Attachment disorders: How do they affect our interpersonal relationships?

What is an attachment disorder?

An attachment disorder is a reactive condition, meaning it involves emotional and behavioural disturbances. It originates in early childhood when a child's basic needs are not adequately met.

Children have fundamental needs that require parental attention. When these needs go unfulfilled, a child is more likely to develop an attachment disorder, impacting their behaviour and relationships throughout life.

In a supportive and caring family environment, a child is more likely to develop a healthy and balanced relational framework, free from attachment disorders.

Conversely, in an insecure family atmosphere, a child may develop a dysfunctional attachment style, which can affect their emotional development and ability to form social bonds.

Attachment disorders manifest differently from one individual to another. Identifying their causes and underlying mechanisms is the first step toward healing past wounds.

According to John Bowlby’s theory, there are four types of attachment.

What are the four attachment styles?

Secure Attachment

“Secure” attachment develops when a caregiver is attentive and responsive to the child’s needs. This caring, structured environment encourages the child to explore with a sense of security.

In this supportive environment, the child can connect with others easily, trusting that their caregiver will be there if needed.

As an adult, they form healthy, fulfilling relationships and can regulate both positive and negative emotions. They have no irrational fears about others and approach relationships with confidence. They are aware of their own worth and have healthy self-esteem.

Avoidant Insecure Attachment

This attachment style develops when a child cannot express their emotions freely. The caregiver is not necessarily abusive but tends to be unavailable, indifferent, or even hostile when the child expresses needs, leading to an emotional void.

Faced with indifference, rejection, or punishment, the child suppresses attachment behaviours as a defence mechanism, aiming to avoid negative reactions from their caregiver.

An avoidant child may appear independent. However, they are aware of their caregiver’s unavailability and experience significant distress. During separations, they show no visible distress, yet their cortisol (stress hormone) levels are high, revealing their true emotional state.

As adults, they maintain this coping style, keeping others at arm's length. They often display a strong need for autonomy and are less sensitive to others' emotions and needs.

A person with an avoidant attachment style often exhibits one or more of the following traits:

• A distant or even dismissive attitude
• A lack of empathy
• Difficulty committing or becoming close to others
• Emotional suppression, with minimal display of feelings
• Difficulty sharing personal details
• A strong sense of self-sufficiency, feeling they don’t need others

Despite mostly being unaware, individuals with avoidant attachment styles have a deep need for connection. They may gravitate toward people who are naturally more giving, with little expectation of reciprocation.

Anxious-Ambivalent Insecure Attachment

This attachment style develops when the caregiver's responses are inconsistent, with the same behaviour from the child sometimes met with enthusiasm and other times with hostility. The parent-child relationship thus becomes erratic.

The child is unsure how to behave to gain the caregiver’s approval, creating insecurity and anxiety. They may try even harder to please their caregiver, seeking the attention they require, which over time fosters a desperate neediness. If unsuccessful, they may conclude that they are undeserving of affection, leading to low self-esteem.

As adults, they carry this anxiety, leading to intense fear of abandonment and emotional dependency. Their relationships are often chaotic, marked by anxiety and frustration.

Disorganized (or Disoriented) Insecure Attachment

This attachment style typically arises in response to traumatic events, such as sexual abuse, physical or psychological violence, and similar experiences. Emotional neglect is also often prevalent. The caregiver is unavailable to the child, displaying emotional instability and unpredictability in their responses.

The child becomes deeply confused, unable to adapt their behaviour because of the high levels of threat and inconsistency in their environment. As a result, the child may become emotionally unstable as well, losing touch with their emotions and becoming unpredictable, vacillating between silence and intense anger.

Over time, the child may develop various survival strategies to cope with their fear and anxiety. They might adopt a nearly tyrannical level of control over their caregiver or other adults, or, conversely, become highly protective and nurturing toward those around them. By adopting one of these roles, they regain a sense of control, no longer feeling like a victim but instead becoming either the oppressor or the rescuer.

As adults, they may struggle with extreme swings between rejecting others and wanting closeness, often accompanied by high levels of anxiety and mistrust. They may have very low self-esteem, and their intense fear of rejection makes connecting with others especially challenging. Adults with disorganized attachment tend to withdraw from relationships, avoiding closeness.

Managing emotions is particularly difficult, often leading them to disconnect from themselves and their feelings. In romantic relationships, their behaviour is highly erratic and chaotic.

Key takeaways

For those with insecure attachment styles, it is possible to work on relational patterns to foster more fulfilling relationships. Treatment generally includes therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or attachment-based therapy, to explore the roots of relational fears, understand emotional reactions, and learn new ways of connecting. With the help of a professional, it’s possible to build a stronger sense of emotional security, paving the way for healthier and more balanced interactions.

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