Childhood Sexual Abuse, and Sexual Favours

Brilliant that you are getting all your 'vices' in place. The more support you have then the better for you personally.

I totally agree with you not saying anything to your tenancy worker. She doesn't need to know.

Blimey, your flat sounds like it would be better if it was totally gutted of knocked down and started again.  Money would be better spent doing that than 'fix it' patch ups.

Stick with it , it all sounds like your life will be getting better soon and then you can really get to a better place for you.

Yes, you are probably right regarding the refuge but as you stated ;if there is back up/support then that can be a real bonus.

You do sound as if you are feeling stronger than previously and no doubt it has taken a long time for you to get to this stage, but the important thing is that you are at this stage.

I am so envious of your forthcoming jolly..

Hope that today is gentle for you.

Oodles + noodles of love, wrapped in spaghetti.

Julie

My flat would be far better off if it were raised to the ground, but I'm not sure my neighbours above would agree 

Everyone keep asking me to pack them in my suitcase for my holiday 

Today is an amazing day I'm out in Swansea with a group of my best friends, we've just been to our favourite veggie friendly restaurant as we have 2 veggies among us, food here is nice, despite being veggie only, and then we're off to the cinema, so am looking forward to that 

Thanks for the noodles of love wrapped in spaghetti, lol that made me laugh 

*Oodles & noodles of hugs, wrapped in Spaghetti, and Love piled with icecream*

Stumpy. XxxXxxX 

I spent time with my best friends today, I went to Swansea to Govindas Vegetarian and Vegan Cafe, had a Chilli Cheese Burger and Chips, and then went to the cinema to watch A Monster Calls, (hence being tearful as posted on my other post)

I didn't expect it to be such an intense story, it's about bereavement, and how a young boys dreams of a Yew Tree Monster that calls, to help him through the death of his mother to Cancer, and his destructive behaviour, due to his love for his mum. 

It actually made me feel emotional because I feel cheated, as I feel like I don't and won't ever have that bond with any family member, it felt hurtful, my childhood was robbed, and I watch my disgusting dad who I feel sicker and sicker of the sight of, slowly kill himself through his alcoholism, and gradually love my mum less and less as time goes by and I can't get the answers I feel I need from her, I cried after the film and feel closer to my friends who bring me comfort, and a hug when I cry, than I ever will my family. xxx

*Love & Hugs*

Stumpy. xx 

Sending you hugs . My heart goes out to you.. Please don't go to bed feeling upset though. You have come so ,so far in the short time that we have been in touch.

I have seen the film advertised and hope that the service users don't want to go and see it as I will have to go with them. I don't like sad films at the best of times but with my partner being terminally ill . it is a little too close to home. I understand the need for all the cancer adverts but to us , it is a constant reminder of his illness. I can't even watch 'Marley + Me ' as we have always had Labradors and our dog now is a Labrador. It is too upsetting for me.

Go to bed reminding yourself how strong you have been and now you are emerging out of the other side with new beginnings on the horizon.

Feel the love of your friends + from me; wrap yourself in those thoughts instead of sad ones.

Love + light my lovely strong friend.

Julie xxxxxxxxxxx

I really wouldn't recommend the film for anyone who struggles with anything emotionally, it was a hard film to watch, I won't go to bed upset, my friends are fabulous, as are you my wonderful friend, I think I'm finding the idea of having to contact the Community Drug and Alcohol Team CPN/AMHP/Social Worker, harder, I know Huw my counsellor wants me to have that support and security when I go to make my report, but Jon, the CPN doesn't even know yet, he's just yet another person to have to explain things to, although I think I understand why he made the suggestion, as I think he's worried because of my hyperactivity that the police will not take me seriously, and that Jon will be able to help, I know Jon got the ball rolling with first getting the details of my flashbacks out, because of the abuse by the guy down the street, but I haven't seen him in a long time, and just the thought sends my nerves on edge

I'm trying to focus on the new found freedom I'll have, but as the time inches ever closer my nerves are rattling like crazy, and tomorrow yet again is my worst day, Sunday, although I didn't take any Diazepam on Friday, so I can take 2 now, and take 2 more tomorrow if I need to, I may well go out for a walk tomorrow, try to clear my head a little, go to my favourite river in the next town, I find it relaxing, it helps to rationalise my thoughts

I'll likely sit in town on a bench for a while, if it's not raining, watch the world go by, I'm being as strong as I can be, quite often others will join me to talk on the bench, and my mood will improve, more, easing my nervousness, and I'll start feeling some more positivity, I suppose I should start thinking in the next few days about starting to pack my suitcase ready for the 17th

*Hugs, Love and Light, wrapped gently with a sleepy Smile*

Stumpy. xXxXx 

I used to cry at 'Pet Rescue' many moons ago. Anything involving cruelty to animals upsets me; probably because they don't get the chance to stick up for themselves. 

There is nothing that I enjoy more than sitting and watching people. I could do it as a job. I find it relaxing sitting in a quiet place and emptying my mind of everything and basically thinking of 'nothing'. 

