Affairs

My now ex of 30 years decided to commit adultery and continue lying to us all for 3 years. It almost killed me as I devoted my life to him and raising our family. We were soul mates. All the dreams/plans that we had looked forward too once the children were older were destroyed. Whilst I was at home believing that he was working abroad ,  he was living with her and spending money on living the good fun life what I was earning in 1 month.

I ended up contemplating ending my own life  as I was that ill.; that was when I realized that I wasn't coping. I was diagnosed with anxiety depression. He had controlled everything ; I didn't even know who supplied our utilities. I had no savings and was facing redundancy along with my elderly dad being diagnosed with COPD  and my sister with cancer. I stood by him for 3 years ; taking him back on numerous occasions.

To this day I still have immense anger towards them both; especially as she had me arrested for what turned out to be vile letters sent to her signed in my name but were in fact all his doing; something that I knew nothing about until I was in the police interview. He turned up crying but that was only because he knew that he was going to be found out. No charges / caution were given to me but he was also let off as he was mentally unwell. 

If someone is not happy then they should be honest and not commit adultery and then blame/find fault  their partners just to justify their actions; no one deserves that. My ex even blamed me for 'only attending 2 works parties in 30 years!!! He forgot that we had children and I was the one looking after them. It is far too easy to blame others for our own failings.

I know someone having an affair on his wife, they have a child. He has been miserable with her since before they even married but he wanted the "normal" life and she was there.  She emotionally abuses him, emotional turmoil would not do a thing for him unless there is a reward of a material value, I was never a fan of her but what can you do. He is now in an affair for 5 years and says he loves her but stays with "family" because wouldn't trust wife to look after the child properly, I think he is wasting his life not because he thinks child better with him there but more fear of what the family would say, they are a very opinionated family and fake.  When he talks about the woman he is having relationship with his face lights up he is the man I knew 10 years ago then when he reverts to "family" talk he slumps and is saying the other woman is talking about ending it and he is afraid but all I can think to say to him is to do what you think is best for you, you cannot be the best to your child unless you start with yourself, I don't nor would I judge him, will support him best I can.  But should you just stay in marriage for appearances sake, to keep others happy, that ARE NOT living that life, are you not just rearing a child to see the value of a relationship as not have expectation of being happy just settle for what it is and fake it.  He is a childhood friend over 30 years and has helped me in difficult times I want to help him but what can I do if he is set on faking it and risking the loss of a partnership that lights him up for a marriage that hurts him every single day.  There has not even been intimacy in marriage for 6 years, separate bedrooms, I can only imagine the lonely life that must be and I know that he feels that too and the dread of family things and occasions builds up in him for days or weeks before hand, he hates the lies he is a great guy but he is going to destroy himself if he doesn't decide on some things    

I say he should be honest with his wife, and go and be happy with the girl he loves, it's only gonna make his child/children resentful if they are brought up in an unhappy/hostile environment, kids pick up on every emotion, so he really needs to think hard about what he really wants, and make a choice, one way or another 

I agree but he so wrapped up in faking life at home it's like 2 different people in one man. I see the guy I've known for most of my life wither away in sadness. I want to help but don't know how. I so wish he would allow himself be happy. He believes he staying for the child but sure he resents everything does with the child because wife there too. I've said he going to loose the woman he loves because she won't wait forever and be his option not choice words mean little when actions say opposite. Ah I just worry for him loosing chance to be happy which he deserves to be.

I am always dubious reading about individuals stating the reason that 'they are remaining with their wife/husband/partner for the sake of the kids' Having gone through my now ex living a double life ;it was an excuse to have his cake and eat it. He actually told me that he 'couldn't be on his own' . Not many men would leave their family unless they had somewhere to go. He actually also told me that 'he married her in secret to have some sort of stability'.

Everything made of glass breaks eventually . 

Your friend has no intention of leaving his family; if it was that bad then he would have gone a long time ago. My ex portrayed me in his divorce as a real uncaring, unloving ,selfish individual. I was a bad wife, mum, friend ,sister and daughter. Apparently, I called him names and insulted him when we argued; which 'upset him' .Honestly; that was what was stated in the petition.

He did it to justify his actions.

He omitted to say how I was the one who wanted to cancel a holiday of a life time because I was that worried about his mental health; I now realize it was the guilt of being found out. I was such a bad person; working all the hours God sent when he was out of work that it was 'HIM' who kept returning ;constantly sending me gifts/ loving texts ; informing me that he was 'sorting himself out'.Everyone around me told me that I must love him so much to put up /support him whilst he was living his life based on lies/deceit. We were soulmates. I actually spent our 30th wedding anniversary with him at a psychiatric assessment as arranged for him c/o his GP who found him to be 'psychotic and delusional'. I was the one standing by my wedding vows. 

