Suicidal thoughts, not coping, how to get treatment without carrying out my plans?

The clouds are slowly lifting with the help of my Counsellor, the Samaritans, and the supportive people here and on other forums I frequent :)

Hi Ceri + thank you so much for being open regarding what must be a terrible weight for you to carry within. I firmly believe that no matter what medication we are on that until we are strong enough to acknowledge and actually start taking steps to overcome those issues then we can never truly move on in a clear ,happy ,clear state of mind.

I applaud you and yes "I am so proud of you". I truly hope that you are proud of yourself also?  

The child/adolescent mental health team got it so very wrong in "labeling" you as a 'naughty child" It is easier to label sometimes instead of getting a real insight in to why a child behaves so; in my eyes it was a way of you getting attention that you desperately wanted/needed. No it wasn't love but it was much needed attention.

Some people should hang their heads in shame.

I hope /pray that you receive all the help in to achieving your goals. I always say the best counsellor's are those who have first hand experience.  You may not agree but I feel that you have already achieved in life; another thing to be proud of

Christmas can be such a lonely time for those alone/ill etc. I do hope that you will be able to get through it. I used to hate Christmas when I was on my own in the midst of my depression. Feel free to message me if you need to chat. I will check my inbox.x

What your dad and the dad of your friend did to you; is never ever acceptable. and yes it is wrong.A friend of mine was abused by her dad; she felt the same as you do; that he loves her and he was her dad but she also hated him. She told me recently that it was only when he died that she felt in a better place but she carried anger towards her mum who knew all about it and turned her eye.

You have been on such a rough path but you will /are getting to a better place ; it all takes time and patience. You really are inspirational ,giving hope to anyone else on here that they are not alone and that there is light at the end of  very, dark, lonely tunnel

Please be gentle on yourself; love yourself and the rest will follow.

Little by little, day by day.

Chipping away is the way forward. Remember you are not alone.

Picture those clouds being blown away and the sun shining through on a gentle breeze.

Always here to chat.

Julie xxx 

Thanks Julie, I went to town on the bus today for the first time in weeks, met up with some of my best friends, went to the cinema, I really enjoyed, had a really good, and happy day, I also confided in them about all my abuse, including about my dad, a lot of friends in my past rejected me as a friend, when I made the suggestion of abuse, one of the reasons I stopped talking, and started drinking, but they didn't reject me like others have, they were really supportive, so now I'm really not alone, surrounded both online and in reality/in person by people who both know, and are understanding and supportive, feels like such a relief, it felt great to have a good day, for the first time in a long time, although now I'm apprehensive about running out of my Diazepam, I run out on Thursday, and I've already had cravings/urges to take opiates in their place, not good, I really need a med review desperately, I think increasing my Ritalin, and stopping the Diazepam and Beta Blockers is an urgent need, but I still appear to have no sign of hope of seeing a psych to review my Ritalin.

You're such a kind person thank you for all your help and encouragement, I feel blessed that people like you are there to help me at least talk through things, and feel comfortable about it, before finally talking about them in person, with my counsellor, my relationship with my counsellor just got to a new level, I trust him more than anyone, even more than I trust myself, I trust him with my life, I can tell him anything, including if I'm feeling unsafe, before I attempt anything silly/stupid.

I really hope I can see the doctor on Monday, I need to sort out my genital warts from my abuse, their so itchy, and I need to discuss what I do about the Diazepam and urges/cravings for opiates, I don't want to fall back into that trap, my GP needs to speak to the psych to get permission to either increase my Ritalin, or to stop the Diazepam, and Beta Blockers and substitute for Promazine temporarily, although it's considered dangerous alongside Ritalin, it is better tolerated than Diazepam, however I find it extremely addicting, so it'll need to be monitored closely, and preferably in tablets not the liquid like they often used to give, as I had a habit of drinking it from the bottle, where as I don't like swallowing tablets, so would be less likely to overdose on them, and even if they were to give me a months supply of tablets, I could tell them to split them between 2 bottles, and I can have one, and have my counsellor to hold on to the other until I'm ready, as I see him every fortnight 

I'm trying to hold on to the good times and be gentle with myself, but also firm, and honest, honest with my doctor about my feelings, and needs, to help the clouds lift in the best way possible 

Stumpy xxx 

Good afternoon Ceri, Wow, what a great post. Well done. 

You really are on the right path to a new beginning. You have done so well in opening up and disclosing what must be  really dark, painful memories. I truly believe that talking will get you through as it gives you relief mentally . You have done nothing to be ashamed of and should hold your head up high. No one would willingly go through what you have /are going through; you were ill and had no control whatsoever. You can take total control .Believe in yourself.

You accept that it is a 2 steps forward, 3 steps back scenario with good days and bad days. Being gentle on yourself on low/bad days is crucial. The good days will overtake the bad days; it just takes time so be gentle and patient.

