I need help

Do not think medication is a failure. I have suffered with anxiety and mild depression for a long time. The sooner you go to your gp the chances of getting sorted are better as just trying to cope by yourself trust me does not work

I agree with GillyB. Medication is not a sign of failure as it can be so beneficial in the long run. Why waste time attempting to sort yourself out when the time for recovery can be sorted sooner rather than later?

Communication is a great tool for self help. Whether it be a friend, GP, family or here on this site.

Try and do something that will help to build your confidence. I went outside my comfort zone and started working for a charity for people with disabilities. After a few weeks of attending I knew that I had made the right decision; it has now opened other doors for me and my once low confidence/self esteem has returned again.

I used to worry over what I now see as silly things but at the time they seemed big. I started doing things for me although sometimes it was easier to hide away. Walking was beneficial, along with exercising at home. Relaxation was a must. Daily, I would spend 30 minutes lying down concentrating on nothing but my breathing. If i could feel myself getting anxious, I would concentrate on my breathing as it not only calmed me down but it also made me focus on something else instead of worrying.

Treat yourself , it doesn't have to cost a lot. Bubble bath, a magazine??

This site will also be of value to you.

I wish you luck.

Love. light and happiness. xx

Thank you both for your advice and knowledge.

I think I know now that I do need to go to my GP or talk to a professional as twice this week I have fell below the ''ok'' line. I had a few really bad hours a couple of days ago of upset and just thought to myself ''I really wish I had a balls to just kill myself'' but then when I had a rest and 2 hours sleeps and I woke up feeling myself again.. then just last night I cried into my pillow for 4 hours straight thinking of how much of a failure I was, how fat, ugly, worthless a disappointment ect...

I feel selfish for feeling down because I have a great family and a beautiful 6 year old daughter and even though I haven't expressed these thoughts or feelings to them I also have a wonderful understanding boyfriend who is there for me whenever I need him and knows everything I'm going through but it just doesn't seem to be enough!

Why? I don't understand this.. I mean, I have always been moody and had low self confidence growing up.. but I never got to this point! I have had 2 really serious truma's in my life that could be linked but for the past 3 years I have had really good things happen for me that should of made me really happy with my life.. why am I getting this bad now when I actually have a lot going for me?  

Most people on this site have really good reason for feeling this way and I just feel selfish for not been happier.. does that even make sense?

I just don't understand...

No one truly has the answers to what makes us so low on an individual level. In life everyone has a tipping point , some are so lucky and can get over it , others aren't so lucky. No one would suffer from depression willingly. It is an illness just like diabetes, heart failure etc  Like those , they aren't visible on the outside.

Believe me, I really do know how you feel as for all of my life I have suffered from image problems. I was painfully shy ,despite coming from a large family. I had a body image issue ,which due to my now ex were rectified with cosmetic surgery. After having my 4 children and 2 miscarriages my self esteem was at an all time low. I felt fat, frumpy and bored with my life. I would comfort eat, making me feel a failure yet again. I saw food as a relief but it was short lived and so the cycle continued. Following my divorce after 30 years due to his adultery , instead of turning to food I felt that ill that the weight fell of me. My ex had always been in total control and i was petrified of the future. I felt so out of it that I too considered taking my own life. I felt like I was walking in a fog and the urge to just walk out in front of a car was strong.

I felt a failure to everyone especially my children as we had it all. Despite my children/friends/family  continually telling me he was the loser and the one at fault i couldn't see it. I blamed me for everything negative in my life.

The GP phoned me about my ex as he had mental health issues and she asked me "How I felt, stating that I was important also". She made an appointment for me to see my GP the next day. It has been a long, hard path to take, but slowly I am in a wonderful place.

In time ,I saw that not eating was" me" taking control of me for the first time in over 30 years. Losing 3 stone felt amazing, although I can still remember crying because all of my clothes were too big and I didn't have the finances to buy new clothes. How sad is that!!!

I too, had everything. A fantastic family, friends , lovely house etc but it didn't matter as I was that depressed A chemical imbalance in your brain. I suppose that I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity. Depression does make you selfish, but it is the illness that is making you like that. I was looking too far ahead instead of taking things little by little , day by day.

Deciding what I could do to help myself ,along with medication was the hardest thing for me to achieve. I was overwhelmed by the future and how I would cope as I was on such a low wage. When the time was right for me, i stepped outside my comfort zone and did something that I had never considered before. Doors opened .

