Hi..

Hi all,

Long story short: I'm 44 y old woman with a perfect life who  for some reason just isn't happy. I don't even know if my 'situation' warrants posting on a depression/mental issues forum. 

I've been on various antidepressants for situational depression and severe insomnia on and off from around 2008. The story behind the depression and insomnia has been lived through million times by million people so I won't bother with it. Nothing HORRIFIC. Just the usual c*** in life. I’ve been on  Prozac, Venlafaxine, Amitriptyline, Lorazepam and various other '..zepams'.. again to cut the long story short, am now on 30 mg of Mitrazapine and very occasionally take 10 mg diazepam - once every few weeks.

 Mitrazapine saved my life as far as insomnia is concerned. I sleep. I wake up tired and listless and devoid of energy but at least I'm not going through hell of living and working full time on less than 2 hours of semi-sleep a night. But that's about it.

I probably drink more than I should. Alcohol, I mean. Won't go into this here. 

I have an adoring partner of 11+ years - we are very happy together - I love him to death.  I have a very decent job which isn't what you would call horrifically stressful although it has its moments - more so recently, with a change of position and a pay-rise. I don't love it by any means, I just do it to pay bills and to live life but as far as jobs go, it could be a whole lot worse. I have a twin sister with whom I'm very very close, we love each other, in touch 24/7, support each other...all's good. I have a younger sister who's doing great too. I am, so far, physically fit. No major health issues. 

I just feel empty and blank and bland and 'bleak grey dull void space' where heart and soul should be.  Not happy. Not excited about anything I used to be excited about. Not looking forward to things I used to look forward to. I wake up and think: O.M.F.G… not again, not another day like yesterday, and the day before, and the week before that. Full of dark depressing all-consuming thoughts of illness and death and imminent disaster and futility of life, on a loop in my brain, on and on and on and on.  Going through the motions at work and at home. Hating myself for how I am, how pathetic, how weak, how un-deservingly  SELF-INDULGENT, most importantly, because by GOD I have sweet f-all to be oh so depressed about. I have a perfect life..and I'm so unhappy in it. And so constantly relentlessly MAD at myself for FAILING to live a happy life - when I've got everything anyone could wish for. 

A side issue with Mitrazepine is the increased appetite and weight gain -hate it more than anything and have to basically starve myself all day every day to remain in a semi-decent shape (about 11 stone at 5.4). This is making my life hell but come the f on.... a bit of hunger's never killed anyone and it’s certainly not the reason to be oh so depressed. 

Don't really know what the point of posting this is. I feel as though I'm just this stupid little self-indulgent *same as billion others except billion times better off’ waste of space who should really just shut up and start REALLY counting her blessings. I have NO reason to feel the way I do. 

Has anyone on here had any experience with Mitrazepine at all and experienced something similar? For me, it basically works as a sleeping pill, but certainly not as an antidepressant. And it sucks away my energy totally and completely,  leaving me exhausted - after 8+ hours sleep every night and regular work hours. 

Many thanks for reading the (boring) novel..