This may sound harsh but I hope that the poor wife finds out and gets rid of him. He doesn't deserve a family as it is his family that he is lying and deceiving. One of my children upon discovering their dads adultery actually told me 'that he looked up to his dad; he had morals and principals . He was so family orientated but from that day forward he would never ever respect him or look up to him. He would also never ever be able to tell/advise him what to do.

If life was that bad then he wouldn't be there; having been the loyal, loving wife who supported him unconditionally I know that  he is looking for faults in his wife to justify his own failings.

Your friend is just frightened of the financial losses and how he will appear to others; he isn't thinking /considering his mistress or his family. He is being selfish and thinking of no one but himself.

There is never ever any justification for having an affair; if you aren't happy then either be totally honest with your other half; try and sort it out or leave  instead of wasting your other half's life.

Obviously, this is my opinion as the ex wife. 

I am sorry to hear you went through all of that and I agree that there are a lot of excuses. I am not married but I do know that I would rather be single than live a lie.

His wife is not a very nice person, I have known her a long time and I never really trusted her, before he married her I spoke to him and asked was he sure about it, he wasn't but wanted to have a plus one for doing things, his family are very "if you are not married and settle there is something wrong with you".  I am in my 40's life didn't go how I always dreamed or imagined but I bought my own place etc. I made best of it that I could and still try to do.  He is envious of that too to see how a person can be single and happy (ish for me).

His wife is very aware of fact he does not love her, she spoke to me about it, I never broke his confidence with anything he said to me, as he is my friend not her, (if that makes sense), all I asked her was why then live like that, her reply was "I live in a bubble no one going to burst it, married him cause knew I would never need to be proactive can be lazy and get as I want", she is lazy in ways of not getting child to school, will not make a dinner or feed child, wants all of the time for the show of family things but would never actually participate in day to day family things as you would expect.  She threatens to do things, pretends to be sick, admitted to me taking anti-depression tablets although doesn't have depression but they help her to zone out so looks unwell and thinks will be minded, this has worked for her for a very long time. She is very cute and clever in what she is doing and I almost feel at times that is almost worse than him having an affair for almost 5 years.  

She approached me a few years back to talk to him to convince him to play along more as she was being asked questions by people as to why they don't to x y or z, that was my end point for her and I told her to be her own person and get a mind of her own, to face the reality of her marriage being way beyond repair, she called me a lonely jealous spinster, at that point I had to remind her that she was on my doorstep asking me to talk to her husband to convince him to play the game better, I asked her to leave and spoke to him about it.  He was talking about leaving before xmas gone, but than as you said in your reply it turned to no I can't would end up in the gutter, no where to live no money etc. that only made sense when I read your reply.  It is all excuses and all mouth and no trousers.

It really upset me this week all of this as I want him to be happy and happy he is NOT, he cried over a coffee with me last Sunday how much hates his life, no get up and go now, fed up with it all, wants to do nothing, he is miserable and I am there supporting him and trying to get him to see that he is the only one standing in his way of being happy, and he is suffering (if he really is) at the hands of what other people want to see in his life in how he lives it, but then he told me they booked a holiday for Easter to the sun because his mother wanted to go away, I almost fell from seat after hours of listening to how horrible it all is, my only reply was how will the other woman feel about that, he cried again saying he didn't know how to tell her, my reply was if was me I would think you taking the absolute wee out of me with all your drama and I would actually tell you I won't be here for you when you get back (Harsh I know but I would not let a man play with my heart and mind like that, well I hope I wouldn't), then he checked time and said better go we all going out for dinner today, again I was shocked and I think for the first time I really copped on and said after all the tears and anger and fed up talk did you just hear what you said, so I got up and just said you need to sort yourself out, you are tripping over the lies and excuses and that if nothing else will get you caught out with the affair cause the wife is not as stupid as may think she playing a very clever game with you for her benefit only and you are one tying yourself up in knots, if you really are I reminded him he was talking to someone who has known him since age 12 or 14 can't fool me can see right through you so sort your stuff out and stop making excuses and justifying what and how you are doing things.  We have not really talked much since as I am annoyed with him, because like you say I think he wants to blame the world not himself on this and is caught up in pitty party for himself and really I am so upset with the talk and then the action of family stuff.  How can people live like this.  My life is not exciting it is positively boring but give me that any day over the juggling of so many different lives opinions and expectations of others and pretending all the time to be someone or something that you are not.

Boring life for me seems quite attractive to me right now I have to say.

Well some quite strong opinions there, I'm guilty of trying to justify my actions of sleeping with married/taken guys, although I was under age with 2 out of 3 of those, and the 3rd I was 19, and was in a 4 & 1/2 year relationship with him, after he came clean to his partner, only a week after we met.

