whats wrong with my body

hey guys,

I am trying recovery since the beginning of the year now.

I started with 47kg and got up to 55kg atm.

But i got more problems here.

I only can eat one meal a day; and still skipping meals or days of eating. Thats because of my mind and my body because he is ''Gaining weight/fat'' to fast for me. But i still just get the 1000kcal a day, if its luck. mostly its around 500 kcal.

Sometimes i got the problem gaining 3kg in a week and my scale doesnt go down. Is this normal? Or is this just water weight/fluid retention? Somebody know sth about that here? Because 4 weeks ago i tried 3 meals a day; that worked 2-3 days. Then my scale went up to 6kg and it doesnt change. But that doesnt fells like fat; it felt kinda different. Is it just because of water or bloating? Is this because i ''Binged''? Can i really gaing weight or fat that fast, because i ''Binged'' 3 days for my body? I am confused and afraid.

Sometimes i got the feeling that i dont know what i look like anymore and how my body works.

There are people in recovery eating 3000calories a day and having problems gaining weight; and i just got 500calories and constantly gaining weight.

I always feel so fucking full and i got the feeling my skin is so loose, when i gain weight. What is with that? Somebody can tell me sth about that?

Anytime i feel full, disgusting and i feel sick; i have to throw up the food to not feel full anymore.

Its a fucking circle. i dont understand mmy body. I am very active; doing sports regulary and getting 10.000-20.000 steps a day. So why my body is getting fat that fast? Why r my knees for example getting bigger day by day?

I am afraid to get again in the circle of 'Sport and restriciton* and i am loosing the fun of everything i did before atm.