Childhood Sexual Abuse, and Sexual Favours

I do hope that you have benefited from having a laugh? A good belly laugh is what you need my sweet. 

I have now used all my support work holidays up and so it is back to work properly for me today

As much as I love/enjoy my job, it would be great to win the lottery...not that I even do the lottery and so the chances of winning are zero. Not having to wake up and think;"What day is it today or Where I am working today?

Have a good day; keep smiling 

Julie 

Aww gutted you have to be back in work today, but also envious of the routine it creates, I don't have that yet, although I try to create a routine within all the support groups I go to, I can never guarantee things are going to go to plan, I did have an amazing laugh yesterday, and without my parents home, slept amazingly well with the peace and quiet :)

I think we'd all love to win the lottery, but alas I'm yet another with zero chances, as I too don't play it, I'd sooner put the money spent to play in a jar, if I was going to and at the end of the year I'd have a nice pot of money to treat myself with, used to do that with one of my ex partners, one of the best I was ever with, if only he hadn't cheated on me, I was so comfortable with him that we were even engaged, and he went and destroyed it, but am sure eventually I'll find happiness despite my hang-ups because of the abuse.

I'm not even sure what kind of day, today is, I'm awake, but still haven't moved from my bed, it's so peaceful and comfy with no one else around, weather outside looks bleak, and there is nowhere much to go now until New Year's Eve, and then until the 3rd onwards, all this time with everywhere locally closed or still on holiday, is becoming, decidedly boring, I can't wait for things to start getting back to normal :)

Have a good day at work, I know probably easier said than done, and I will keep smiling, my dad just rung him and my mum are picking me up about 1:15 to go to the pub where my friends work, so hopefully I'll get a beef  baguette, I love it there, and there'll be no funny business from my dad, as Steph, Paul and their daughter Katie wouldn't stand for it, they'd throw him out, so I guess that's a good start to them being back, then it's just staying out of the way later, may even go down my friends :)

Stumpy X

Work was ok. The person whom I support with has learning difficulties along with him abusing alcohol. It is so sad as he is a lovely man but he won't accept how ill he is. He just adds lip sync but I still do my best to motivate him. I am with him again tomorrow and we are planning on going to the sales

My resolution for him in 2017 is to get him cooking meals from scratch. I haven't been supporting him for too long but I appear to be able to motivate him more than others. He has a lot of issues from his childhood including being the only one out of his siblings to be put in to care. He has so much to offer. If he could surround himself with positive people then he may stand a chance.

Ceri, you will get in to a routine ,I don't doubt it. Continue with your goals and you will get there.

You will find someone who loves you for you. It was sad to read about your ex cheating as you know my ex cheated for 3 years following 30 years of marriage. What he did/still does goes against everything he preached about... Family life etc.

He is a hypocrite and a coward who still hides away from us all.

I hope that you have a good evening including having a laugh.

Oodles of love.

Julie x

Well I enjoyed at the pub, got my J2O's and Beef Baguette, last time going before they close for refurbishment, they'll be closed for 2 months, Paul and Steph were supposed to be going on holiday, whilst the refurb took place, but Steph has been in the hospital, had to have gaul stones surgically removed as they were blocking her bile duct, so unfortunately they've had to cancel their holiday, as Steph is not allowed to fly for 5 weeks, and they were unable to postpone their holiday, so really gutted for them, their such great people and the type that will look after their customers, they'll never serve someone who is drunk, won't tolerate any form of inappropriate behaviour, from fighting, to sexual, or even unnecessary swearing and profanity

Since I got back I've been in the corner, hiding away, no contact from my friend, I'm not sure if he's gone with his mum to London today, to visit his aunt, have felt kind of lonely today, no support services open after 1pm, so I'm now left with here, or other forums, along with the samaritans if I start to feel too low, until after new year is over, things start getting back to normal from the 3rd, I know it's only 5 days, but even that feels hard to tolerate being stuck with no services open, I may see if any of my friends want to just meet up in town tomorrow, try to at least get some time away from here

The guy you are supporting sounds quite challenging, by adding lip sync, I'm assuming you mean he argues, making excuses for his behaviour, or reasons to drink, so the answer to this would be to find the opposite, have him write a list of reasons or help him to do so if necessary, that he may believe are positive, and then add in the opposite negatives, hopefully the list of negatives will be larger than the positives, set small goals of cutting down the amount he drinks very slowly, give him something positive to focus on instead of alcohol, let him know if there is something bothering him in particular, that you are there, maybe not so much to talk, just to listen, if he needs. I've learnt a lot from Huw, my counsellor, he is my drug and alcohol counsellor, I think I probably listen more, and accept his advice more because he's been there, he was an alcoholic, and addict, and has lots of ancient criminal convictions due to that, is there another organisation with someone like that, who may have better results with the drinking? so you can focus more on the personal independence and learning difficulties? Shopping sounds like a good start, a good distraction, perhaps helping him to buy something rewarding for himself instead of alcohol?

