Depression, anxiety and bi-polar

Hi am new here too. 

I am also relating to all of the above. Today I am in bits, once I start crying I just stop. Yesterday I was ok but the day before I felt exactly as I do today. 

My drepression consumes me, I can't think straight and can see no way out. The anxiety seems to worsen even time! I can't catch my breath, my palms sweat and I shake uncontrollably. 

I have suffered from a teenager and now 41!

i feel there is no hope anymore. Every aspect of my life seems to be taking a wrong turn. It is only the thought of my children maurning me which keeps me in it. If it wasn't for them I would have given up entirely a long time ago. ? 

Peace xx

can someone help me here when am with a crowd of people I know am happy but when on my own I feel like crap is this normal?

Sometimes it is easier to be 'one of the crowd' instead of being alone with your inner most thoughts. On the other hand from my own experience there are times when I didn't want to interact or even see another person . It was like being stuck in between to emotions. It is part and parcel of depression so you are 'normal' 

Have a good day Graham.

Julie xx

To hun3bb3; I too suffered with panic attacks; I really thought that I was going to die..I didn't and I think that once you truly realize this fact on really concentrate on your breathing and just focus 100% then they will decrease. 

Do you recognize what it is that actually starts you panicking?

Getting to a better place mentally is hard but worth it when you actually get there. My life is wonderful now but at the time I could never ever imagine my life changing for the better. It was a dark lonely ,frightening place to be and despite being surrounded by people I felt totally alone.

There really is a better place waiting for you to reach it . 

Are you receiving help from your GP?

It is all about delving deep and trying to identify what it is that has led you down the path of depression. After which it is about acknowledging .accepting and embracing 100% all the help available. Although medication eased my frantic mind they didn't erase/solve my 'issues''; self help did that.

It has been a long time coming but depression is like grief, it has no expiry date nor are there any short cuts.

Talking is an amazing tool for everyone plus it is free.xx

Posting on here regularly will help you to realize that you are not alone and we are all here to support you and help you through those dark days.

Here if you want to chat.

Be gentle on yourself. Don't be over critical or over analyze.

Hugs.

Julie x

I'm really struggling at the moment I went to doctors on Monday and am being re referred to pysciatrist, I got some Valium but am only taking if I get really bad, I'm just in my own head all the time and am struggling to focus at work, I spend slot of time alone outside of work, I just get home have my dinner and go to bed, I think people don't know what to do when someone is in a bad way so they back off, and also I know people have their own lives to get on with, but I just struggle with being alone, but my anxiety stops me from interacting with others, it's a horrible place to be, I think I'm getting depressed as just start crying for no reason, I just want to get to see pyschiatrist and get back to some kind of normality, I have lost my spark so much I just want it bwcj

Hi Paul. If you GP has given you a dosage /time then I would recommend that you take them as prescribed; this will give the medication time to properly get in to your bloodstream enabling you to get have the full benefit . I have been were you are now mentally. it is like a never ending treadmill with your mind running at 100 mph. You are in a catch 22 situation. You don't want to be alone but your anxiety is preventing you from 'getting on'. My anxiety was awful, I just wanted to hide as I neither had the energy nor the inclination to do something positive. Look at the crying as a form of 'release' ; let it out and don't let it fester within.  I would cry for nothing and it would come over me in waves with no apparent reason . Crying is nothing to be ashamed of; something that I tell my partner. It takes a strong man to cry and admit that he is struggling.

Do you recognize what it is that has set you on your path of depression?

It is a case of working on these 'issues'but not addressing them at a fast pace or at an unrealistic time scale.

Little by little, day by day. Along with being gentle on yourself. 

Accept that it is ok to cry and to admit/accept that you will have bad/low days ;you are not alone as 'no one' is happy etc 24/7.

Please believe me when I tell you that 'it will get better' . Hard, to believe I know. The most important thing now is to concentrate on 'you' and chipping away at what is making you feel so low/anxious.

I completely agree with your observations regarding  'others not knowing how to treat you or act around you' Mental illness is so hard to understand ,unless of course you have suffered with it personally; Having been through it, it really has given me a better understanding for those going through it. My partner is suffering with it now due to personal issues including coming to terms with being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

In my darkest days , I lost all my self esteem/confidence and truly couldn't ever see it returning; let me tell you Paul , it did and it has come back ten fold; as will yours...in time

Patience was the hardest lesson for me. Accept that there is no fast path but whilst on it , you can change your path. Going outside my comfort zone has been such a massive morale booster and I am proud of my achievements.

