Moving on but struggling

I have had three breakdowns and several major depressive episodes. I have only just gone down on my medication to the lowest that you can go and that is only after I had left my husband in November last year who I realised dragged me down rather than lifted me up. Yes I found someone else who matched me in more ways than he did anymore. After 26 years we met at 18 I grew apart from him and  I wanted my daughter to see a strong person not one that was constantly crying and resentful and struggling.  I was the only wage earner for 12 years and it was a struggle to manage. Everytime a job was suggested there was an excuse.  I know I will look awful in some peoples' eyes for leaving my 14 year old daughter with my husband, but she is happy with him in the house as there is more room and her friends nearby and I am only less than 10 minute walk away and she knows she can come round whenever she wants to.  That hurts me more than anything and the guilt is sometimes unbearable when I think about how I walked out on her. but we talk lots when we see each other and she confides in me etc.   I struggle to keep smiling all the time. Even though my life is 1000% better than it was. I have a partner who loves me, makes me laugh, lifts me up, we go places together even just walking is such a joy. But still there is this little bit in my head that won't let go of the sadness. I feel sometimes that I am going mad. and "pull yourself together" but ......................  

I just wanted to put it out there as the guilt eats me up sometimes and everyone says I am completely different so much happier and look more relaxed yet I feel like a swan with all calm on the outside and struggling faster and faster inside......................... 

Thank you for listening x