It can also help to find common ground, is there an interest that you can share without it being considered inappropriate, computers? mobile phones? animals? finding common ground can help you build further trust, and lead to conversations surrounding this guys drinking that you may not otherwise be able to have, there is also always the asking him at the end of your support session if there is anything else he'd like to talk about, and just give a pause, sit for five minutes just to see if he offers anything more in that silent gap, that could get more to the root of his drinking, and maybe find a way to help him stop, or at least cut down? I truly hope he does cut down or stop, as he sounds like a nice guy  

I'm not looking for love, or a relationship, and am sure it will happen when the time is right, I know I will eventually get into a better more positive routine, when I start my volunteering, something I intend to use as a positive distraction when I report my abuse 

*Lots of Love Light & Hugs*

Stumpy. x

Hi Stumpy, Thanks for your post.

What I meant by 'lip sync' is that the person in question ,as is a common factor in someone who really hasn't /doesn't want to accept that they have a problem 100% was that  they  will tell you what they think is 'what you want to hear' . I already know that he won't ever get to were he could be.. a better place.

He has had so many opportunities but doesn't embrace them. He has no self esteem, his girlfriend who is 20 years older is very controlling. Management have had to have words with her over the years. She would send me in to a spiral of depression/alcohol. 

At the end of the day; the only one he is fooling and letting down is himself.

He has attended so many drink related agencies. Staff  have helped him in to rehab ;sadly all to no avail. I will always support him but at the end of the day the choice is his; no one can do it for him.

It is sad to watch him as he could have a better life. He is in such a vicious cycle but like the counsellors tell him; they can only do so much and not to just agree with all that they say. When he is making out that 'he finds it easy cutting down ; when in fact if it was that easy then he wouldn't be an alcoholic. His circle of 'friends' aren't beneficial for him.

Us support workers all go above and beyond to help him get out and about/ have hobbies but he finds excuses [ he is a serial 'virus sufferer] .This has been going on for years now.

It is frustrating but as stated; you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.Sadly. 

He isn't violent/ abusive and we do have a good relationship , perhaps because he knows that I was diagnosed with anxiety depression.. 

 I firmly believe that until you acknowledge, accept and embrace 100% then you will remain in denial and so not recover and get to a better place.

I wasn't looking for romance/ love etc but I have found it. I feel truly blessed.

There is no reason why the same won't happen for you. I am so proud of you reading your posts. 

You deserve love, laughter and true happiness in your life. You have been through so much and have continued to fight on for that better life.

Hope to chat soon.

Julie  with oodles of love as usual. xxxx

So he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, instead of the truth, a bit like my best friend/ex does with his counsellor, making most sessions pointless, hence the need to find common ground, I have more influence with my ex than his counsellor due to common ground, tell him you can smell bullshit a mile away, and that if and when he feels ready to be honest, and wants to help himself that you're there, such a shame he doesn't seem to want to open up and reach for that better life yet. x

I will find love when the time is right, am off out tonight, but I don't drink, only juice, or lime & lemonade, I hope my dad behaves better tonight than he did Christmas Eve, tomorrow is the day I dread most, as it's the day everyone are getting over their alcohol binging whilst I'm still sober, so may go out for a walk tomorrow :)

Anyway my taxi is due in 5 mins so will chat more soon :)

*oodles and oodles of love, and hugs, hope you enjoy the New Year*

Stumpy. Xxx

Haha; I would probably lose my job if I told him that. I may be thinking it but I couldn't say it although I have told him to be honest; he still tells his counsellor porkies and thinks that she believes him.She has also told him to be truthful with her. She had alcohol issues when younger so she isn't as green as he thinks.

Yes, it is really frustrating as he could have a good life. Staff really have gone above and aboard to motivate him but he is in denial and looking back to the measures taken and the outcome/excuses I very much doubt that he will ever change for the better; which is sad but his choice.

He isn't fooling anybody but himself. I will continue trying to get him to a better place ; although I find it even more frustrating that their are people out there who are struggling to get support as they really want to do it for themselves and they are the ones missing out.

I was working yesterday and so didn't go out. I do like a glass of something bubbly but I also enjoy soda and lime.

There is nothing worse than observing idiots who have had too much to drink when you are stone cold sober..through choice in my case. I don't like the feeling of having too much alcohol. The thought of the hangover fills me with horror. My ex sister in law hadn't had a good night if she hadn't vomited!!!! She even once bragged about vomiting in to her boots. A real classy bird if ever there is one....Not

How did your evening out go?

Hope to hear from you soon.

Peace, love + light my dear friend.

Julie xxxx

My evening last night actually went decidedly well, I did actually enjoy, miraculously, my dad wasn't anywhere near as drunk as he normally is on New Year, the closest he came was a leaning cuddle, slightly squashing my boobs, and tried for a kiss, but I turned my head away, a peck on the cheek maybe, but a kiss no, and a hand did wander behind me and clutch and squeeze in between my butt and my snatch, but at least nobody noticed, nowhere near as humiliating as Christmas Eve, thank god.

