A constant struggle

Sorry to read this Galwaysteve.
May I suggest that because your friendship was so long, deep and meaningful, that now they are dead, you are mourning tham and the loss feelings run so deep, you 'wish' you were dead too.
My Dad died 9 months ago and my mum was so deeply bonded to him and the fact she has nothing in life left to cling on to for hope, she too 'wishes' she was dead, because she thinks she will be with him.

I used to work in a very stressful company, that brought on my Anxiety/Panic Attacks.

I find it sad that you don't feel you can discuss any of these problems or issues with your wife.

I can point you to FREE Councelling.
You also say you cant find any peace, and 'wish' you were at peace. Tragically also, there is a world wide myth that at Death we are all 'at or in Peace' automatically.

If you want Peace, there is a Man or more than a Man who can give you the Peace you seek. Peace can only truly be found in Him. I have that deep Peace. A Peace that leaves me with no fear, but full of Love. 
You need the Prince of Peace. 
"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

If you would like to have Peace, then ask the Lord Jesus to come into your life and have His way with your Life. Where does my help come from? My Help comes from the Lord. Psalm 121

If you believe that Jesus was the Only Son of God, was born, lived died and was risen again from the dead, to take away the Sins of All mankind for all time and he who believes and calls on His name will be given the right to be called a Son/Daughter of God and will Have Eternal life in Heaven with God and Jesus.
Jesus had to ascend to Heaven, so He could send the Holy Spirit who is called the Mighty Counselor into all those who believe and Call on the name of the Lord.

When we give our lives to Jesus, He sends the Holy Spirit to live within us and gives us that peace. Perfect Love casts out ALL Fear. God/Jesus are that LOVE. he loves us, cares for us more than we know. His (good) thoughts for us are more than the grains of sand in the sea. He wants us healed, full of Life and living an abundant Life. Who could turn down this free gift?

The Hebrew word for Peace is Shalom! 

for Councelling, read the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John. Psalms are also good too. They are all FREE on the internet on Biblegateway. You can listen to UCB on DAB, they have a free PrayerLine if youd lke to call them.

May you be Healed and find this Peace.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+1&version=CEB

Helo galwaysteve,

I am sorry to hear about your friend and the way you are feeling. I know that losing someone can't be easy at all, but there is no reason for us to stop trying and finish all our dreams and keep enjoying with the people we love and love us.

I advice you that if you want some free counselling you check out this site National Counselling Service. There you can find all the info you need for free counselling in Ireland.

I hope it helps and remember that we are all here to help you, you are not alone!

All the best,

Gilda 

Sorry to hear about your struggle Galwaysteve. I too have felt like you and needed a feeling of peace, many times. What gets me through personally, is the thought of people close to me who still need me here. And if you can feel the loss of your friend in this way then you surly have gifts that should not be wasted. Remember you really are not alone and we walk the same line. Take care. 

Sid

I felt the exact same when I lost my granddad as I blame myself due to the last moment I spoke to him we had an argument, but nearly 8 years on I feel the same and the way I deal with it is I write my granddad a letter saying all that I need to let out, about my feelings and such and then I seal it and hide it away with the rest and have a collection but sometimes I re read them and think of all the good times I had with him.

also you will feel pain and such and I am sure your friend would wish you the best in what ever you do and are with you during the rough time as they are never forgotten. maybe you could try the letter thing as they are personal and no one can see them unless you wish for them to do so not even your wife.