I hate me

I am being so horrid to my hubby esp today. My Dad is terminally ill and I had to call a gp out yesterday, luckily he's just got a chest infection and the antibiotics are already helping. He's up and about today after having a temp of 40 yesterday. Now I know I didn't sleep well last night but we have been to parents in law's house today to take some shopping so when they come off their hols tomorrow they have got some fresh milk etc. After we were going to have lunch out but when we went to a local garden centre cafe they hadn't got what I fancied and my mind just went blank. I didn't know what I wanted, whether to go elsewhere or to come home. Now I do have poor concentration at times due to chronic fatigue syndrome and depression but hubby was trying to be calm but I could tell he was getting fed up. We came home in the end and had lunch here and I have apologised but he just says " not to worry " or "never mind" but in an exasperated voice. We had lunch and now I'm in the bedroom and he's in the lounge. He went downstairs earlier and I got worried as he had been some time but he'd been sat outside with a neighbour and that irritated me more. If I had suggested sitting out he wouldn't want to, I keep sticking my fingers up at him though he can't see. I'm annoyed, angry even and he hasn't done anything, so then I feel more and more guilty. I wouldn't blame him if he hated me, I hate me, why am I so evil? I feel really anxious. I don't want my Dad to suffer like my Mum did but  I don't want him to go, how can I go on without my Hero? A couple of friends have said well he's had a good life, a good innings- he's 88 but that doesn't stop the pain. My sister is coming over more often but she has been really horrid in the past so I always get anxious if I am going to see her, not knowing what she is going to say next. Last Sunday I knew we were all going to have Sunday lunch together and got so wound up that by the time we sat down I was struggling to stop myself having a panic attack. ( a couple of years ago she told me our Mum was turning in her grave because of me) I've forgiven her but can't forget. I am trying hard to keep the peace for Dad's sake. Is it all my fault, do I poison everyone, a part of me still blames myself for my Mum's death and when I start to drop it all comes back. I can't stop crying and don't know what to do. I want to hurt, I want to run away so I don't hurt anyone else or I want to hideaway for the same reason. I'm tired.

Sorry for such a long tirade, once I started I couldn't stop.- maybe that's a good thing at least it's let some of it out.