Yes, I can understand the mammoth task you face having to tell yet another person of your abuse but look at it on the flip side; the more support on a professional level the better outcome for you. Stay strong lovely lady. You are doing so well remaining focused on the future. xx

It is totally understandable that you are feeling apprehensive regarding the forthcoming new found freedom. It is facing the unknown; something that we all face at some time or other in our lives.

Remember; one step at a time. 

Take a day at a time so as not to overwhelm yourself. You will get through it, you are strong. believe in yourself. You won't be alone which can only be a positive.

On my solicitors appointments, I actually took a male work colleague who worked in Social Services and was a qualified Solicitor. I can remember telling him that 'he could chip in if he wanted to' He would mention some things but just knowing that he was there for me and for a good/right outcome for me was brilliant.

You will feel so empowered and proud of yourself ;as you should be now. I look back occasionally and can't believe how far I have come and yes, I am proud of myself. Yes, you are strong but speaking from my own personal experience you don't realize just how strong you are . You will in time; Believe it.

I still have low days and no doubt you will but who doesn't? They aren't anywhere as bad as they were at the height of my anxiety depression. I now say that 'I am just fed up' as they aren't raw or intense anymore; unless I waste my energy getting angry about my now ex.

It's drizzly here today. 

Hope that you manage to have a productive day out and about.

Whopping big cuddles just for you c/o email.

Julie xxxx

Drizzly here today too, so not able to get out today, I'm literally living minute by minute right now, trying not even to focus more than a few minutes ahead at a time, I love sitting watching the world go by, but tomorrow I go to Mind, one of the safest places in the world, I'm gonna miss everyone there when I move, as I'll be too far outside of county to continue to go there, although I'll stay in touch with a lot of them and meet them somewhere else 

I cry watching films like Free Willy, and Homeward Bound, and anything with animal cruelty, as well as bereavement scenes, and scenes depicting mental health, especially if portrayed really well, it's not so much the initial thought of telling Jon about my abuse, it's his reaction and how I will react to that, that bothers me the most, he's a huge guy, and when I say huge, I mean in every way, but he's like the cuddliest monster on this earth, I know just like Huw my counsellor, his first reaction will be anger, then crying, and when guys start crying, that really sets me off, I'll blubber like a baby, and crying makes me really self conscious, just incase too many others see or notice, people are usually used to seeing this really strong person, and then all of a sudden I become a blubbering baby, I think I'll need more elastics for that day, to at least help me get calm and courage enough to walk through the door to see Jon, and I think getting me in the Police Station to make the report will be almost impossible, unless Jon can get them to do it somewhere else, maybe, that could be another reason Huw suggested I ask Jon's help, as Police Stations are usually places I associate with negativity, and having done something wrong, or being mentally unwell, and detained, so is one thing I really fear

I still don't have a lot of self belief, but have Huw, Sarah, and will likely have Jon too, to keep reminding me, that their proud of me, and maybe one day I will start to believe it, I think having bad days is normal sometimes, especially when the weather is miserable, and there is no public transport, hopefully when I move I won't have that problem, I'll be close enough to walk to town, and being a larger town, there are buses there on a Sunday, and there is also the train station there, so I can always get out and meet with all my friends

*Hugs & Squishes, wrapped gently with Love in a warm cuddly blanket*

Stumpy. xxxx   

Dear Lord, Yet again I have fallen asleep on the sofa. I do it every time that the log burner has been lit, along with candles . It didn't help that my 21 year old went out along with 20 of his mates all dressed up as Priests ,celebrating his 21 st. They looked so funny walking down the road last night. I was woken up at 3.30 am when 2 of them came home. They weren't noisy but at 5.30 am I was awoken at 5.30 by a gentle tapping on the front door. It was one of his Uni friends who was due to stay over. I was in work at 7.10 am .

Gosh, I was surprised by Jon's open display of emotions. I agree that feeling upset etc at a revelation but I am not sure about him crying . I have never come across 'staff' being openly emotional and one of the things that we are taught is to remain neutral and in control in front of clients/ service users. It doesn't really sit well with me as he is there to fill you with encouragement  /reassurance. He should keep his emotions inside until he has ended his meeting; he is the professional. How can you be strong if he is like a blubbering wreck; who is supporting who??

Just my opinion and I hope that it doesn't offend you because it isn't meant too.

There is nothing wrong in releasing your emotions. Do I take it that you are perceived as 'tough and unbreakable'?

I would interpretate   that as you have built up a wall to hide away from your inner most emotions/memories? 

You are a wonderful, loving, caring person who just has a great deal of anger, hurt ,upset  and rejection deep within. You will find that 'real you' that has been buried away protecting you from hurt. The new move in every aspect of your future will unleash the 'real you'.

Overlook the difficult times that you will be going through ; you will be so well supported by  for friends, support workers PCSO's etc. Spend time imagining how liberating your life will eventually be. Exciting times ahead for you, my sweet.

It must be rubbish having limited transport etc . We are so close to fields, rail network , buses etc; although we do walk a lot. You really should be proud of yourself, you honestly should. I am so proud of you and if you were here I would give you a whopping big hug.

