Making waves in my recovery :)

Right now, I'm wondering if letting out my abuse was a mistake, I feel worse, I feel alone, no matter how much I believe others want to help, and want to be there, it all just feels like their telling me what I want to hear, and that in reality, nobody cares, and that in the end I'll end up completely alone.

My warts are part of me, their a physical display of my war with abuse, nobody wants a damaged person, and that's how I feel, damaged, I know my GP means well, with the treatment suggestion, but I don't want to treat them, get rid of them, as that removes the physical display of my war with the abuse, I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but nothing much in my life has ever made any sense.

I hoped to get out today, but I have no motivation to go out in the cold and walk, despite the sun shining, and now I just found out, buses are Saturday service only on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, despite them being normal days, so that just made me feel more isolated over the coming week, first time buses get back to normal is the 3rd of January, I'm so fed up, I wish I never bothered.

My medication can't come fast enough, I find myself clock watching, what sort of life is this?

I'm thinking bad thoughts, maybe it's all my fault?  

No , you are so wrong... none of this was/is your fault.

You have come so far and opened up wounds that you feel should remain closed , but in reality those 'wounds' are burying you. Until all the scars including your genital warts are removed you will never achieve the life you so desperately deserve and are in fact seeking. As you have stated ;'what sort of life is this'? It isn't living , it is existing and until the fear that strangles you is sorted and justice is done then things will not change. Fight for what is yours. A better life, not a merely existing.

I NEVER ever thought that I would be happy; who would want me at 54 ,divorced with children, low paid job . I too had suicidal thoughts as you are aware . I felt that I had nothing to offer and no one would want me.

I was wrong and so are you my lovely friend.

No one will desert you that is your mind playing games on you. Did your dad ever tell you that if you told anyone then they wouldn't believe you and you would never have any friends?

He no doubt brain washed you just like other abusers do ; they rob you of not only your dignity, childhood, self esteem but he also installed fear in to your every bone.

He is still playing mind games and so controlling you; he has won on getting you to think that this was/is all your own fault.... NO it isn't.

You know deep down that keeping your warts doesn't make sense ;that is the logical side of your mind but logic/reasoning can also fly out of the window and it is as you feel the need to be punished when you have done no wrong.

You are basically whipping yourself , convincing yourself that you aren't worthy of love or feeling good ever again.

You have suffered long enough and now is the time that you blossom in life. You deserve that for being 'you' Stop the self loathing and instead learn to love yourself just like your family /friends do. 

It must be a terrifying time in your life now that closure is in site as fear is ruling you; the time to take back the control of you is emerging. We all have a limit and you know deep down that that time is now. You have so many people fighting your corner, supporting you. They have been there for you and are still there now. They are your strength so use them; they have fought so hard to get to you to here ,The strongest person here is YOU. Believe in your ability; never doubt.

Go out and have what you deserve; love, safety, security ,friends, job, .It is there waiting for you to grab it and run.

Oodles of positive thoughts wrapped with love.

Julie x

My dad doesn't even acknowledge his abuse, let alone tell me anything like others won't believe me, he's so drunk most of the time, he barely even knows what day it is, or what time of day it is, the fear comes from the secondary abuse by the father of my best friend when I was 8 years old, he did and said things that scare the hell out of me, and anything I connect and identify, leaves me feeling fearful, even if irrational or unfounded.

It's not so much about keeping the warts, as the idea of treatment, my warts are tiny, and have never caused major problems, or ever spread to partners, when I've been in a relationship, there is always the chance because of cell changes, that treating them, can actually make them worse, they've never clustered, and treating them can cause most to disappear, but then the worst of them to cluster, and become more itchy than they have ever been, so it's the fear of treatment actually making them worse, making them more visible in places, not the idea of getting rid of them, this just makes my war with the abuse more scary, something I think I'm gonna have to discuss with my GP, personally with leaving them, they are tiny, they come and go, are less there, than they are there, and I feel more comfortable just treating the itching when they are when more stressed in general, causing cell changes with podophyllin paint can cause the warts to become permanent because of cell changes, rather than coming and going, and being very mild as they are now, I'm a firm believer, that if you leave them alone from word go, they can be far less troublesome, unless they are particularly bad and you have any permanent cluster warts from the beginning, if that were the case, my thoughts would be different, treat them the same as any other warts, if their clustered treat them but if their not, leave well alone and there's a likelihood they'll disappear by themselves, but will also return in the same places all the time. 

A bit like menstruation returns each month for most, but we don't give every person a hysterectomy to stop it, only if particularly troublesome, mine are one of those that is troublesome as menstruating causes aggravation if my warts are making a visit, as it irritates the warts, it also causes extreme pain, because I have PCOS, so am irregular and very excessively heavy, I get cramps that give me flashbacks, but that's another story, I won't go into that just yet, I'm working on that, currently my GP just prescribes Codeine Phosphate to quell the cramps and get me intoxicated, in a bid to modify the behaviour surrounding the cramps, not a very healthy way to deal with it.

