Overdose and Hospital Experiences

I overdosed on Monday on Beta Blockers, I simply couldn't cope, I went to try to see my GP, but was put in with the GP I'd previously had an altercation on the phone with. 

Needless to say things didn't go well, he refused me medication despite me being suicidal and at crisis point, instead he proceeded to try to be some kind of psychologist, or counsellor, he badgered me, forcing me to talk about my childhood, and all the current stuff that is scaring me, I didn't want to talk about it, I wasn't comfortable, I'd only just met the guy, he reduced me to floods of tears, he then went on to mock my referrals to both Women's Aid, and POVA (Protection Of Vulnerable Adults), stating that they are only there because they want to control me, and my behaviours, and tell me how to live. 

He reduced my self worth to below that of the already suicidal shrunken person I presented as, as per the instructions of my GP, who I'd requested to see. 

I'm now questioning if he's right or not, can I trust anybody, I don't think I can trust anybody, not even my counsellor, who I did trust with my life, and considered like a father figure in my life, I feel like I'm regressing back inside my shell like a snail ?. 

I refused to go to hospital after Mind phoned an ambulance ?, after I told a friend at Mind what I'd done, she phoned the doctors surgery and spoke to them, to try to ensure I'm never seen by that GP again, although my previous complaints fell on deaf ears, so only time will tell. 

After a lot of persuasion from Mind and the Ambulance paramedics, I agreed to go to hospital, only if a staff member from Mind came with me, so I got to A&E, no waiting like usual, I'm not sure if that was as a result of having staff members from Mind with me (3 in total as 2 others followed down in their cars) , as usually I'm left for hours without being seen, straight away I had an E.C.G and agreed at this point the staff could go, knowing I could be there for quite some time. 

After the staff left, I had my first contemptuous doctor, who insisted on taking my medication (Ritalin)  to look after, I knew at this point that I wouldn't get my next dose when it was due, although it'd have therapeutic benefits, and potentially reverse the effects of the Beta Blockers, so this increased my anxiety levels making it harder to get accurate E.C.G results on following E.C.G's, and accurate heart monitoring, the heart monitor leads kept falling off and I watched as they reconnected them, so I knew what leads went where, so I could re-collect them myself, I could also disconnect them if I needed to. 

I disconnected them to go to the toilet and got told off by a nurse that I needed to be connected to the heart monitor, I told her I needed the toilet, after I left the toilet, I went back to bed, re-connected myself, and about 10 minutes later the nurse came to re-connect my heart monitor, she looked puzzled, and said "oh someone re-connected you" I said ye me, she checked to make sure it was OK as I told her one of the leads keeps coming loose, but she said it appears you've got it back on OK now, so it should be fine, but she did double check pushing the release catch on the side of the lead head, so I then knew I could clip and un-clip them rather than just push them on, so a few minutes later when there were no staff in sight I disconnected the leads and went out the back door of A&E, along the corridor to the Ambulance entrance, waited for an ambulance paramedic to go outside and went out with him, so I could get signal on my phone and text my support workers to let them know what had happened. 

I went back into A&E the same way I'd gone out, I did this about 4 times, and nobody noticed, all the while being starving hungry, as I hadn't eaten since Sunday evening, as they had me on nil by mouth just incase they'd need to give me medication through the I.V line, the ambulance paramedic had put in me, he then tried to take my blood pressure, forgetting all about the needle, after having taken an arm full of blood, and the blood pressure cuff pushed on the needle bending it, it was agonising, he then had to swap arms for my blood pressure, but didn't remove the now painful I.V line.

So I spent all day in A&E with no food, no medication and a painful I.V line that they were refusing to remove, just incase they needed to administer medication through it. 

At 9:20 pm it was decided I'm being admitted to a ward, they didn't tell me what ward, just a ward, so I was disconnected from the heart monitor, and taken to the ward, turns out it was M.A.U (Medical Admissions Unit), still no medication, as you can imagine I'm hyper, I can't sit still, 2 missed rivaling doses. 

By 10pm I'd handcuffed myself, due to feeling aggressive, the staff were mean, contemptuous and horrified by this, although they didn't call security, kinda' odd if you ask me, I was so hungry and so hyper I wanted to go in search of something to eat, but was told I wasn't allowed to leave the ward, they wouldn't take my handcuff keys when calm enough, to unlock me, so I had to use my teeth to grip the keys to unlock myself when ready to be a little more rational. 

At this point I'd been pacing up and down the ward corridor, driving the staff nuts, this continued until 2:20am on Tuesday morning, when I still had no medication after claims A&E had lost my medication, I finally snapped, and told the ward nurse, I was going down to the police ? office, to report the loss of my Ritalin by A&E staff, however discovered there was no police office in the hospital, so asked at reception what to do, and was told go to the nurses station, so I waited for someone to come out of A&E, to get back into the nurses station, I rowed with 5 people there, and threatened to dial 999 and inform national newspapers of their blunders, finally the search for my medication began, I was asked to go and wait in the waiting area, and they'd let me know if/when they find it, they found it and sent it up to the ward, at 2:40 am, I had 2 big burly security officers come and tell me it had been taken back to the ward, and asked if I was going back, I told them I didn't know my way back there, so they took me back, they then insisted I hand over my handcuffs to be looked after, I agreed, on the condition they don't lose them, fair play they made the staff sign for receipt of them, I'm not sure why a person in handcuffs is so scary for them, I'd think it'd be scarier to be punched, but I'll go along with their request, they saw the look of daggers and disgust on my face, they promptly issued my medication, I went to my bed, shut my eyes attempted to switch off my hyperactive thoughts, by thinking it won't be long and the Ritalin will kick in, before you know it, I was sound asleep, I woke up at 9:30 am sharp just in time for a tiny bowl of cornflakes, first thing I'd eaten since Sunday, I was given a toothbrush, toothpaste, and throwaway face flannel to have a wash as well as a towel to dry my face and hands, before the consultant and then Psychiatrist came round, after talking to the Psychiatrist she said I could go, she understood everything I did and why, and was very helpful, she also suggested I may benefit from DBT, but as I explained to her, it's not available where I live, not even CBT is available where I live, she said she is gonna write to my GP and my Psychiatrist, so now I just have to wait and see where things go from here, I should be seeing my GP later today as it's now 03:39 am, so fingers crossed ?things go better that the last time when I saw another GP in the practice, but my actual GP is usually great, if I can get in to see him. 

Not sure if anyone has had any similar experience or have any helpful input to add, but thought I'd post, as if nothing else this serves as an update on how things are for me at the minute ☺ 

*Hugs wrapped with trembling Love*

Stumpy. Xxxxxx ?