My Story

The name of my illness is major depressive disorder. 

My story begins at the loss of a family member back in November 2011 to something we are all affected by, cancer. But this was only the start of my illness. When I went back to school that Monday that's when it all started, when my life changed. I started to get severely bullied by someone who I considered a good friend over a stupid misunderstanding, the details irrelevant, everyday was worse than the last, snide comments, laughing when I walked into a room, rubbish been thrown in my locked and nasty notes been left around for me, I've never felt so bad in my life as I did at this time, I had nobody. but as the next 2 weeks went on it went from bad to worse as the following Friday I was heading toward the bus to go home when I was knocked to the ground and beaten by a group of girls. After the left I lay on the ground, crying and shaking like a leaf, blood pouring from my nose I knew I couldn't stay there. So I rose to my feet and immediately got sick. I was petrified I walked up to my school, puffy eyes, blood pouring down my face. Not a pretty sight. When I got to the school I walked into one of my teachers who was in utter shock to see me the way I was, she brought me to the vice principals office where I spilt everything and told her what had happened to me and what was going on. She supported me and contacted the school councillor and together they tried to help me but deep down I knew they couldn't do anything for me. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't pin point it, I would sit around at home, I'd cry myself to sleep, I'd lash out at the people who cared for me most, which was mostly my family. I felt a mix of emotions, anger, grief and loneliness just to mention a few. After a few sessions with the school councillor she offered me some professional help and handed me a card, as I left her office I held a number in my hand and walked to the bathroom and sat in the cubicle and cried. This is where I had my first contemplation of suicide, I wanted to get away from all the goings on at school, but most of all I wanted to stop feeling the way I did and to me this was my only way out, all of this was a difficult topic for me to open up to family about considering the recent bereavement. I went to see my doctor in March 2013, some ask why I waited so long to go see someone, the reason being because I though it was a phase, Leaving Cert blues but I knew deep down it was way more, after I'd seen her she referred me to a specialist in Waterford and after a few sessions I finally got my problem diagnose da I believe all of these problems were the reason for me developing depression but it wasn't the end for me just yet. 

I struggled through school until June when the Leaving Cert finished and then the following 2 months were horrible, full of worry, stress and anxiety. I would lie in bed all day and cry and at night I wouldn't sleep. I was exhausted and row after row with my parents I returned to psychologists and had a few more counselling sessions. He had pin pointed that I was in trouble in my mind and put me on a course of anti depressants and sleeping tablets, but they didn't work because late one night I got so upset and started over thinking I took an OD and nearly choked on my own vomit and spend the next 2 days in hospital on a drip. I was then put on suicide watch. The next week I got my exam results and I had decided to repeat, I try not to blame the problem the results on all that went on the months before hand but I knew myself it was all her fault. For the next month before I went back to school I pretended I was ok, but inside I was crumbling inside but tried not to let it show on the outside, I wouldn't leave the house only for school. I hide the pain away from people in school because nobody needed to know. I wasn't even strong enough to do this on my own but I had no choice. This was taking over my life, I hid the depression which is one of the scariest things I've ever had to do, I hid it because I didn't know how to cope with it never mind let anyone else in to my messed up life. This affected everything I did, my relationships with family and the little things I did. 

Coming up to mocks this was the first time I felt overwhelmed by this illness and wanted an escape to I went home and started to cut my thighs in the shower. I felt as if I had control for once and I relished the fact I had control and even though I knew it was wrong I continued to do it. I felt some relief and began to talk to people around me again. I kind of felt I was in control of my life and went to see my GP again and she took me off the anti's to see how I got on being off them, it wasn't until June 2013 I needed to go back on them because the Leaving Cert was coming up and I wasn't in control. I stayed on these for 4 weeks and was taken off them again. For the summer 2013 I felt good for the first time in 2 years, I'd been accepted into college in Waterford and would be starting in September I was excited for it. A new chapter in my life, I had met some new people and didn't think of my depression until one day in January 2014 when all the memories of November 2011 came back to haunt me, I seen that girl we ignored each other but made eye contact and it hurt because I felt a pain in my heart I walked away until I went home and cut myself again. I started to let myself just be carefree and do enjoyable things for the summer, see my friends, go for walks, take pictures, listen to music and forget everything and look forward to going to WIT in September, the only problem I had was that I'd be seeing her everyday in college, but I swore to myself I wouldn't let it get to me but it honestly wasn't until November 2014, coming up to 1 of my cousins anniversaries and my cousin Paul going missing that the depression hit me again. Everyday was longer than the next, filled with worry but hope. It was a long 3 weeks of mixed emotions until he was finally found but sadly it wasn't the news we wanted and on December 1st 2014, he was found. I didn't know how to feel, I was all caught up in my families emotions and in college putting a brave face on for my friends because I didn't want to break down in front of them I didn't let myself grieve until weeks later. I blamed myself for Paul's death, for a previous conversation we had I was a mess but only those close to me could see it. I carried on my road to recovery and with some light at the end of the tunnel and some amazing friends to comfort and love me I knew I was going to be ok. 

Everyday is a constant battle between myself and my mind, but I know for sure that having a good support system and friends around me makes life a whole lot easier. 

I am forever grateful to my friends and family who have helped me through this, who have never given up on me, I think if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here today. I know I'm a constant nuisance to my friends but I wouldn't change them for the world. 

I urge anyone who feels down to go talk to someone, weather it be a GP or a friend or family member just talk because depression is a topic that isn't talked about and we need to speak out about it, speak to help ourselves and others around you. 

I hope my blog helps someone. Thank you for reading ❤️ 

 

*What doesn't kill me makes me stronger*