Adopt the 2 steps forward, 3 steps back approach. It is so tiring when everything appears to be going against you; this is normal.

Concentrate on your breathing; this is so beneficial for your anxiety. I still do this in times of stress. Remember that when in the depths of despair logic/reasoning flies out of the window and until the chemical imbalance is back in sync there is little that you can do. Take the advice from the professionals including any prescribed medication if needed. 

Self help is a must and it is so hard at times. Focus on keeping you as well as possible should be your main aim.

Eat well and regularly.

Establish a routine.

Spend time relaxing; listen to calming music or relaxation CD

Be gentle on yourself

Go for walks, take time to notice the flowers instead of the weeds.

Talk, talk and talk some more. The more you talk about what is troubling you then the less impact it will have on you as it won't seem as important once everything is out in the open and addressed/worked on.

This group really is ideal as you will realize that you are not alone and the feeling of anxiety, despair etc is 'normal'.

Looking back , I know that it was a truly dark, frightening ,painful lonely place but I can't remember just how bad it was. The emotions involved have faded but I do know that I will never ever feel those intense feelings again. The same will apply to you.xx

Keep talking and never be afraid to be honest /open as once you ;acknowledge, accept and embrace all the help 100% and your recovery will truly begin with such a bright life at the end.

This was a great mantra  for me; 

Here I am 

This is Me 

And I am much stronger than you ever thought I would be.

Gentle hugs for a gentle day.

Julie x

I'm not sure I think it's a combination of things that had triggered it, I had a break up with my girlfriend this time last year, and again where my self esteem was so bad I felt like I couldn't deliver in the relationship as in marriage and kids etc so I let her go to find out within 4 weeks she was with someone else, the only way I can describe it was as if a switch went off in my head and I think I just had a breakdown, I couldn't stop crying at work and a colleague of mine said I think you need to get some help, I went to see a therapist who i still see now, as this has been going on for a long time, it effects my life in a big way in all aspects where I can't get myself to a better place, I'm trying to but I just can't snap out of it, I'm not drinking or using drugs now which I have done in the past, as that is like throwing petrol on the fire as my head goes really out of control then, I just hope the pysciatrist can help me, it is the anxiety that cripples me, it's awful

Good Morning Paul. Well done on not turning to drink/drugs. I can relate to your feelings as my now ex committed adultery following 30 years of marriage. Just as we were at a good place in our lives..kids grown up so it had become 'time for us'. He wasn't well mentally but it wasn't all down to that. He then tried to blame having a mid life crisis!! He hated tattoo's but then went and had 3. He bleached his thinning hair. Paul, I took him back time + time again ,only for him to clear out whenever I was either working or out with friends. He mentally made me so ill.

I can actually feel your pain/hurt  as reading your post, like me your world has fallen apart and life is overwhelming you. I would literally run home from work as the tears would be falling. Extreme sadness would come out of nowhere and totally floor me.  

Reading the 'reasons' for the divorce left me heartbroken as every reason was a lie and despite my sons/family/friends all pointing out that all that knew me knew that it was all lies. The reasons were pretty laughable but at the time I so upset. One of the reasons noted was because 'I had only attended 1 works 'do' in 30 years of marriage. He seemed to forget that we were raising a family !! 

Paul , it took me a long time to believe that the break up wasn't my fault. As pointed out by a good friend who happened to not only be a solicitor but also was high up in psychiatric social work and so he was invaluable as he understood all the 'patterns' of my ex. He pointed out and rightly so that he was blaming me to justify his own actions. Even to this day, none of all his nasty deeds are his fault; he is blameless. Guilt is a terrible thing but I no longer 'own ' that feeling as it doesn't belong to me ; neither does what you are going through so don't 'own it' learn to let it go.x

Until , he accepts his own actions he will never get better BUT that is HIS problem. I have struggled to believe in myself and that I was a good person.

It has been a hard path to go down and especially due to the divorce settlement  but I am in a wonderful place .Learn to be on your own and look after your 'needs'. Believe that you are a good man ; none of how you are feeling i in your control as you are ill. Depression is so draining. 

Please believe me , you will get to a better place but it will take time and so you will have to be patient.

You are the most important person and you now need to realize that and stop being so hard on yourself.

