Exhausted :(

I personally would ask him to move out, allow him access to you're children as a father, as if you're unable to trust him, there is no basis for a continued relationship, I came to realise, that once a cheat, always a cheat, so I'd let him go, as he clearly doesn't love you, or he would not have cheated, find someone who will treat you with love and respect, and not stray from you, cheating, and putting you at risk of catching any disease he may catch whilst he's sleeping around, I'd also suggest you go get yourself tested for STI's/STD's I know it's not pleasant, but for both you're own and you're children's sake be safe, I'd suggest that if his new girlfriend is gonna see you're children too, then any contact be supervised, until you know she is safe for them to be around xxx

Good Luck, and I hope whatever decisions you make that it is both the right decision for yourself, and your children 

*Hugs wrapped with Love*

Stumpy. x x 

hi stumpy, as far as i know, they split up that night and have had no contact since, apart from her calling him every name under the sun. he is going for and std test this week and is also starting counselling. he says that she was like an addiction but he somehow managed to switch off when he was here at home. im probably stupid but i honestly think he is sorry and he genuinely wants to try to make things work. but, am i the bigger fool for not having kicked him out?? for trying to carry on as normal as i can :( :(  :(

Hi Tracy. I feel your pain/anger as I was put in that situation after 30 years of marriage. He too came out with the same feeble excuse along with all the usual ones; you didn't make me feel loved, you were always spending time with the kids and never had time for me. One of the reasons on the divorce petition actually stated that ;If we argued I would insult him by calling him names which hurt his feelings!! I kid you not. Another one was due to the fact that in'30 years of marriage, I only attended 1 works party'. It was laughable looking back but at the time it cut me to the core.

He would leave when I was working ,return a few weeks later only to run again. He would promise us all the world, cry non stop , tell me it was over but it wasn't. They were in contact. He would try and make out I was the one with the problem as I would be constantly be watching him sneaking off , his phone by his side, working long hours/working away. I was such a fool.

On discovering his bank details ;he was spending what wage I earned in a month on her in 2 weeks. He was too busy enjoying himself with 'his bucket list', ticking things off that we had never done due to raising a family and being short of money. 

He was supposedly working away; he was with her. The lies /deceit and mind games went on for 3 years and each time I fell for it all because he was diagnosed as being 'psychotic and delusional' I actually put it all down to that. She was apparently divorced from an abusive partner; more lies.

They had me arrested for sending her vile letters; I had the public humiliation of going through the arrest etc only for it to emerge that it was 'HIM' who had sent them . He also turned up at the custody suite 'heartbroken' and wanting to take me home. He admitted it was him despite them living together and according to the PC, they had been living together for 2 years!!!  Lies.

He only wanted to return because 'she' had thrown him out. He actually blamed her for phoning the police wanting me arrested as he had also portrayed me as  'mentally unstable'

I am so angry at myself for wasting 3 years over him. Feeling sorry for him, blaming his mental illness for cheating. It was on talking to a professional that I was informed that 'his actions weren't all down to mental health and it proved how strong I actually was not to go over the edge with his/her treatment.  I was making excuses for him; even to friends/family. They say that love is blind and I was well and truly blinded.

We were soulmates, I couldn't have loved anyone any more than I loved him. He had controlled everything; I didn't even know who supplied our utilities. All our married life we had planned for a great future once our 4 children had grown up. He was taking her to where we used to go with out batting an eyelid, whilst apparently away alone working out what he wanted. 

Please be strong and don't give in to him. If she is telling him and he is repeating it to you that she 'loves him' then the affair will continue. I speak from experience.

My whole world had collapsed ,leaving me feel totally overwhelmed as my dad was also diagnosed with COPD and my sister with cancer. I was also facing redundancy from my part time job. I had given up a professional job to raise our family. 

You will get through it, just as I have. Yes, it is going to be a very long, dark, frightening, lonely path but you will survive. Once that trust is gone, you will never ever have it again ,no matter how many times he will tell you otherwise. or how many times you tell yourself that you will work things out. It will always be there at the back of your mind eating in to you.

He has no where else to go if she has kicked him out. As they say a man will not leave his family/ home unless he has somewhere to go.

My ex actually told me that was one of the reasons that he moved in with her as he had no where else to go.

They were arranging their wedding whilst the divorce was going through; the divorce that he had 'supposedly 'cancelled which according to my solicitor is common. They married in secret , choosing to tell others that 'his family had disowned him' All lies. On recently bumping in to him ;he chose the cowards way and refused to reply to emails/texts etc ,he actually denied it all being planned instead trying to tell me that he married because 'he needed stability'.

I am in a wonderful relationship now but it has been a hard journey. I never ever thought that my life could turn out happy again but it has. In time, i enjoyed living on my own and know that  if God forbid we break up then I will cope and so will you.xx

Looking back, I now think that I was prepared to put up/support him because I was so afraid of being on my own. It has been an huge learning curve for me but it has made me a stronger person.

Please don't make the mistake I did and waste your life ;focus on you and your precious children. Don't accept his 'excuses' in order for him to justify his actions. Let him own his behaviour.

I am always here to support /listen/chat.

Gentle hugs.

