Living with severe depression
- 55 views
- 1 support
- 5 comments
All comments
That's horrible , you are a strong woman. I'm glad you both found each other and don't let the depression eat you up. I grew up in social services care from the age of 12 i was in care permanently. My mum being the main cause, she refused to believe my older brother sexually abused me and would rather keep him then me. she didn't see the truth until he done the same to my younger brother. Even then i was blamed and told i should have kept my mouth shut ( like she thought well at least he would only have done it to you then) i spent years trying to protect my little brothers and sisters but my mum had social services move me further away. I spiraled out of control. i suffer from depression,PTSD and disassociative identity disorder and for years i let it define me. I drank my life away.
That was until i made a decision to change my life, i had no gcse's as i hadn't been to school since i was 13 so i enroled in college cut down drinking to only social events and got myself a work placement. I found myself starting to change, i even started to take more pride in the way i looked. 2 years after i made this change i met my partner. Though he had known me for 8 years i couldn't even remember him due to my drunken state but he say's he loved me the day he met me. We have now been together a year and our relationship is amazing,more then i could ever have hope for. I may have no family of my own (i have no contact due to my mother) but his family have taken my under their wing and have made me feel like a part of something better.
I still suffer with depression and my PTSD does make things hard at times, especially intimacy but things are better.
I hope that you are ok and that you don't let the past define you. It will never go away but don't dwell on what you can no longer control xx
That sound awful hun, your aloud to be upset the past is a big part of who you are and it can never be changed, just don't let it define you. We all have good day's and bad and that's ok, let's you know your alive. I have been through stuff that for a long time felt like that was all i would ever be. The abused, the alcoholic, the trouble maker, the broken......
I am still all those things, they just don't define me anymore. Now when i look at who i am i see the animal lover, a step mum, the future wife. I am all the good and all the bad.
I've just made a choice. Some day's i feel good others i feel worthless and that everything i have worked for to make my life better is for nothing. I still get judged by people who knew what i used to be but i know you can't control what they say. People talk.
Not everything in life can be controlled and for people to judge you because you can't control your emotions because of something YOU went through. Well, that's wrong. Feel how you feel, good or bad take it as it comes.
xx
Joined in 2015
Pippa1961
Pippa1961
Last activity on 02/08/2024 at 09:20
Joined in 2015
7 comments posted | 2 in the Good to know group
Rewards
Contributor
Committed
I started suffering with depression when I was 12 or 13 although I didn't understand that it was depression. My Mum was verbally and emotionally abusing me from about the age of 10 or 11 years old which triggered depression. I was regularly accused of being moody or a drama queen which just made me clam up even more. My confidence and self esteem took a battering and I believed I was worthless, not good enough or intelligent enough and was constantly being compared to my sister who was 'perfect'.
When I was 19 years old I found out I was pregnant shortly after splitting from my boyfriend. I kept quiet long enough so I couldn't be pressured into having an abortion - my sister had an abortion at 15 as that's what my parents wanted. As I had a job I knew I could financially raise my son without relying on benefits as well as being capable of being a mother.
When my parents found out they were furious that it was too late for me to have an abortion. They decided my baby was going to be adopted whether I liked it or not. My Mum was the worst offender for bullying and lying to me on the lines of;
- not being capable of being a mother but I was trusted to look after my eldest niece who was born just over two months before my son
- my parents would kick me out if I raised my son
- I would lose my job because I wanted to raise my son
- they would make sure I didn't get alternative accomodation
- I wouldn't get benefits as I chose my son over my jobgive
- I would have my son taken off me as I would be living on the streets so I may as well give him up.
I continually refused to agree to adoption and became even more withdrawn. The adoption agency was just as bad;
- I wasn't told my rights
- I didn't see the paperwork
- when my son was 6 weeks old I was told I couldn't stop the adoption
- I didn't sign the Consent to Surrender form
- my son's father wasn't even contacted
- my son would be better off with two parents
- I would be letting down the adopters who couldn't have their own children
- they were Christians (I am a Christian) so they were the 'perfect' parents.
When I was told I couldn't stop the adoption I emotionally shut down and couldn't trust anybody any more. I had believed everything my parents and the social worker had told me and I was angry that my son had been adopted against my wishes and as I couldn't trust the people closest to me I couldn't trust anybody.
I was suffering with post natal depression so thought I would get out the other side eventually. What I hadn't bargained for was i was already suffering with severe depression as well. The only way to cope was to put on a mask and appear to be happy. My Mum and the social worker told me on seperate occasions to never talk about my son again, forget him and I would have more children in the future. At the time only one person who knew exactly how I was feeling was a friend whose parents were friends of mine. I broke down one night after saying I was tired - the friend and her mum were round at our home - and was going to bed. My friend followed me up a few minutes later to make sure I was alright and I cried my eyes out and she did the right thing of just being there and listening.
For the next 23 years I got on with my life, got married when I was 32 years old but we didn't have children. We did eventually find out my husband was unlikely to ever father a child. During those years I started self harming and was suicidal although I was only admitted into hospital once after a suicide attempt and that was because I was unconscious.
In 2004 I found my son without actively searching on a genealogy site as his basic tree matched mine and he had joined with the names I had given him. He had got a couple of facts wrong so I sent him a brief message pointing out his mistakes and our reunion started. To add salt to the wound my son had found my family 5 years previously and had told him they didn't know where I was. They also kept up with the lies as to why he was adopted - I supposedly didn't want to raise him and wanted him to have two parents. My Mum even wrote my son a letter in 2001 telling him to accept I didn't want to be found which she knew was a lie.
I told my son the truth about why he was adopted and he was angry with my family for lying to him. He was also angry that they had told him they didn't know where I was and for not telling me that they had contact with him. When I confronted my parents about it their excuse was they didn't know if my husband knew about my son. That just made me even angrier as they could have told me the truth and they had denied me the right to choose whether I wanted contact.
A few months after I had found my son an adoptive dad whom I had got to know on an adoption support forums gave my phone number to a lawyer. He asked me a lot of questions then told me that my son's adoption is known as a forced adoption and is illegal in the UK. How I managed to cope with this news is a minor miracle as it was bad enough my son had been adopted against my will then to find out it was also illegal was gut wrenching. It was at this point I found out I couldn't have consented to surrender my son until he was 6 weeks old yet I had been told I couldn't stop the adoption.
By August 2005 I was at rock bottom. I wasn't eating, wasn't drinking much and was survivng on about 1 - 2 hours sleep a night. I saw my doctor and told him exactly how I was feeling. He said I was suffering with severe depression and asked a number of questions. I told him about my son's adoption, self harming and suicide attempts. Whilst he didn't understand what it had been like for me to go through forced adoption he believed that I had been suffering with severe depression since my son had been adopted. It was a relieve to be told that as it made sense as to why I had been feeling very low at certain times of the year.
Since 2009 my son and I haven't got on but he knows the door is open a crack if he wants contact. I'm at the point that I am severely depressed all the time now and have learned to live with suicidal thoughts. The positive is that I am able to give mothers who have been through a similar experience with adoption real support.