Try and keep yourself busy. In times of anxiety , concentrate on your breathing as this will help focus on that instead of your anxiety.

Take things slowly, it is ok to be upset or admit that you are struggling.

Little by little day by day. Don't look too far ahead Set yourself small targets.

You really will look back on this truly horrible period in your life but it won't have the same impact emotionally. Hard to believe I know, as I didn't at the time but it is true.

Learn to love yourself again and the rest will follow.

Keep chatting, hope to hear from you soon.

Gentle hugs for a gentle day.

Julie xx

Morning Julie just read your post, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, it's not nice to be betrayed like that, we have no control over others, not even closest to us, and I think that is a struggle and hence why trust issues surface. I am very untrusting of people, I always think there is motive behind someone talking to me but I know this is all in my head I just need my head to be more quiet, I have a noisy head. 

No ,you are right Paul, it was a very difficult time in my life. He was sending 'her' vile emails whilst living with her and signing them in 'my'name. I was actually arrested and processed. I can't begin to tell you the effect that that incident has had on me. I have NEVER been in trouble and would never or be capable of such a horrible , wicked thing . I wasn't charged/cautioned as it soon became apparent that it wasn't me. He also turned up 'confessing all' This was probably because 'she' had thrown him out when she phoned the police ' . That is their problem now as he married in a depth of lies /deceit. The truth ALWAYS comes out and the bubble bursts.

I was also facing other issues; my elderly dad being diagnosed with COPD , along with my sister being diagnosed with Cancer. I was facing redundancy from my part time job which would leave me at risk of losing my home. i also had surgery as Cancer was a common factor in the females in my family. Finances are lack of terrified me.

My mind would be my own worst enemy; as yours now is I am sure?

I would be walking my dog at silly o clock in the morning. I would be afraid of going to bed/sleep as that was when my mind was at its worst. The pain inside my head was horrific.

My GP prescribed medication to calm my anxiety down ;along with Citalopram.

It is a rough path to on but Paul but you can/will get there.

Be gentle, occupy your mind as much as possible with other things. Walking was a great thing to do as I hated being in my empty home. Take time to notice the flowers instead of the weeds. You won't find it easy at first but the more you do it then the easier it will become.

Try and work out what it is that is really preventing your peace and try and address it; but only take small steps so that you don't become overwhelmed. Little by little, day by day.

The mind can play such cruel relentless games with us when we are at our lowest. Just remember that ;once you have hit rock bottom there is only one way to go..up

You won't even be able to recognize the point when the brain just clicks back and lets you rest. I couldn't tell you when I felt 'better than  i had for a long time.

The hardest part for me now that I have realized just how strong I have actually been is anger. I am so angry at my ex who can't even communicate. I can no longer remember the 'good times' as he has marred them all. He can't even be bothered to ask after our son [directly] following him sustaining 2 bleeds on the brain. 

I am angry at myself for loving him too much and supporting him. 

Hurt is the worst emotion .

I became paranoid thinking that I was the topic of the local gossips. I still protected him despite him telling me [text] that 'Unlike me, he had never bad mouthed me'!!

In my logic state, I now see that I had /have every right to 'tell the truth'

It is hard as I am sure that you know but you WILL get to a better place. LOVE  yourself; don't find fault in yourself for your break up.

I felt like the worst individual alive...a bad wife, daughter, mother, friend etc when in fact I am neither of those things but at the time I felt such  failure. Stepping outside my comfort zone wasn't easy but it has been so rewarding. You will recognize the point when you are ready to move on and you will find it so liberating.

Paul, if I had a magic wand to fast forward you in the future then i would ,as it really is a dark, heavy relentless place to be. Sadly it is a journey that has no short cuts and so all I will tell you is that you need a lot of  patience, be accepting that you will have good/bad days. Enjoy the good days + let go of the bad ones. You are not alone in what emotions you are going through; they are 'normal'. In time the good days will far exceed the bad days. x

Regaining trust is something to think about in the future; just concentrate on you, and getting you to a better place now. Once out of the dark depths of depression , I really have come out stronger and I vowed to myself that I would NEVER let anyone drag me down.

I am in a loving relationship but if it ended tomorrow, yes I would be heartbroken but I will survive and nothing will ever hurt/frighten me to the same extent as previously. This my friend, will apply to you ..in time.

Please keep chatting; you are not alone .

Be gentle on yourself because you deserve a great life and you WILL achieve it.

Julie xx