I don't know what to do I truely don't

I don't really know where to start, maybe there isn't a start, so I'll just blurt it all out.

I have had serious depression most of my life. It ebbs and flows but never leaves and probably never will. After the last really serious episode about 3 years ago, I have just about managed to keep it together, keep my job, keep going, keep going, keep going.

Things have been on a fairly even keel. I take lithium and anti depressants to keep things that way. It isn't foolproof and I have days, weeks even, when everything gets darker, people get scarier and I just feel like if I didn't wake up the next morning it would be ok. But mostly I've been able to fill every waking moment with something to do and go to bed exhausted so that I don't have chance to think about anything unhelpful before falling asleep.

Lately though it isn't happening. Motivation isn't there and all the old doubts and ideas are creeping slowly back in and I just feel like what's the point. Some of this is being exacerbated by a situation with my son. I've been a single parent (still am) for 24 years all of which time he has lived with me. If it weren't for his being here I would probably have been taken into psychiatric care at some point as I couldn't be left on my own. It's still not a good idea even now.

He wants to leave home - initially I was very upset but I know he has to strike out on his own at some point. I was worried because the person he wants to house share with has autism. They are very good friends but living with someone and being friends with them are two different things. Especially as my son has had problems dealing with his friend when they have had outbursts. My son also has serveral pets and the place he is moving to is much smaller. And I struggle on my own which is why I got upset initially as I wasn't sure how the hell I was going to cope.

After discussion we decided that he would move in gradually staying there 3 nights, which would give me time to get used to things and sort out what needed sorting out, him time to get used to living with his mate and not just jumping from  one 'caring' situation to another, time to sort out the pets issue and me also time to sort a couple of legalities. I had gotten used to the idea he was going and was reassured by the plan and that I had time to sort things and get my head around everything else.

Then tonight he announces that he isn't doing this, back to the original plan, and htat he never wanted to wait 3/4 more months. The mother of the other boy, who knows some of my situation but not all, has told him that the legalities don't matter we can just not tell anyone about things. He is ok to have all the pets there, cramped in cages half the size they are used to. And it obviously doesn't matter how much upset this causes me for the sake of 3/4 more months. Sometimes I think she just wants someone to be in the flat making sure her child is ok but it doesn't matter if I'm left on my own. I know they lost his night time funding for support and she is worried about her son being on his own.

As I said I know he's got to leave home at some point and I had gotten used to the idea of it happening fairly soon. But now it's gone back to NOW. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable

I can't bare this - I don't know what the hell is telling these people. His friend completely ignored me at the bus stop the other day. I noticed something that he had posted on my son's facebook page the other day too - it was a meme about horrible mothers.My son had never friended me on there as we live in the same house but my mother had written some comment on his page which showed up on my news feed and highlighted it to me (the post). My support worker tells me just to let him go as he is being awful and maybe it will be a good thing as when things do kick off with his friend as they will inevitably he'll see how silly he was. I can't let him take the animals but I can't look after them either. I am going to struggle to look after myself and hold down a job (which is getting more difficult again)

I just seem to cry all the time about stupid things. I wake up thinking oh no still here. I tell myself to snap out of it but it's creeping back in and my energy is fading fast. Everything is so dark and getting darker.