It is terrifying to think how things are moving forward in comparison to how they were, and I know people are not going to reject and desert me, but it makes those thoughts no less scary.

Sometimes my logic and reasoning, just don't make sense, and I convince myself that I'm not worthy of the help, support and friendship, but I am slowly starting to accept that there are genuine people out there who do love me no matter my flaws.

Thanks, *oodles of love and hugs*

Stumpy. x 

You are a much stronger  person  than the person you were at the start of your own personal journey.

Don't worry about logic/reasoning as it will all come together when the time is right.

It is good that you acknowledge that you are with people who accept and love you unconditionally. 

The fear of the unknown is frightening but it is a journey that you will take when the time is right for you. Yes, you really have come so far and that is credit to you, along with those supporting you. 

I do hope that you have had a gentle, peaceful day and managed to contact those that you were intending to contact. 

Hope that tomorrow is another step in the right direction for you.

Love + hugs.

Julie xx

Hey Julie, I had a pretty peaceful day until now, my dad just got out of bed, I got screamed and shouted at, for trying to be helpful, like nothing I can do is right, so I just took my Beta Blockers and am gonna head to bed :)

I know my logic and reasoning will improve with time, I have text my counsellor last night, I didn't contact Helen yet, as that creepy guy was still bombarding me with messages, the admins have now intervened and closed both his accounts, so I can now contact Helen without him interrupting, so she will see my posts, it was a concern that she wouldn't see it if I were to post, with the way he was bombarding me with posts, so glad the admins finally intervened :)

Tomorrow I have been invited to join a few of my good friends down in Swansea at the drug and alcohol project, so gonna do that, maybe get a chat with one of the staff down there too, rather than needing to travel to Port Talbot to see my counsellor, he's due up to see me on Friday anyway, so will have to text Angela my tenancy support and cancel her meeting, am sure she'll understand my need for alternative support, I have to be up early to go to the chemist at 9am to pick up my script, before I get the bus, buses are on Saturday Service here, so hope to get the 9:20 bus, get to Swansea about 10:30, so the early night will be beneficial :)

*hugs*

Stumpy xxx 

Hi Ceri, I do hope that you have had a good day with your friends and received the necessary support. Great news about the stalker; Sweet Mary ; there are some peculiar folk about. At least the required action has been taken.

Yes, you are right; logic/reasoning will get back in to sync eventually. Ceri, you have so much going on so remember; little by little, day by day. Try not to feel overwhelmed by what is going on around you. It will all come right in the end. I think that the sooner you are moved and hopefully it won't be near your dad then the better. 

I truly hope that your support agencies all work together and all at once to get things moving.

Big hugs my lovely friend.

Julie 

Well my counsellor still appears to be in holiday mode, his text reply, wasn't that helpful, just basically wishing me a merry Christmas and happy new year, sometimes I think even his logic flies out the window, admittedly he's not the best with phones/technology, so I won't hold that against him, my brain also flew out the window, as it's not this Friday I see him, it's a week Friday :)

I went to Swansea, had a chat with one of the members of staff down there, but had to explain everything, as not having seen her for a while, she wasn't aware of any of my abuse, I did cry, a good thing, as usually I can't cry in front of anyone, I usually only cry alone :)

I also got to see my friends there, had a cuddle with john, who's kinda' taken me under his wing, a bit like a big brother, he used to work there too, but ended up with a drink problem of his own, so became a client, he used to be arrest refferal officer for the project, so very safe to be around, and gives an excellent cuddle and always makes sure I'm safe, even travelling part way home on the same bus if I need :)

I also had some much needed acupuncture, and relaxation time, provided by the head of the activities, who when I left came chasing me down the street to invite me to a function on new years eve for vulnerable people, nice of him, but transport on new years eve would be a problem, unfortunately.

I did contact Helen last night too to ask for her advice, and she replied this morning, so that helped a lot :)

My doctors have messed up my Ritalin script, so only got enough to last 18 days, but will deal with that when the GP surgery re-opens after new year x

Thanks, and *much love and hugs*

Stumpy. X

Flipping heck!!! Not the response that I thought that your counsellor would be offering .

The way that the days are flying by; it will be your appointment day before you know it Ceri. Don't let it drag you down. 

I was chuffed to read your status regarding opening up; even crying. It is good to release those emotions instead of letting them 'fester' as I always say. I had to learn to open up and not let things 'fester' as it can drag you down. The more you practice opening up/saying how you feel then the easier it becomes. If something/some one is bothering me then I would prefer to be open /honest say my piece and then move on. My colleagues/friends all tell me that that is what I am likeand they appreciate it, I detest people who say things behind peoples backs; that is a coward.  Why should people be prepared to give out but can't take it. I am me and you know were you are with me. I hate confrontation but I no longer hide away from it. It is one of my strengths but it was hard to adapt as I was painfully shy. Look at me and I would go red,

What a lovely man John sounds. No one is immune from mental health issues.I do hope that he reaches a really good place in his life.

