Recurrent depression - losing hope

You don't feel close or you think they don't care. Depression masks EVERYTHING. your perception of how they view you and how you view them is skewed. Trust me ,I have depression, as older woman I now consider suicide but I lost my father to it, you NEVER forgive yourself. If you think you may be wrong in your view sit down and REALLY talk to your parents. I think you see a chance of a life with a degree and a boyfriend.... its how it could be. Its hard to 'ignore' but take every chance you can to shake up your life with positives ie the volunteer café. Don't let depression win, only you can fight back. I know , you feel so alone, doctors don't listen, tablets don't help but try a 'moderate' dose that takes you one step and it may be enough to adapt. Depression and every related mental illness  is like looking at life through permanent black glasses. You may never take them off but you can change the shade.   if the parents thing goes ok then maybe time to test your boyfriend. It could go wrong but you have to take chances. FEAR feeds anxiety. Research as much as you can on others experience of anxiety and self help. Finding others in similar situations can 'normalise' something . And keep in mind your achievement is extra special.... you did it with an extra burden. It would be like running and completing a marathon with other runners except you were wearing a rucksack full of bricks. Good luck kid

We all wish depression didn't exisit because it's something we all have in common. It's hard to get away from the suicidal thoughs we have everyday, I for one know I have these thoughs everyday, every hour if I'm honest but i know from my viewing of it that with good friends and family we can all get through this ☺️ X x x 

Depression seems to affect everyone differently - different combinations of symptoms. I have had suicidal thoughts a number of times. The feelings that accompany those thoughts are truly awful for me. But my father took his own life and the impact that had on me will stay with me for the rest of my life. The 'What Ifs' I ask myself are the worst. I could never do that to others, especially those I love. I would rather struggle on and make the best of what I do have in life, even through the fog of depression.

Hi basil33,  I think I know how you feel. I have been living with depression for many years now. I too find suicidal thoughts can be comforting,  but have no intention of carrying them out. I have often felt like professionals don't understand.  It's so difficult sometimes, but sharing with others in similar situations has been helpful to me.  I'm glad you are sharing and seeking advice. I personally find my aspirations for a better future for me very helpful,  let's face it, we only have one shot at this life, regardless of any beliefs. There is so much advice out there that sometimes councilors don't point us towards, which doesn't mean they don't care. If you want advice on which websites might help you, let me know.

Sincerely Ewan 

To freedom: if you are a professional in this area, perhaps you should be a little more careful about the things you post. No hard feelings,  just saying.

Basil ,congrats on getting the volunteering role.

Work and meeting people helps me stay less isolated .It brings you out of your thoughts and connecting with the world.I have had the same feelings and the same thing happened with me,the suicidal thoughts faded after getting some help.I think maybe your councillor thinks you are resilient enough not to give in to those thoughts.I think he/she believes in you that you are coping better.Its a great sign that she isn't as worried about you.But be careful sometimes when things seems to be getting better you may be at a greater risk of doing something about those feelings or so I have read.What I mean is keep up the good work and enjoy your new volunteering post.

If you need to talk more you can message me any time !

p.s love the orchid picture 

Sinéad 

Well done Basil!! I also volunteer as a Project Leader. We are a group of 7 volunteers who provide a support network for ourselves and others. This role provides me with a reason to get out of bed on my foggiest days and just knowing my being there, even just to give a cuppa, helps others, cuts through my own fog, if only for a few hours a day. This has also helped me build that little bit more resilience in myself. And I now realise that for me suicidal thoughts and feelings are a symptom of my unwellness, however intrusive and unpleasant. They are not a purpose.

All the very best with your volunteering. I hope it helps you to realise how worthwhile you are.

Glen

Thank you for all your responses. 

This past week has been tricky. My grandmother is very ill and it is taking its toll on the family. On Friday they said she had only a few days to live. The whole family have been visiting her and it is a very sad time. 

It has put things into perspective for me. My career woes and petty issues with my boyfriend seem irrelevant right now. 

Here is what I find strange: I feel sad but I do not feel depressed. The sadness feels very natural, as if it is only temporary and it will pass in time. It has been enlightening for me, as if it has highlighted the difference between normal feelings of sadness and those due to mental illness. It gives me hope that my feelings of anxiety are unwarranted and nothing more than an illness, rather than myself being inadequate. I hope this makes sense. Has anyone else experienced this and understands what I mean?

Hi Basil,

I have just joined recently and was looking through the discussions. When I read yours it seemed like someone was reading from my mind, literally. When things I have been tough or I have felt less worthy of myself I have kind of said to myself that I will be one day not here and not able to feel all this (not that I could ever nor would I want to do it) its just weird because it calms me down also. I feel inadequate all the time however I had depression episode some years ago and recently its struck up again, so I know the feeling of being not good enough will ease. I suppose I just wanted to say that I completely see where you are coming from and I thought I was the only one that thought this.

Big hugs

Hello my names Steve.. 

I've suffered from moderate to severe depression my entire life, it's part of my personality I think I have not a clue about me. 

I'm 44 years old, I lack self confidence and its worsening... 

As I write this I feel hopeless, like I won't finish my point.. I feel silly, like a child I know it's in my head.. I think with a little hate about my abusive mother who started this depression ball rolling.. I feel silly again, it's all my fault. I want her forgiveness, an apology or her understanding then I'll have more respect for myself... I hope.. And society.. I'm a dad to two kids it started really well for years until they recognised there is something wrong with dad.. So like everyone one else my own children laugh at my lack of self confidence.. It's a catch 22 they are all I have.. Now they going .. That makes me low very low.. Doctors don't listen, tablets and system takes way way to long... And rarely work... Please respond ta.. Steve..