I hate me

Hi Jeanette (whomi), Alun (alunsue) and  Julie (itgetsbetter?,  thank you all for listening. I can usually talk to my hubby about things though sometimes I can't find the words. Sometimes I write down what I want to say. I used to not talk especially to my Mum and Dad because in my mind I was protecting them. I have self harmed in the past it started with me hugging myself  then digging my nails in to scratching till I bled. This went on to cutting failure and evil into my arms to warn people off me, to protect them. It didn't stop the lovely man who later became my husband. I do think when you are in a deep depression it is harder for those who love you as you are not really aware of whats really going on or you are inward looking and just think of things to stop the hurt or dull the pain. In saying that though I have just remembered that when I am in a bad place I often think of going away where nobody knows me so I am not hurting those I care about. When you are halfway yu do and you try and fight it,this is so tiring and consciously or unconsciously you shut people out.  My Dad tries to understand and over the years is finding it easier but either way I know he loves me loads. I have written a poem called imprisonment which is about my experience of depression and an article called Christianity vs depression. The poem was published in a book sold to raise funds for the local mind and at the annual carol service that year so many people that weren't directly associated with mind came up to me and thanked me for showing them that they weren't the only ones to feel like that. I don't write to get glory but to hopefully help people understand what it's like or to show folk that they aren't alone if they are sufferers and maybe speak up and get help. Sending hugs to all you lovely people and a message to say if you ever want to talk message me. Thank you all so much, love Mandy xx

Mandy; I do hope that you are having a better time in general. Talking really is the answer; I can vouch for that. I understand the thoughts behind wanting to run away from everything but the only problem is that our issues/insecurities follow us and those left behind being so worried. 

Last night, my new partner told me things about his past that he has never told anyone . He was ashamed that he tried to run away from everything and was sleeping rough. That was the start of his breakdown. He really can't understand why I still love him as he is ashamed . He doesn't grasp the fact that he was ill and it was beyond his control.He just took time out.

He is now really opening up but he does struggle as he finds it hard to talk about his inner most self.

Mental illness really is nothing to be ashamed of. There is help out there but sometimes the hardest thing to admit is that we need help as we are struggling and actually embracing it. I was guilty of doing that.

This site is an ideal place to realize that no one is alone ,lots of people are also going through the same.

Well done Mandy on putting your thoughts/feelings down; a great way of releasing your emotions etc.

Carry on staying focused. 

Take time to be gentle on yourself. You are a good person inside and out with a lot to offer, I hope that you realize how precious you are to all those that love you. xx

Big hugs wrapped with love.

Always here to chat.

Julie x

Thanks for  your kind words but if you ever feel like talking feel free I will always respond as soon as I can as I know how difficult it can be be strong.

Mandy that was fantastic that you were able to write things and I would imagine have helped so many people.I find it really hard to except praise but if someone says anything negative that's stored forever.I think it's getting a bit more easier to talk about mental illness because it is so much more in the public eye but getting people to understand it is a whole different thing.Ive tried to explain it to my sister but thinks the medication is making me worse and I should just come off them,if only it were that easy

Hi  Whoami,

I do hope that you have had a good weekend?

Yes, mental illness is hard to understand by people if they haven't experienced "depression" and or have  only had periods of "feeling low".

Please do not come off your medication based on your sisters comments.

With medication and helping yourself by embracing all the help available to you along with self help you will get to a better place. 

Keep chatting as the benefits are a real positive.

Big hugs,

Julie x

I'm feeling a bit scared, I've had a bad experience in a shop tonight. Was made to feel stupid and I started scratching my arms again. I haven't self harmed for ages, I can't start again. 

Please don't feel scared.  Nothing is worth hurting yourself for, and there is no need to start again. I look at things in a way now and say well, have I done something wrong, no. Have I hurt someone else, no. Then why feel stupid and why hurt myself  It could very well be their own stupidity and ignorance and they don't know how to deal with it, other than to lash out at the first person they come across.

Good morning Tizzely,

I am probably sure that you didn't show yourself up; that is your inner self being critical . Don't let your negative thoughts get you down.

Always try and be gentle with yourself. It is so easy to be so hard on ourselves as we are our own worst enemies. Turn your negative thoughts into a positive ; as for every negative there IS a positive, you just have to look for it.

You are harming" yourself" when you self harm and that is being so unfair /unkind on YOU. Please try to find another way to vent; come on here and let all your anger ,self loathing out on here; believe me you will soon get lots of support ;hence, diminishing the need to hurt yourself.

Don't own other people's faults/stupidity. That is their problem so don't let it become yours.

Learn to laugh at silly actions/mistakes; if you feel like it was last night. Make a joke of it. I personally find that this works for me as I know that I am a liability when out; as does my partner etc.!!

Laughter does make the world a better environment to be in 

Feel free to private message me when you are feeling anxious and in need of personal support .

Don't ever allow anyone to make you feel bad.

Big hugs wrapped with love.

Julie x

Again if you would like to talk feel free and I will get back to you as soon as a I can.

Your life belongs to one person and one person only. You. This is not a practice run where we can start all over again. Ignore people who say hurtfull things  or intimidate you. I find these people are narrow minded and listen to no one other than themselves. They are usually jealus as well. Use their narrow minded ness to strengthen yours and to get confidentl

Hugs to you lots of them speak soon.

Hi Mandy,hope your ok,been thinking of you xx