Boyfriend suffers from severe depression and pushing me away

Not sure if it will work, focus on everything that makes him smile especially music and try not to feel like he is pushing you away this is a normal feeling for someone in that position. So spot it and change the subject to something that makes him happy.After a year since the Trauma to me and this is only banter trying to help. he needs to focus on what is causing the pain of severe depression and anxiety and you just need to hold his hand with Empathy and not judgment, plus like I say this is normal to for someone trying to help.. This might not work the first time but with teamwork towards a goal and practice it will, so long as you are supposed to be no offence. The very best to you both. :)

tbh the no contact is killing me and find I now can't focus , sleep or eat. We had spoke about living together after xmas...but now he won't even talk. Yes I have told him I will give him time, but the unknown of if we have a future or not is killing me. I have wrote a small and simple note , telling him how much I'm willing to do, ie counselling together and read up on condition of which I am doing. To me that way he knows how I feel and there's no pressure of talking on the phone. Only question is ....do I send it? . X

Hi, I've noticed its been a few days since your last post tibby. How are things for you and your boyfriend right now ? 

Deb

Xx

Hi Deb.

Not good tbh...its making me ill now. last week he told me we have a future but needs to get better first, but since Thursday we haven't had hardly any contact. I'm too scared to call him and he wont really answer my texts...so still in limbo...feel so hurt that hes just pushing me away all the time...any advice would help so much x

My partner would be able to empathise with you greatly on this. My moods are so all over the place most of the time that telling anyone my thoughts would make them think I'm insane. We are also on a break at the moment, I think the depression took it's toll after 5 years!

My best advice (and I don't know whether people will agree) but don't draw attention to his depression - it's awkward and when my partner is always asking how I am its like..."I'm ok" or "I'm fine" - people don't want to be burdened with my trivial issues. My partner has developed an understanding of my tone and my body language so generally he knows when something is wrong, sometimes he can help, sometimes he can't. Sometimes I feel really down for literally no reason - knowing he is there really does help. 

I feel so peaceful and relaxed when he talks about himself (which is quite a lot - he is a car fanatic so talks about calipers, gearboxes etc. all the time) because then I don't need to find something to talk about. That could be down to my anxiety though, rather than the depression. 

If you need to talk to someone/vent or just get a better understanding of depression, feel free to PM me :)

Hi, 

You've done the right thing to come looking for support for you. Now I can understand completely about your boyfriend pushing you away. When I am ill, I cut myself off from society. It's important for you to let him know your there for him, but not to put pressure on him. Maybe suggest you 2 spending some time together, say there doesn't even have to be conversation. Maybe sit and watch his favorite film. 

I know it's hard now but try and stay positive and don't take anything personal. And it's so important that you keep getting support, ok u may not be depressed, but you still need a friendly ear and a wee bit of guidance. 

Keep us updated and remember no bad time lasts forever. 

Deb

Xx 

Have you thought you may not be his answers, as in life matters the longer happy the better? Sometimes we have to learn on our own even if it is a loss and that is not your answer too? Just a thought nothing more mate..

Thanks for your comments, cant express how good it is to talk to people in the same situation. Its harder because we don't live together, and were planning to move in in the new year. He's had a doctors appointment this week, but they just want to keep putting his medication up, which he isn't too pleased with. We did managed a 20 minute call, where normally its just a few minutes. In a very quick version, he says he's being selfish and needs to get himself better first before he can let me back in?? He says he feels pressured? All I've mentioned is us spending maybe an hour a week. I've mentioned us seeking counselling together, small steps together but I get no response. Its like an emotional roller-coaster and not getting off. Thinking of all ways possible for him to just let me back in xx

Hi Tibby,

I understand its hard right now, but you will have to try and not take whats happening personal. He's not shutting you out to be cruel or to hurt you. Its just want we do when are in the evil grip of depression. Also do you know what medication he is on ? I'm just interested as you mentioned all doc was doing was increasing it. I feel what your going through, but he will come through this,you both will. In the meantime come on here as many times you need, so you have support as well.

Love Deb

Xx

He needs time to just be by himself. Being around people can be irritable and stressful when your head is somewhere else. He needs to know that you are there for him. No matter what, no matter how much time he needs, you're still there waiting for him to be ready to come back.

Whatever it was that has put your boyfriend in this position is a pain that lingers and will always stay with him. How he deals and copes with the feelings are what matters. He needs to be able to release the inner stresses he has. He can do this by talking to someone; saying things that are in your head aloud and to a person can make weight instantly feel off your shoulders. Doing physical activities can be good for your brain to release relevant chemicals to make you feel like you've let out the stresses and tensions.

Personally for my own situation I found that talking was the best thing. But for your boyfriend he must only do it in his own time.