The invisible carer
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welshmumlou
welshmumlou
Last activity on 14/05/2020 at 09:45
Joined in 2015
9 comments posted | 6 in the Living with anxiety and other mental illnesses group
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How is your husband?" the woman asked a small smile on her face that doesn't quite meet her eyes
"Fine" I say and a small smile back and off she walks her duty done for the day..
It made me think.
it's hard for the person who's fighting this horrible disease it's not picky who it chooses and who it destroys but there is another side, one that doesn't wish to draw attention as they are just trying to keep going.. I was one of these, my husband was diagnosed on the 3rd of April 2014 and underwent surgery on the 8th of May and until now it's been a difficult road to walk but what of the carer? The hands that sooth, the hands that carry a million things, who's own body and soul is geared to the fight, to get their loved one back... My husband was lucky, we were lucky but now it's the carers turn to deal with the issues that we had put to one side.
Where do we go?..I know this may seem like I'm moaning and I know that some haven't been as fortunate in their fight and they have my upmost sympathies. Despite winning our battle I found myself left with a lot of anger, confusion and no answers forthcoming.
I began to notice that something wasn't right when I was in my local store, it's amazing to see how much people feel they have to talk to you when they know that it's cancer, they tell you about how they have suffered and how they managed but they don't talk about you they talk about your loved one, how are they feeling, how's the hospital going? are they walking yet? and so on, but never in the barrage of questions do they ask how are you?.
I know it's hard for anyone they don't want to talk about themselves but there is a point that you reach that you have to stand there and think what about me?
Once the loved one has won or lost the battle and then your left standing either a survivor or a victim, what happens then?
There is no answer to that question, I found that all the help that is avalible for the sufferer there isn't much for the carer.
We have two small children my son wasn't even a year old when my husband had his op and needed almost 24 hour care for the whole 9 months that he wasn't able to put one foot on the floor without a whole lot of help, he wasn't able to be left alone with our kids because he couldn't get up the see what they wanted to get a cup of tea or even go to the toilet. It's hard for anyone and it's not just the physical issues either, mentally it was almost impossible, to try and manage a household and run the kids back and forth school and after school clubs and they hospital visits and doctor visits and getting the money right and going shopping while leaving the husband alone for a short time was impossible...
We had help from some family and none from others but to me, as soon as you close your front door at that time it's just you only you and you cannot think about yourself just get to the next stage on the road to recovery.
I willingly did what I did and would gladly do it again if need be but now I realise that there is nothing to help the carer we become invisible to all just another background noise for people to look at, a font of information about the illness and the stages your at, what is the doctor saying? and how are the children? and what do they need? but it never once asks if you need anything.
So nearly two years on and things have gotten better my husband is walking better and the cancer is (hopefully) gone and now I find that my own body and mind are in need of help they need the support and general help that is so available to the loved one.
So where do we go what do u do when you need the help??
I tired talking to the doc who gave me some tablets and told me to 'look for help online' as helpful as that is on times unless you have a endless bank account and loads of hours your not gonna get the help you need. Forums are a great resource but don't always have the capacity to deal with person to person, what does that leave??
I'm not writing this to moan or to ***** or say woe is me. I'm just putting this out there to generally ask, to see if anyone else feels like this or is there something or someone else they talked to that would help?