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10 Ways to Love the People in Your Life
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itgetsbetter
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itgetsbetter
Last activity on 30/11/2020 at 17:32
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I would also like to add especially relating to being on this site is to; learn to love yourself first. The love for others will then flow.
In the midst of depression we can't see any good in ourselves, we struggle to accept compliments. We can shy away from happiness;all due to our illness.
Being gentle on ourselves and reminding ourselves that we are the most important person to 'us' .
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Hi Margarita and itgetsbetter
I read both of your articles and I have to say firstly Margarita I need to count my blessings. All the disappointments about love that Tara experienced saddens me. Why? because I have been so lucky.
I will be married 34 years in August my husband and I were delighted to renew our wedding vows 4 years ago. Having said that there have been hard times. I was diagnosed with A S in 1987. We were married 4 years and all we were thinking about was having a family. Unfortunately my disease had a pretty quick onset. I was having hip replacements not babies. The family my husband and I had were each other. That is the biggest regret we have. But we are so close I nearly know what he is going to say before he does.
i have had multiple surgeries and hospital admissions and for a long time I saw my disease through my eyes only. I was the one that was wheeled into theater. I was the one who had one treatment after another.and all the dissapointments that go hand in hand.
As the years went on I became so depressed I had no interest in anything, I didn't want to see anybody all I wanted to do was hide under the duvet. This went on for years. And where was my husband? Right by my side.
I spent about 10 weeks in hospital about 2 years ago. My sister was with me when I let my mask slip I could see how easy it would be to take a handful of morphine and just leave the world behind.I told her this and we both cried together. The only thing that stopped me was the love I have for my family I would never hurt them in that way.
My sister spoke to one of the nurses when she left that afternoon and when my nurse came to see me she had no idea and would never have guessed that I was feeling that way as I was the life and soul of the place.
I have to give my Rheumatologist all the credit and we can all moan about the NHS is but within two days I had Mel my Psychologist by my bed.
During our time together I realized how difficult my disease was for my husband, I might have gone through all the surgeries but he stayed at the hospital to see me in recovery and on occasions ICU. He went through all that on his own and never complained when I was selfish and only thinking about myself.
i have seen my Psychologist well it's every few weeks now. All my friends who called when I was hiding under the duvet never gave up on me either. I try and arrange it that I see someone every day. I am truely honored to say that one of my friends is a little lady in her eighties and she with me every week.
So what I really wanted to say after reading what Tara and itgetsbetter is I have been really lucky in love and that includes all my friends, friends that for too long I had forgotten about but friends who never forgot me. I learned to laugh again and not take myself too seriously and yes maybe more importantly I learned to love myself again.
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Margarita_k
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Margarita_k
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Last activity on 07/10/2020 at 11:39
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“At the end of life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?” Jack Kornfield
Next week it's St Valentine's day. For this occasion we would like to share with you this very inspiring article. It's not about romantic love, but about letting people that matter to you (family, friends, colleagues, neighbours...) know you love them and care about them.
We all grow up with some healthy stories about love and some unhealthy ones. I learned some beautiful, life-giving ideas about love, ideas like these:
- Loving people means believing in their potential.
- Love means treating people with kindness and gentleness.
- Loving the people in your life means celebrating their successes and cheering them on.
But I also grew up with some stories about love that I came to see weren’t so helpful. Those ideas about love bred problems in my relationships.
One of those stories was: Loving someone means always being available to them. (Turns out, it’s not true, and living as if it is breeds resentment.)
Another was: Loving someone means always having space for what they want to talk to you about. (Turns out, not true either!)
Another myth about love: If you love someone, you do what they are asking you to do, out of love, even if it feels difficult. (I can tell you, that doesn’t work so well.)
I’ve developed my own guidelines for loving the people in my life, guidelines that express how I want to relate to the people around me.
These are some of my guidelines for loving:
1. Tell them about their brilliance.
They likely can’t see it and they don’t know its immensity, but you can see it, and you can illuminate it for them.
2. Be authentic, and give others the gift of the real you and a real relationship.
Ask your real questions. Share your real beliefs. Go for your real dreams. Tell your truth.
3. Don’t confuse “authenticity” with sharing every complaint, resentment, or petty reaction in the name of “being yourself.”
Meditate, write, or do yoga to work through anxiety, resentment, and stress on your own so you don’t hand off those negative moods to everyone around you. Sure, share sadness, honest dilemmas, and fears, but be mindful; don’t pollute.
4. Listen, listen, listen.
Don’t listen to determine if you agree or disagree. Listen to get to know what is true for the person in front of you. Get to know an inner landscape that is different from your own, and enjoy the journey. Remember that if, in any conversation, nothing piqued your curiosity and nothing surprised you, you weren’t really listening.
5. Don’t waste your time or energy thinking about how they need to be different.
Really. Chuck that whole thing. Their habits are their habits. Their personalities are their personalities. Let them be, and work on what you want to change about you—not what you think would be good to change about them.
6. Remember that you don’t have to understand their choices to respect or accept them.
7. Don’t conflate accepting with being a doormat or betraying yourself.
Let them be who they are, entirely. Then, you decide what you need, in light of who they are. Do you need to make a direct request that they change their behavior in some way? Do you need to take care of yourself better? Do you need to set a boundary or to change the relationship? Take care of yourself well, without holding anyone else in contempt.
8. Give of yourself, but never sacrifice or compromise yourself.
Stop if resentment is building and retool. Don’t do the martyr thing. It helps no one and nothing.
9. See their value.
Remember that everyone you encounter was created by divine intelligence and has an important role to play in the universe. Treat them as such.
10. Accept this as your mantra and try to live as if it were true: Everything that I experience from another human being is either love or a call for love.
With this mantra as your guide, you’ll keep growing emotionally and spiritually for the rest of your life.
What are your guidelines for loving the people in your life?
Source: tinybuddha.com