Depression and sex drive

I’m so glad someone has brought this up. It’s been a long time for me (6 years, 7 months... frustrated? Counting? Who me?)

It took me 4+ years to raise this with my consultant psychiatrist out of embarrassment. (I know, I’m a grown arsed woman, 5 pregnancies). And you know what, she made me feel ashamed for asking. I just (much practiced) casually said as an aside that another of my side effects was low libido, it had been years and her response was, “well that’s the least of your worries, isn’t it?” I was well over 40 but sat squirming and red faced and wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Of course, being actively suicidal and everything else a major depressive illness incurs it would have been - and was - the least of my worries. But, I was steady on long term meds and plodding along at this point. It wasn’t a subject (still isn’t) at the forefront of my mind but every now and then, prompted by tv/film or books where they’re all permanently ‘at it’, I do consider if I’m normal. My longterm companion (it’s incongruent to call him my boyfriend or lover after all) complicates matters. In the early days, my lack of intimacy affected the relationship. However, there’s been a complete reversal in the past 6 years (7 months etc) his own physical and mental health has deteriatered. Furthermore, all of the historical child abuse cases coming out in the media has brought his own childhood reality, which he’d buried, back to him. He is suffering with PTSD and if I even lay a hand on his arm he flinches now.

So, I’m in a situation where I’m in a long term relationship without any sort of intimacy. I’m coming back from this enforced libido prison and though  not craving sex, I’d take a kiss and a cuddle, but it would make me feel like I’m fully coming back to life. Yet, I’ve got no chance. I’d rather have the non existent libido than exist in this limbo, to be honest.

I really wish sex wasn’t so dominant in tv/film and books/magazines because it makes me feel like a freak because it’s such an alien concept to me.  I do think it’s so bloody over-rated in the media and ruins perfectly good storylines, they don’t leave anything to our imagination anymore. We have to endure full on sex scenes. I digress: that’s a whole separate thread, really, which deviates from the fact that I’m not getting any action and won’t be in the foreseeable!

My sex drive has also taken a nose dive, my last wife just added to my PTSD, and left me in debt. I got married to a Filipino 3 years ago in the Philippines, who now is in the UK with me. Though she is really pretty and 11 years my junior, me being 65 now, her sex drive is low, which makes that part of our relationship ok. I have been having hard to cope with symptoms for a while and my wife helps me a lot with my everyday needs. I am looking forward to my retirement in January next year, as then I won't have to deal with the DWP. I got PIP as my interviewer was a mental nurse and she understood as to what I was going through. I had to appeal for my second PIP assessment, but my mental nurse from the NHS wrote them a letter, and I didn't have to go to appeal, it was reinstated. I have ESA in the support group, I even had to appeal for that  after my incapacity was stopped. Just because you look healthy, people cannot see how hard these things are inside, how you have to fight to attend these assessments, yet you don't want to talk to the person. Some years back I had an incapacity assessment, and I had a panic attack, and ran from the interviewers room, it just carried on my benefit. The assessors only see what they wanted to see, which is all wrong. Mental health is the worst thing as it effects every part of your life, and you never know how unbearable it is going to be, everyday you are fighting to keep alive. People don't realise how lonely you are on the inside, whilst on the outside you look like you are coping. We all need someone to talk to, but I find most people love to talk about themselves, which doesn't help. I am lucky with the wife, but I feel their should be people that you can talk to that listen to you, and not put them selves as the one we should listen to instead. Well I have my beef, I hope it helps and thanks for reading 

PG xxx 

@Stumpy @WinterSky @paulg54 Thank you all for sharing your stories, it isn't easy to juggle mental illness and the pressures to be intimate.

Do you feel the diminished sex drive is due to medication or the general symptom of your mental illness?

To answer your questions @Josephine I’m not sure. It’s catch 22.

Been on the little Anti's now for over 20 years... My sex drive has always been high. But, the first 12 months of taking them I actually lost some interest (To a degree)...Sexual feelings/drive/lust/cravings are another subject tbh. If you are cursed with a very high sex drive there is nothing that will tame this beast (Frustration). Oh, and just for the record I love females of the ages that are legal! ... I actually prefer older women re their life experiences...Anyway, is this thread about antidepressants and sex drive? ...Something to take on board peeps x

Hi, everyone, I am really stressed today as I am having to make a phone call to DWP for a universal credit appointment, and another to a mental health charity as I need help with the council. I just can't bare making phone calls as you are never in control of what the questions will be or the outcome. I will keep you posted on how these turn out.

Paul

hi, i hope it's not too late to comment on this, but i'm having a hard time with this too. i know intimacy is so important in a couple and being connected emotionally with my SO could really help keep me centred, but i'm just too low to handle it all. i don't feel good about myself and i can't see my SO wanting anything to do with me like this. is there anything we can do for this?