I like being single too, living the boring life, I don't actually like sexual contact, because of my childhood abuse, but back then felt a need, to overcome my fear of sexual contact.

My affairs/sugar daddies, were much older men with a minimum of a 24 year age gap.

Stumpy; we are all different and without wishing to offend you had and still have issues with your childhood. As we have already discussed within the period of our friendship c/o this group you were desperately seeking/yearning for love and attention.

Cel122 ;Your friend is taking your for a ride on the sympathy bus;don't be fooled by him and his 'tales' of woe. 

Myself, ex and 2 very close friends had booked a holiday of a lifetime to celebrate our birthdays. I did suggest cancelling it because of his health issues but was told 'no , it is our chance to rekindle together with no distractions' From the onset it was a mistake. I still have memories of lying on a beautiful beach crying in to my lounger because I had never felt so alone in my life and if I could have arranged a flight home then I would have done it in a shot. 

A particular photo was taken of us 2 together ;a really lovely one . Towards the end of the holiday, I looked on his phone to look at it again; it wasn't there nor where any other pics taken with me on them.

He was taking so many 'conference calls' it was unreal. 

I now feel humiliated looking back; I am so angry at myself for putting up with all of his lies /deceit. This has all come to the surface again due to being told by my son that ;he is arranging a celebration for his young child and he wants both myself and the poor excuse for a father to attend. Can he trust me to be civil or does he need to 'book slots'? I was actually very nice to him upon bumping in to him; she on the other hand needs to know the real truth.

He expects me to play happy families with the person and his now wife who had me arrested for the vile letters sent to her in my name penned by him; something that I knew nothing about. He just doesn't see why I want her to know the truth; she was also responsible for in the words of the GP; taking advantage of a vulnerable man; [mental illness] Why would I ever possibly want to have some sort of relationship with them?

i have since discovered that he is back playing the perfect grandad to a baby that he ignored when he was born. I can't describe the hurt that I feel regarding my children brushing the hurt, humiliation and embarrassment of that event under the carpet. I have never ever been in trouble; even at school.

I can feel the horrible cloud of darkness hovering above me; I just want to tell them all where to go and to leave me alone. I feel like I am being blamed for my ex committing adultery although they assured me that I wasn't the person he portrays me to be + it was me keeping this family together along with raising them due to him working.

Tell your friend not to mention his games to you; the excitement of having 2 women ; despite what he tells you falling over him probably adds to his excitement. His bit on the side is kidding herself if she thinks that he will voluntarily leave the comforts of his home and why should he? He has got the best of both worlds. She is wasting her life instead of living it.

If is wife is aware of the affair; then she is a fool. She should let her have his sloppy seconds. Sorry to offend you but there is never ever any justification to cheat.

The only way she will get him is if he is kicked out; karma is a wonderful thing .

Sorry to be negative; the individuals, may be different but the story is the same. He is being a coward; just like my ex.

Don't flatter him with the attention you are giving him; tell him to grow up or shut up.

Yes, I agree life in the single lane can be good. I was alone for 3+ years ; it taught me a lot. I now know that God forbid myself /partner split up then I can continue with my life.

It taught me that I don't need a man to survive, have fun ; I can cope. In fact I enjoyed being in control of 'me' with no one to answer too, a big bed all to myself etc.

In time though I felt ready to make new friendships with men and due to the fact that my place of work didn't have available males I actually went online. I wasn't looking for a relationship , just someone to go for a drink with or chat online , I actually chatted to some lovely men, alongside some 'odd' ones just as I am sure there are some 'odd females.

I met my partner online and it is the best thing that I ever did the time that I agreed to meet up. We have been together more or less since our first meeting.

To call you names Cell is her way of hitting back at you; you are right in your reply. My ex boasted how I was mentally ill until I pointed out that 'he was the one diagnosed as being psychotic and delusional; not me'. yes, I was diagnosed with anxiety depression ;thanks to him.

My words of advice would be not to believe what he is telling you.

There are 3 sides to every story ; his, his wife's and the truth. He is merely giving you his version of events and what goes on in his home. 

Don't be fooled in to believing his every tale.

Have a fab, fun filled day ladies.xx,

Thanks, that made me feel a touch better, about myself, although I'm feeling excessively unwell at the minute xxx

You are not a bad person Stumpy; I have found you to be a kind, funny, loving person who strives to be accepted as the lady that I have discovered you to be since getting to know you on this site.

No one is perfect . You have been through so much and yet you are willing to offer support and advice to others ; using your past to help others, that takes a special type of person.

Looking forward to reading your post when you are feeling better.

Keep chatting.

Gentle hugs, my lovely friend.