Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder

I've felt unwell for 3 Months lost my mum in March due to cancer I cared for her and was by her side all the way till the end.Ive been admitted twice to hospital and was in 72 hours both times was sent out with crisis team.Ive been having really bad throughts of harming myself and people get so distressed as I know I wouldn't.Very low mood can't bare to be alone.And I can't see any end to it.

Hi Jennifer, I can empathize with how you feel, I've had many hospital stays for breakdowns for various reasons throughout my life, the shortest stay being 96 hours, and the longest stay being 17 days, the shortest stay I was only 14, a really young scary age to be detained in a psychiatric ward, I know death/bereavement is hard, especially when it's a parent or someone you've been very close to, but you can feel better, please don't harm yourself, it'll only lead to a slippery slope of self harming/destructive behaviours, that can become like an addiction, I know from personal experience, think of your most beautiful memories with your mum, and always try to remember that, that's something nobody can ever take away from you.

I know what it's like to feel alone, as I often feel alone, even in a room full of people but you're not Aline here (on Carenity), we're all here too :)

I really hope you're mood shifts soon :)

Hi Jennifer. I am sorry to read of your very recent bereavement.  What you are going through is perfectly "normal" Your grief is still very raw and sadly grief has no expiry date; you will in time learn to live with it, although it will never ever go away. It is a gut reaction when faced with such emotions to feel so low that you look for ways to end the pain; the positive thing is that you realize that you will be harming not only yourself but those around you + "if" self harming did make you have a bit of release ,it certainly won't last and it will eventually drag you even further down.

I understand that this may sound weird but console yourself that you have been an amazing daughter to your mum, especially as she became so unwell; I am sure that she would tell you how proud she was of your strength at the end and that she loves you so very much.

The pain will eventually subside but you will have to be patient and accepting that it all part of the grieving process.

The important thing is to now look after "you" as you are the most important person here. Try and take time out to do things for you, no matter how small.

Adopt a 2 steps forward, 3 steps back approach.

As Stumpy posted remember the good times in your life with your mum. I am a firm believer that those we love don't ever leave but they walk beside us every day. Talk to your mum.

Talk, talk and talk some more. This is the ideal place to do that ,as we all understand and can/will support you.

It is ok to say "I am not coping", no one would expect anything different.

In times of stress/anxiety concentrate on your breathing ; this will calm you down whilst focusing on your body.

I totally understand how you can be surrounded by people but feel so alone from my own personal experience.

At this moment in time , I also understand how you can never ever imagine feeling light with in yourself or that painful, immense feeling of darkness dragging you down ever going away; but you can and will. 

I speak from my own experience ;something that made me join this site as I want to shout it out loud and clear that there really is a wonderful life to be had but it is a case of getting there which is so hard.

Take daily walks, taking time to notice the flowers instead of the weeds.

I will always be here to chat /support so never ever feel that you are alone.

Be gentle on yourself.

Little by little, day by day.

Love + hugs

Julie x