Brilliant that you were invited to the New Years Eve Party. Could you not stay over with any of your friends who will be also going?

You sound like you have had an ok day. Good for you doing something for you; acupuncture.

I hope that tonight is good for you. Carry on doing nice things for you to complete your relaxation time.

Hugs ,wrapped with love

Julie x

Well a bonus tonight, I have the house to myself, lovely and peaceful my parents are at my grandfathers for tonight, so I actually feel really safe, and can have a shower in peace both tonight before bed, and in the morning if I like, their back late tomorrow afternoon/evening, so I can play relaxing music without criticism, and stay up late either watching TV or some catch up TV online too if I like, bonus, there are a few things I've been wanting to watch, that I started watching and they would turn over half way through, like mental health documentaries, that I find important and interesting in a bid to help me understand myself and behaviours better.

I also emailed the head of the activities after getting home, as he provided my acupuncture, he clearly knew I wasn't myself, but didn't know why, hence the invite to the New Year's Eve Party, so I've now explained to him in detail my position, so he is aware now of the safety issues more, and I think will be there to be more supportive if he can in future, he's always been very good in the past with understanding of my mental health, and I'm sure it's not the first time he will have come across abuse, I did advise in the email at the start, that if he's not in a good frame of mind he may want to go back to my email at a later time, as I am aware even for staff members when not prepared, it can be very triggering, as I do not know any of their previous backgrounds, other than that of my counsellor who chose to mutually exchange info on his background in a bid to gain more of my unconditional trust, I know the head of the activities has a young daughter so it may feel hurtful for him to read, as he may think about how he'd feel if it were him and his daughter, I do know they often play scenarios in their heads from every angle, so I'd feel bad if I didn't warn him of potentially triggering content.

I don't really have any friends in Swansea town area, because I live in the valleys, and despite how nice John is, it's not really appropriate for me to stay at his place, I don't really know anyone specifically going, I also already have my ticket for the show at the working men's club, my friend is coming, as per last time, and this time has threatened to tell my dad to stop if he sees him behaving inappropriately towards me, even if it means him humiliating my dad, something he wouldn't usually do, also my Nan Betty (Little old Welsh Lady 89) is also coming, so she would also not put up with my dad behaving inappropriately, also it'll be my regular taxi drivers on, on New Year's Eve, Tom & Sue, who I have confided in, and am sure if I wanted to leave early I could arrange an earlier taxi pick-up and have them either take me home, or anywhere they might suggest, that may be peaceful 

I'm sure my counsellor will be back on form when I see him, and will take the time to go through everything, and will also have my supporting letter ready too, for my housing transfer 

something I've always wanted to try because I love acupuncture so much and find it so therapeutic and relaxing, is electro acupuncture, but I've only ever seen it available in America, if I find somewhere in the UK that offers it, I'd consider saving up after my holiday to treat myself to a session, obviously it'd be something done only on a private basis because of training costs, and equipment requirements, there are a few things after my holiday I'm going to treat myself to, one is a relaxation water pool session, at a private relaxation clinic that came highly recommended by one of the local Police PCSO's, so would love to give that a go, but right now, I think a nice relaxing shower, whilst I have plenty of peace is the perfect end to my night 

*hugs, love, and positive thoughts*

Stumpy. x 

What a great post Ceri; My love, you are on the right road to a wonderful life

It is great and something that can only benefit you in sharing your past with the relevant individuals.

You are such a caring lady with so much to offer others, especially on the mentoring side. As previously mentioned, I truly believe that the best people to understand what you are going through are those who have experienced these issues/illness themselves. This group is also a great place for that.x

Are you meaning flotation tanks? My son has received a gift voucher for one ,I hate water in vast amounts so to be in a tank in darkness would freak me out..honestly

I don't have a fear of needles and despite being in nursing many moons ago, I don't like watching people have needles/acupuncture. I blame having children [4] has made me squeamish .

It is a case of go with whatever floats your boat. That is why we are called 'individuals' is it not?x

How boring we life be if we all had the same likes/dislikes?

Brilliant that you had the house to yourself. Lovely treat for you.x

The BEST thing that I find reading your post , is the fact that you are making goals for you in to next year. Amazing ,as it shows that the ball of self healing is gathering momentum.

I hope that your New Years Eve party isn't marred by your dad or of the fear/expectations that you may have. Good for your friend gathering strength to humiliate and stop your dad because he really does need stopping. I hope that he sticks to his word and doesn't then start thinking of your dads feelings /upsetting him.

Off to go to work in 25 minutes, so have a wonderful day , my lovely friend.

A little mantra that I was sent when I was hitting the ground;

Here I am 

This is me ,

I am much stronger than i ever thought that I would be.

Keep running with your positive outlook.

Hope to catch up later.

Oodles of love my amazing friend.

Julie xx