Am i going mad

Hi Deb + Welcome to the group. 

It was so sad reading what you are going through and have gone through. My brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at 18. As his younger sister I used to be terrified at times at his erratic behaviour. My parents were both psychiatric nurses at a near by large psychiatric hospital. As a child ,we seemed to spend a lot of time there either waiting for the cross over of shifts [my parents worked opposite shifts] or a 'visitors' c/o my mum taking us in to the wards to chat to patients. I was a shy child and so found this part hard. Looking back , I am grateful as it made me realize that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of ;nor is it the persons choice . They are ill. I actually went in to nursing but general not psychiatric.

Please don't be offended but what is it that you would want your sons partner to say to you?

What is it that you need to hear in order for you to get that 'inner peace' that you are searching for?

Do you feel guilty about your sons actions? 

Mental Illness is so cruel as logic/reasoning flies out of the window. Please so not blame yourself for something that was taken completely out of your control.

I went through a phase of visiting spiritualists ; I wanted to hear that I would eventually have a girl although at the time I just felt I wanted to know my future and hear only positives things. I was actually told that I would have a girl but it never happened . 

I do believe that when we lose close ones that they never leave us but walk beside us. I also believe that they hear what we say; they can never return. Try and get comfort from talking to her, please don't waste your money on spiritualists. No 'spirit' can come on demand so you may be setting yourself up to be so disappointed.

What has happened that wants you to take your own life?

You couldn't have done anything to prevent it.

When a friend committed suicide , I constantly questioned myself; as did others as to what I could have done, if anything to prevent it.  The answer was staring us all in the face...nothing. She was so ill inside but couldn't reach out and ask for help.

Please, please don't feel like me and thousands of other people who feel the same on the untimely death of others. I am sure that she wouldn't wish for you to be feeling like you are; she would want you to love, cherish and be there for her sons; your grandsons.

Let her love, guidance and well being live on through you and pass it on to her sons. I am sure that if she were here to tell you what she would want then that would be her lasting wish.

There must come a time when you have to channel your thoughts in to positive ones ; let go of those dragging you down and replace them with a life ; a life that your sons partner would want you to have. She wouldn't want your sons actions to mar your life. 

I am here if you wish to chat or send me a private message.

Deb ; all of this was out of your control. The ones suffering are the boys and you; your sons partner is at peace and your son will have to live with his actions. The time to let go is now; you have suffered such intense sadness for long enough.x

Let go of the guilt; fight to find that inner strength and focus it all on yourself and your grandsons. When ill, all logic does fly out of the window but please put yourself in your grandsons shoes; they need you as they have lost so much already. Focus on building positive memories ..for you all.

You are the most important person here .

Gentle hugs. 

Julie xxx

Hi Deb,

Julie is right, it almost feels like you're trying to punish yourself for your son's actions, please stop to spare a thought for your son, he has to live with the thoughts of what he's done, I'm sure he's feeling immense guilt for his illness having taken away so much of his logic, that he hurt the person closest to him, and the mother of his children.

Please stop to take a breath, just think about your breathing for a few minutes, and on exhale think about the way you can reach out to your grandson's as they truly will need you, more than you'll ever know, they are the ones that your thoughts should be with, along with your son's partners family, and friends.

I'm sure you know that you are also important, and that spiritualists may not be the answer you need, or are looking for, stop and think about how you will feel if they do not give you the answers you are looking for, think about the money, you may be spending on the spiritualist, and consider where it may be in future better placed, to help your grandsons, to pay for school supplies, or treats they may not otherwise have, to put aside until they come of age to learn to drive, or even for right now, to pay for bereavement counselling for yourself or your grandsons, the list is endless, I'm not saying don't see a spiritualist, but don't let spiritualism overwhelm you

It may feel now that you want to die, but that feeling will pass, please try to believe it, when you find your purpose, whether it be, to pass on your love, the knowledge you have gained about how important it is to get treatment for mental health, before it is too late, or to take care of your grandsons and their needs, or to learn the counselling skills to help others in a similar situation in future, to what you have been through, there is never anyone better than those who have been there, and lived it, your knowledge could be so valuable to others, without you even realising, you're still here, trust that there is a reason for that.

What happened was truly out of your control, and you have no reason to feel any guilt, you're a very strong person, to have coped this long, through all of this, try to reach through to your logical brain, and regain some calm, you can keep going, I believe in you, as do others here, maybe think about positive past and future memories, create a positive memories book, or photo album

*Hugs, gently wrapped with oodles of positivity and Love*

Stumpy. x x x