my back 8s killing me again and I have to take my medication just to be able to move. My aunts funeral was Friday and while I wanted to be there for my cousins, I was terrified I would say the wrong thing or embarrass people by saying something stupid. I feel so stupid and I am really letting my son down because we were supposed to do the grocery shopping in town today but 8 couldn't go because I was in so much pain, that I took all my medication and pain relief which made me really drowsy/ hyper and I messaged my cousins to see how they were and I think I just annoyed them instead so now I am really really fighting the urge to cut which is really bad tonight. At my sons 18th dinner recently I was wearing short sleeves my niece saw my scars and saskled what happened, I just told her it was a rash and she went off Happy but I felt like such a failure. Lately I really really cant get anything right, my friend brendan fix the cuts last time but he said that's the last time as they needed stitching and he put steri strips as I wouldn't go to the hospital as I know what sad bitch I am and I am terrified that Adam will finally see what a useless no good for nothing mother I am. Or embarrass my parents who already know what a complete and utter failure I am as a mother, daughter or sister. And I am so tired of trying to be a good daughter /mother /sister, I take the medication, I try the mediation. But like today I have the panic attacks and the urge to punish myself for not being helpful to my family or supportive of my cousins but managed to end up being an embarrassment. Some days the only thing keeping me going is my son and how much I love him. And I could never hurt him, he is the one thing I got right in my whole life.
Kathleen

Hi

Having been locked basically in my home, at first I thought it would be a good time to spend with Adam but he is so stressed with his leaving cert exams that I am getting even more stressed out than I was already. My back is still killing me and I have today taken all my daily tablets plus a few more of the painkillers just to get some work done, Adam is brilliant helping me out with the housework. But there are things I like to do otherwise I would do nothing all day except feeling sorry for myself. I tried to get a new prescription for the month on Friday but all I got was a message on their phone. Usually my doctor would give me a few xanax to help me stay calm and relaxed and not worry myself about something I have no control over. Also my left leg is so swollen right down to my ankle and the pain is excruciating and I can't find a position whether it's sitting up, lying down with a pillow under my legs, or lying on my side. I can only get a few minutes of comfort when the pain kicks in. Just got to try keep going and not let the pain and thoughts, stress get on top of me. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

Kathleen