You are facing your fears and you are still here to fight another day. Remind yourself that 'fear' is present because it is an unknown entity; try and ride it like you would a wave. We are all afraid of the unknown; I certainly was . It is 'normal' emotion experienced by everyone so you are not alone.

"Here I am this is ME and I am much stronger than you ever thought I would be"

Gentle, comforting hugs for a good day tomorrow.

You are a real star; believe in yourself as you are the most important person in your life.

Julie xx

Hehe, I think I'd curl up on the floor in front of the log burner, if I had one, their so warm and cozy, my favourite pub has a log burner, and one of my friends has one in his house, I'd love one, but I don't think, being a self harmer, it'd be very wise, especially liking to walk on hot coals, it usually has to be the right type of wood embers, and you have to wet you're feet first, but I think the urge to deliberately burn myself may pose too much of a risk if I were to own one, although I love a warm fire in company, as nobody would allow me to burn myself were they with me 

Both Huw and Jon's open display of emotions, at a revelation, and crying, are all about a therapeutic approach, about deliberately trying to get me to cry, to release that emotion, rather than bottling it up, as had I have not started talking about my historic abuse through Jon asking all the right questions, and had he have not shown emotion, followed closely by Huw also showing emotion, I may well have just stopped dead, stopped opening up, and just clammed up 

I have a nasty habit of clamming up, shutting off, refusing to talk, becoming isolated and almost mute, I'm guessing there is a first for everything, and their dual diagnosis training, in both mental health and drug and alcohol, along with that of humanistic existential psychotherapy and an occupational therapy like training, it makes their approach very different, 'staff' being openly emotional in front of clients/service users, can actually be quite helpful, and even comforting, it's just hard to recover from that emotional display after it's happened, but does mean the next time the discussion arises, there is less emotion, and if I were to become too emotional, they are in a position to continue to explain, while I gain composure, and can help with low risk less emotional prompts, that can help express the same answers needed without the extra difficult emotions, minimising the future triggers.

Jon is indeed there to fill me with encouragement/reassurance, and would do just that, sometimes being strong is about repetition, the more you repeat it, the less the emotion will effect you, they are very supportive, and after an emotional exchange will always offer a hug and tissues, although as you said, I am often perceived as 'tough and unbreakable', I do not like tissues, and usually prefer my sleeve 

I know that there is nothing wrong in releasing my emotions, and by them outwardly showing and releasing their emotions, that is what their trying to remind me of, as if they don't I can literally be like stone with no emotion, not good when emotional outburst is needed to prevent me making myself ill by bottling it up  

I respect your opinion and it doesn't offend me one bit, but I guess it's a really unusual approach, but then again I'm a very unusual client/service user, not you're average client/service user 

You're interpretation that I have built up a wall to hide away from my inner most emotions/memories, is correct, I use a signature, on a few sites I frequent that has the words 'MY SHELL IS LIKE A BOX OF LOCKED DOORS, ONLY I & THE PEOPLE I CHOOSE CAN GET IN & OUT.

I am getting through the rejection, and finding my real inner most self, the thoughts of breaking free are really liberating, it is rubbish having limited transport, but once I move I will have to continue mastering my phobia of trains, I did manage Swansea to Port Talbot once on the train alone but was a crying nervous wreck by the time I got to Port Talbot train station, as I couldn't get the train door open and despite the staff on the train seeing I was nervous, shaking and half in tears, not once did they ask me if I was ok, it's horrible having a phobia of trains and not liking the sensation of train travel on my stomach, causes a churning like feeling, yuck, I think it stems from seeing my friend commit suicide as a child, in front of a train in Ammanford, I was only 14 at the time, my friend was just 11, and I had a phobia of trains ever since

I am facing my fears, and will continue to fight  in sunshine & hope 

I am believing in myself as much as I can, and will never give up on my right to freedom and happiness

*Gentle Comforting Hugs, Wrapped Carefully with Love and Pride*

Stumpy. xx      

I love your 'sign off 'words.

I  can sort of understand the approach in getting you to show your emotions as it isn't healthy to let things 'fester'. I would be really good at taking the crying approach . I used to work in for a priest and occasionally would be asked to attend  funeral or I would attend a Parishioners Requiem Mass. I sometimes felt like a professional mourner. 

I don't like water and  have a areal phobia after nearly drowning not once, but twice and so boats are boarded under duress. The thought of going on one fills me with anxiety. I can always remember sitting drinking when I noticed the lights in the harbour appeared to be moving away; we had set sail early. !!! 

Also on walking back to a ship in Egypt we had to walk across a make shift platoon which bobbed up /down in the water. As the passengers were on it, some jets/planes flew above us making some passengers stop to look. I swear to God if they hadn't had moved out of my way they were going over..Seriously. It must have been such a traumatic thing to see your friend committing suicide. 

I have just started using trains regularly and love them ; although I would probably get on the wrong one if left to my own devices.

The staff member who ignored your distress is a one off; hopefully. I can never understand why you would ignore someone in distress. I have been known to approach people in distress when others have just sat and watched.

I have spent the last hour putting newly delivered logs in to the wood store. I do love the log burner but it does make me tired watching it . It is a great way to relax.

Love, light and happiness.

Julie xx