Help

Hello. I am struggling a lot at the moment. My depression seems to have reared up again while my family think that I am doing well. I cant find the words to tell them that I am not well at all. I take a lot of deep breaths while putting on my mask everyday. I am forty seven, a mother, a wife and a Montessori teacher. What have I got to complain about? My mother in law was dying for four years which was extremely stressful for our close family. My husband was unemployed for three years which has put us in to financial debts that are huge. We are trying to sell our house for a year now without any luck. The abuse that I went through as a child for many years has rendered me practically housebound at the moment. How do I start the new term in September?I have had medical help but I am waiting for months on the counselling that I desperately need. I have nearly lost my life twice because of it. On Friday I had very strong urges to cut my hair and myself which terrifies me as I have never had these thought before now. Add these to my suicidal ideation and I am feeling so alone even though I am not alone. How do I tell my family when they think Im fine. My husband suspects It but seems too afraid to give it words too. He keeps telling me how proud of me he is to have come out the other side. I feel helpless.