He was rather abrupt and repetitive and annoying after getting back, and seemed as if he was pretending to be more drunk than he was, just to annoy me and make me feel bad, but it didn't work, I just went into hyper focus trying to get the new android box I bought for him to watch films on to work the way it's supposed to, and now finally after spending all night trying, I finally have figured it out, it's done, working fully, so finally at least if he can get into watching films, then perhaps I can get a little more peace and space 

I spent until about 1:30pm in bed today, as it was raining , and I didn't go to bed until nearly 9am, at least last night and through to this morning was peaceful 

Haha your sister reminds me of one of my mum's old work colleagues, who once drank brandy from inside her stiletto heel shoe PMSL 

I'm actually dreading tonight more, feeling nervous, I'm due out in less than 40 mins, not sure what taxi driver will be working today, and nothing on at the Working Men's Club, just going down to renew membership, will see the club treasurer, who is also the clerk at my solicitor's office, a great guy who has helped me lots in the past, so hoping my dad behaves himself, it'll be very quiet there, giving him more opportunity to behave inappropriately, I might try to put some distance, although I don't want others there realising how I feel and becoming confrontational, so kind of awkward, but have had no other opportunity to get out today, as it's been raining all day, so at least it'll be a break from the same 4 walls 

I see my Anger Management Support Worker on Tuesday, so only one more day stuck in during the day, with no buses, then at least I can get back out and start enjoying, at least during the day time, so hopefully that'll make a big difference to my mood, she doesn't know yet about my dad's recent sexual advances, I didn't want to tell her by text, I'd rather tell her about it properly when I see her, so she can see the anger linked to that, and help me address it, and channel it properly 

*Oddles of Peace, Love & Hugs*

Stumpy. xxx

Sorry for late reply as I have just logged on again. How did your evening go? We'll done for staying in control regarding your dad. I do think that it will be a real benefit for you once your anger management support worker has been told about the abuse , along with the fact that it isn't ideal that your dad is still acting very inappropriately. It must be so hard controlling yourself as I would want blood. Hope that you have a better day tomorrow. My son returns back to Manchester where he lives/ works in Law. It has been lovely having him home for Christmas. We don't see him very much due to his work. His girlfriend came for tea tonight; she is lovely . My youngest son is here until halfway through Jan before he returns to University. Oodles of hugs + love  Julie  xxx

No need to apologise for late reply, I walked down the club, because they sent my dad's friend who I'm not comfortable with, and won't get in the taxi with, but I got the taxi back, as they, I mean the taxi driver, and telling the other drivers/seeing I was out, and realising my vulnerability, they sent me a taxi driver who is one of the good ones, for coming back  

Although tonight initially feeling awkward when going out, I did feel ok in the company of my friends at the club, more there than expected, so nothing real bad tonight, other than the uncomfortableness of having to walk down alone in the dark, so I guess it was a nice break without feeling too uncomfortable  x

Tomorrow is bank Holiday, so nothing open, no shops, or café's, no support services, I really hope it's not raining, as I've really missed getting out even if just for a walk during the day

My Anger Management Support Worker knows about my abuse, just not my dads recent sexual advances/inappropriate behaviour towards me, I think she like everybody else will be annoyed with him, I only control myself through fear of killing him, if I were to attack him, he's not the hard man he once was, he's just a skeleton of his former self, he can no longer digest food, through his alcoholism, and has been vomiting tonight, so I truly believe his alcoholism is becoming end stage, part of me grieves, as part of me still loves him, as he's still my dad despite his behaviour, but part of me thinks he deserves it, and wishes if he's gonna make my family watch and suffer as he kills himself through alcohol, then I wish he'd hurry up and die

I've had some flashbacks bothering me again recently of my abuse, and tried to tell my mum of what I saw, but she appeared to have very little reaction, considering the graphic nature, I was quite shocked, but perhaps I shouldn't be, considering her already cold reaction to what my dad did to me as a child, but this was the guy down the street, the second incident, I wrote about in my profile, I thought she'd have shown some kind of shock or repulsion, but nothing, really strange, like she's become emotionless, she's not my mum anymore, I don't know how to reach her, there is no emotion

I also asked Helen the retired OT yesterday about feelings of arousal that I felt are inappropriate, due to some of the flashbacks, and she gave me the advice of talking with my counsellor to see if he can help me unwire my reactions, or if not suggested it may be beneficial for me to see a psychologist, so at least that gives me a little hope that I'm not completely crazy for those thoughts of arousal  there is light at the end of the tunnel 

I'm hoping on Tuesday for an email reply from the manager of the activities, at the drug and alcohol project, I don't think he was in work after I emailed him on Wednesday evening, think he must have had Thursday and Friday off, or am sure he'd have replied already.

Sounds like you've been enjoying having you're son's down, their so lucky they have a caring mum

*Oodles of Love & Hugs*

Stumpy. x