Ceri, You really don't have to thank me, all I wish to do is to be there for you and anyone else who is struggling. We all deserve to be happy and depression can be so unrelenting and cruel. I may not have the same experiences that you have, but having any form of illness that you can't see results in experiencing the similar sort of issues/emotions/struggles.

It is a case of striving to get to where you need/want and deserve to be; feeling loved,safe ,wanted and needed and I can tell that you are a loving/caring person with so much to give.

It is such a huge positive that you are now at the stage in your life where you are ready to open up and address your past for once and for all ,whilst learning to put it where it belongs; out of sight in your mind. You are doing a brilliant job in taking control again and not being controlled by your past .

It is lovely to read that you are ready to be open/honest to your GP and that you have a great relationship with your counsellor. Keep it up. 

I do hope that you get the required outcome from your GP tomorrow; you really need to be seen as your anxiety levels appear to be rising just reading your post. 

Ceri, I can't emphasize enough how lovely it was reading all your positivity; it has brought a smile to my face.

In times of need , you always find out who your true friends are. You don't need those that aren't always there supporting you; only those that love you. 

Continue talking; you can never talk enough. The more you open up, the less control your past issues will have on you; they will no longer have such a profound effect.

Little by little, day by day.

Have a wonderful Sunday my lovely friend.

Big hugs; always here for you ; no matter when .

Julie 

Hi Ceri, Just to let you know that I have been thinking about you and hope that you actually were seen by the professionals yesterday?

I also hope that today will be gentle on you.

Hope to hear from you later.

Big hugs and oodles of positive thoughts.

Julie xxxx

 to you Ceri x

Hey I did see my GP on Monday, I gave him a letter about all my abuse, but I hadn't finished writing it, so now he knows about my abuse, but I didn't manage to tell him about my genital warts, however I did speak to my local pharmacist about them, he gave me hydrocortisone cream to use, and suggested I wait until after my holiday to discuss it with my GP, just in case of any referrals for treatment, my GP increased my Ritalin in the absence of my Psychiatrist, so I'm feeling a lot calmer, have slept better the past few nights, and am generally feeling good :)

I tried talking to my mum about my abuse from my dad on Monday, but her response was very cold, it really upset me, I've felt the need to cry, but couldn't physically because the Propranolol Beta Blockers have caused dry eye, and my tear ducts seem to have dried up, or I'd have likely cried Monday night, all day yesterday, and this morning already x

Talking should help I write down my feelings sometimes could be anything it's worth a try 

Firstly, it is very sad that your mum's reaction to your abuse by your dad wasn't the one you hoped for. Sometimes it is easier to bury our heads and pretend it didn't happen but you can only live your life like that for so long. I applaud you for having the strength/courage to address this issue. You should feel proud of yourself as it couldn't have been easy . It is a real positive as it demonstrates that you are moving forward. Always remember that YOU have done nothing wrong AT ALL so be gentle with yourself 

Getting your past issues out in the open by actually saying them out loud is a healer; so you really have made massive steps ;all for the good. Ceri, you really have done so well and come so far, something you probably don't realize but I as an "onlooker/outsider" recognizes this fact. You are a real inspiration 

The other positive is that you actually asked/accepted advice from the pharmacist. I do hope

that all goes well in your "nether regions"

Try and not waste your energy crying over your mum's reaction.  Try and not let her "problem" of denial become yours. It may hit her like a bomb shell one day but that is for her conscience to deal with not yours. If you remember me telling you about my friend's dad abusing her; her mum took/still takes the same stance as your mum; pretending it that it never happened .

I do hope that today will turn out to be gentle for you. If you were here,I would give you a massive big hug because you are amazing.

Hope to hear from you later; as always I am always here for you.

Julie x

I had mostly a good day yesterday, I went to my volunteer group meeting, with my local drug and alcohol service user recovery forum, I picked up my I.D card, so that now makes my volunteering official, really exciting and positive, I'm gonna be coordinating a service user recovery group at the drug and alcohol project, as a peer mentor, mentoring others with similar issues as I've been through.

I also went to see my counsellor at his office, for one last chat before Christmas, he made me feel great as usual, and has gone over and above his job, he said if I need him over Christmas just give him a ring or a text (on his personal mobile) and he'll try to be there for me.

I tried to approach my mum on the abuse from my dad again last night, in front of my ex boyfriend, who's my best friend, and now I'm really clear on the idea that she's never going to tell me what I wanted to hear, that she does agree it was wrong, she simply just became very defensive, and almost seemed angry, that she felt jealous that my dad was playing with my boobs and not hers, and that she felt angry that it would bring some kind of shame on my family by others knowing, so I am no longer going to try to get the answer I hoped for, I'll just distance myself from my family more and more.

I'm going out for my Christmas Dinner with Mind today, and then the Drug and Alcohol project Christmas party, so today should be a really positive day :)

Stumpy. X