Sadly, my comfort eating has started again but I try and not beat myself up too much. I used to stand in front of the mirror and call myself horrible names. I am not vastly overweight but I am not comfortable with it. There is no one who can lose the weight for me but me. I need to stop making excuses and do it now.

Learn to like your self again and the love will follow. See yourself as other people see you; a loving, kind person , a great mum etc. 

I really have walked on the same path so feel free to pm me. 

Love, light and happiness. xxx

Wow, You are really good with words and I appreciate you sharing your story with me.

I know that everybody has a different story.. Some worse than others and some similar..

In this case, I too had an evil possessive ex who called me names and kicked me when I was down (literally) for 5 years.. After I expressed myself to him about been a victim of sexual abuse when I was 14 he then betrayed my trust and made me a victim of physical and mental abuse. I was called fat and ugly on a daily basis.. I was told he could do better but I would never find anyone like him if I left, Nobody knew what I was dealing until one night he went too far.. left me with a black eye, a busted lip and bruises all down my neck. My mother, my sister and my partner are the only people I have told about it.

I am 4 years separated from him now and I don't allow him to see our daughter for obvious reasons! Since then I have had my ups and downs but since I met my new partner 3 and half years ago I have been really happy with him, he understands me and is extremely good to me! My daughter is beautiful and I am so proud to call myself her mother.

But this is me now.. expressing myself on a site that I feel are the only people that can truly understand me and what I am feeling lately. My low self esteem, feeling empty and worthless.. ugly and afraid to seek help or express myself to anyone else.. cry behind closed doors ect.... I need help! I need a push to get help! It's taking that first step that I'm finding it hard to do..

I'm stronger than I think but my mind wont let me think that way.. I have tried a few things.. Music, reading, exercise, tv.. nothing gets my mind off the negativity anymore..

I just want to be myself again. 

To me sounds like depression your suffering and what your trying as tools would only work for when people feel a bit blue which we all do at some stage. From what you have talked about I'm your past is still affecting you now. I believe when you go through horrific events some of us mainly the sensitive types are brains create new path ways such as depression  anxiety etc. Without really knowing why when we get fed up like we all do for some reason our brains send signals down these paths and our bodies start to try and tell us we need help. Unfortunately the medical world has not found a solution to stop these pathways but one day they will and anxiety and depression will be a thing of the past. Go to your gp and get medication it will help stop the negativity in your head firstly. Then take the time to look at your past and lay it to rest you may think you have but I don't think we really do but that's OK accept it and accept that you will have these moments that are part of who you are

By acceptance you can concentrate on your good positive thoughts and in time these will out way the bad. Do not put yourself down for having negatives and thinking why. Just accept that is were your at this moment.

Good luck

EmzieM. Trust me , you will get to were you need to be for your own sense of peace. You need to tell yourself that you can do it; if you say it often enough you will believe it.

Talking either face to face or on this site will help you to get to the point when you feel strong enough to go it alone. I was regularly told that "I was a strong person who was loved by so many ". I never felt either at the time but now  that I have come out of a very dark place I now believe it.

One of my pen friends whom despite writing to for over 30 years we have never met would email me daily. It made it easier for me  to tell her exactly how I felt as If I did it to one of my friends/family they would worry and as it was they were worried about my mental state as it was. My friend never judged me, she helped me so much. She would send me Mantra's. I stuck one up on my wall and would repeat it to myself daily. 

I still feel that in the long run this helped me;

Here I am.

This is me

and I am stronger than you ever thought I'd be.

Push yourself to occupy your mind when you feel negativity creeping in. 

If I knew you , believe me I would come to your GP with you as that is such a positive step. Write down how you feel and give it to the GP. Be honest and open at all times as your GP can't help you otherwise. they could also put you in contact with different agencies/support groups. 

As mentioned earlier I have had the same insecurities as yourself and understand how hard it is for you. Please have faith in yourself, you can do it.

Private message me at any time and I will try to support you for as long as you wish. You have a wonderful partner/family behind you, if you visit your GP that will be extra support on the medical side. Take the time out to invest in YOU. Do things for you, no matter how small and the rest will follow.

Love , light and happiness will be yours again.

Little by little, day by day.

xx

You have both been extremely helpful and I know what I need to do for me and that is to take the next step of getting help..

I'm really glad I joined this site and voiced my feelings to people who actually understand it!

Thank you <3 it really means the world to me.

Sending you hugs , love and positive thoughts for journey forward. Feel free to message me if you want get anything off your mind. xx