Julie x 

Hey guys, sorry i haven't been on in a few days, both kids are sick :( I dont know if what I'm doing is right but because I'm still in love with him (yes I probably am stupid) i cant imagine my life without him in it, so i have made a decision that if he seeks help for what he has been going through, past and present, then we can at least look into marraige counselling. he will stay on the sofa though, he will not be back in my bed for a VERY LONG time and hopefully i can learn to trust him again. you're probably angry with me for making this decision and i completely understand that but i have to at least try don't I???

xoxoxo

tracy x

Hi Tracy, I do hope that your children are all over the worst of their illness.

I do understand why you are thinking like you are because I did also; I took our vows seriously [in sickness and in health] I took him back repeatedly. It really isn't about you being 'stupid' ;you love him so much but in the cold reality of the day; he was having an affair for 12 months before you found out; ask yourself 'how long would it have gone on ;'if ' you hadn't found out?

It was 'stopped' because you found out; no other reason.

The money that should have been going to 'his wife and children' was being spent on him having the life of a single person.

I am not angry as it is your life ; but please believe me when I tell you that I wouldn't want anyone else ,male or female to go through all the lies/deceit that I did. He promised me along with his family counselling etc but it was all a white wash.....lies.

I wasted over 3 years believing him whilst all along he was playing games and basically having the best of both worlds. The trust wasn't there but due to my intense love and not wanting to lose him,I stood by him. They were still seeing each other and she was constantly messaging him. I have heard every lame excuse going for the reasons for his affair; I didn't feel loved, you never had time for me, you were always on your phone, you never accepted compliments off me. Like a fool, I took it all and blamed myself but in the right frame of mind; he was the one in the wrong, he cheated, he was giving her the high life whilst I was sat at home raising his children , not to  mention worrying over him.. How she was like a drug, she flattered him, made him feel the love he wasn't feeling ,they laughed, joked had fun. 

Not once did he ever think that I wanted to have fun, go out etc but I was the dutiful wife,raising our family ,working 5 jobs to support us when he lost his jobs.

You will never ever have that trust again ,you may even become paranoid; you will not be imagining it; it will still be going on especially if she has continually told him how much she loves him. He will swear that it is over.

When friends would tell me the above, I never believed them and would stick up for him ;we were the role model family, he was a great loving dad/husband; they didn't/couldn't know what they were talking about. 

How wrong I was. Yes, he had mental illness issues which could have been the perfect 'get out card' but Tracy he is no different from any other cheat.

 I wish you all the very best in life, Believe in yourself; you gave him the most important gift that any woman can give a man.....children and yet he was prepared to throw it all away.

Always here to support you.

Love + hugs

Julie xxx

thank you Julie, as always you given me something to think about. 

love

Tracy xoxo

I will always be here to  support you Tracy. My heart really does go out to you; as it is truly a horrible situation to be in. Looking back now that I have come out of the other side; I knew deep down that things would never be the same; the trust was gone.I was terrified of my future as we had even attended the same High school. He was my life; I loved him so much;too much as I made excuses for his behaviour. It was staring me in the face but I refused to acknowledge it as I blamed myself for all his lame excuses. Please Tracy do not blame yourself ; don't accept his excuses just to justify his own actions.

If I had the time again, I would have kicked him out and not repeatedly taken him back for him to do it again as 'she' wanted him. It was easier for them to have the exciting, fun times whilst I was left looking after all the mundane things; the grass isn't greener on the other side. In my stupidity i sat and listened whilst he told me how he loved me and was going to make things better. He even wanted to book a holiday for later in the year,to "make it up to us". Thank goodness, that I didn't  listen to him!

It is so painful and you may feel like your heart is being ripped out but you will get through it and you will realize what a wonderful, strong lady you are.

You are a loving.loyal wife, mum etc; don't you ever think that his infidelity was EVER your fault.

big hugs

Julie xx

thank you Julie,

thankfully i am not blaming myself, i did for a few days but then i just realised.........i didnt choose to get into bed with somone else, he did. im stronger than him. no matter what "stress" im under, i deal with it in a way that doesnt wreck my marraige. i have given him some things to do before i can even consider letting him back in my bed, if i ever do. the first he did today, he went for a full std test.........said it hurt like hell  forgive me for wishing i could have been there to witness it. the second is that he has to go and see a therapist/counsellor for whatever he is going through, something which should have benn done for him when he was a teenager. and after he at least gives it a proper chance i.e. 6-8 sessions, then and only then will i book marraige counselling. i dont know of the way i'm dealing with it is the right way but so far its all ive come up with, i two small kids to raise and a house to run while i go to college. maybe im doing it all wrong, i really dont know. if anyone has that manual for this please pass it on.

thank you for listening to me rant on.

Tracy

xoxoxox

Venting is a great release. At the start of all the c* that i was facing , I protected him by my silence. It is a different story now; according to 'him' "I was bad mouthing him" It couldn't have been further from the truth. As someone pointed out;I had every right to bad mouth him after what he put me/children through. The truth has only ever been told by me.

On admitting his sordid secret and wanting my forgiveness ;he too said that his 'std was clear'  I very much doubt that he ever went for one as everything that came out of his mouth was fabrication to make himself feel better. 

I really do wish you well.

Hugs

Juliex