Parental Depression. Raised or raising with depression.

Hi

I don't know if I will be of any help but thought I would share my story with you.

I am the youngest of 6 children, my eldest brother being 14 yrs my senior.

We were brought up by an angry father who was very obviously unhappy most of the time. I later realised that he was depressed throughout much of his life. He went to the pub most evenings and was a dreadful womaniser.  I believe his behaviour was mostly due to the relationship he had with his Mother (but that's another story and not mine to tell . . .) His behaviour naturally had an effect on my mother who I remember being in tears a lot of the time back then.

Mum tried to protect us as best she could and would lie to us to cover my father's shortcomings.  He housed a mistress for the first 10 years of my life and would visit her twice a week.  Sometimes he wouldn't make it home before us kids were up and Mum would tell us that he had gone to work early. But we knew what was going on. The late night arguments when they assumed we were asleep pretty much told us everything. Although Mum was trying to protect us I felt like I was being treated like a fool and that she was trying to keep us in the dark. I felt like she was shutting us out and felt dreadfully sorry for her for having to cope with it all on her own.

When I was almost 28 I had children of my own. Boy/girl twins.  They were 3 years old when my sister died from alcoholic liver failure. A total shock for me and such a dreadful loss as we were very close.  I, and the rest of my family, believe that this was partly due to her rejection by my father.  She so wanted him to love her but he consistently pushed her away.  The rest of us, for the most part, gave up trying to gain his affection in order to protect ourselves  from that rejection, knowing only too well how that made us feel.

Dad felt responsible for her death. Almost 4 years after she died and 4 days before Christmas, I found him when he gassed himself in his car. My children were with me at the time but luckily I had only stopped by to deliver a card and they did not get out of my car. They were 7 years old and unlike when they were 3 I had to tell them something whilst trying to cope with the shock of it myself.  Whilst in a neighbour's house I told them that Grandad wasn't very well and that the ambulance was taking him to hospital to try and make him better. The next day I told them that the hospital couldn't make him better and he'd died.  2 years later they were starting at Middle School in the village where my father had lived.  I told them the truth about his suicide as I thought they may have found out from someone at school which would have been terrible for them.  They told me that they weren't daft had known exactly what had happened. In trying to protect them I had done exactly what my mother had done and made them feel shut out. They had never told me that they knew the truth but had spoken to each other about it and that made me feel a little better - that they'd had each other. I think it may have been overwhelming for an only child to silently cope with it alone.

I'd had suicidal thoughts of my own previous to my dad's suicide.  No more though.  I would never inflict the pain of that on any living soul. It is 'not an option' in my opinion. Finding help is the answer.

One of my brothers had always struggled with mental health issues.  The total rejection by my father at finding out he was gay hit him hard.  He attempted suicide on more than one occasion when I was a young teenager. Although we were told the truth about those events it was not a subject that was 'up for discussion'.  We were expected to just 'get on with it'. I was left bewildered at the age of 13 after finding shocking evidence of an attempt on my return from a school holiday. I loved my brother very much and felt helpless. I wanted him to be safe and could not even talk about it . . .

When my chidren were 10 years old my brother stopped taking his meds abruptly. His heart stopped. I got there too late to revive him. This time I was totally honest with them.  They loved him to bits and knew he had not 'been himself' for a while. They deserved the truth and that is what I gave them. They had the chance to speak openly about how they felt and I do feel that they coped with his death far better than if they had not been given that chance.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I believe children understand and feel so much more than some people imagine. They deserve the truth or as near to it as you can give. It's unfair to to assume that they don't dwell on things.  They may not say so, or know how to, but they do. I did. I really feel that if I had been allowed to discuss my thoughts and feelings during difficult times I would not have suffered with depression so much as I have throughout my life.

I'm currently trying to claw my way out of a depression brought on by another matter but I'm sure I'll get there soon . . .

I hope that my story and thoughts can help you in some way and am happy to talk anytime. xxxxxxx

Hi there,

I grew up in a similar sort of situation. My mother has been depressed her whole life due to childhood trauma, but had severe post natal depression after giving birth to both my older siblings and myself. After having me she had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder. She has been on antidepressants and mood stabilisers ever since. 

I too suffer from depression. My therapist say that my mother's depression while I was very young may have played a factor in this. She says young children are constantly reaching out for a reaction from the world, especially their parents. If a parent is depressed, their low mood, or unpredictable mood in the case of my mother, can significantly affect the child's development. The child may not have an adequate sense of security, or may not be getting enough attention, or may receive negative attention. This can lead to self esteem issues, commitment issues and depression later in life.

Another thing that can happen is the child can blame themselves for their parent's unhappiness. My therapist says I have perfectionism issues and a low sense of self-worth because of this.